Author Topic: Life Tips (Read 15481 times)

Papa Lazarou · « **on:** December 10, 2013, 03:59:10 AM »

Number one:

Being attacked in the street?
Don't shout "help!". the state of the world as it is today means that most people would either think you're part of some practical joke/reality TV show, or simply run in fear themselves.

Try shouting "fire!", and people will come running with camera phones and marshmallows.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #1 on:** December 10, 2013, 03:59:54 AM »

Number two:

A squeezed out toothpaste tube can be refilled with gravel to give a serviceable door wedge.

Cookie · « **Reply #2 on:** December 10, 2013, 04:01:27 AM »

Don't go to Wales.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #3 on:** December 10, 2013, 05:57:53 AM »

run out of coathangers?
use a car aerial bent into the right shape instead.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #4 on:** December 10, 2013, 06:24:56 AM »

Don't waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a death crash and let the ghosts keep you cool.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #5 on:** December 10, 2013, 06:29:42 AM »

Save money on buying shoes by simply increasing the length of your stride by a few inches

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #6 on:** December 10, 2013, 06:32:42 AM »

Convince your wife that she's 'followed through' during the night by slipping a chocolate button between the cheeks of her arse as she sleeps.

Flyer · « **Reply #7 on:** December 10, 2013, 09:49:35 AM »

Quote from: Papa Lazarou on December 10, 2013, 03:59:10 AM

Try shouting "fire!", and people will come running with camera phones and marshmallows.

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #8 on:** December 10, 2013, 10:20:59 AM »

A dog is not just for Christmas. If you get a Great Dane, there'll be loads left for sandwiches for the following week.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #9 on:** December 10, 2013, 03:33:29 PM »

Motorcyclists. You are bound to fall off at some point.

Take a tip from stunt artists and cover yourselves with empty, cardboard boxes.

coho · « **Reply #10 on:** December 10, 2013, 03:45:28 PM »

Never eat anything bigger than your head.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #11 on:** December 10, 2013, 04:17:20 PM »

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can easily locate the area and check that the stain has gone.

mxvet57 · « **Reply #12 on:** December 10, 2013, 04:55:54 PM »

Quote from: Papa Lazarou on December 10, 2013, 04:17:20 PM

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can easily locate the area and check that the stain has gone.

So did you get the stain out?

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #13 on:** December 11, 2013, 04:26:44 AM »

When cooking spaghetti, tie all the ends together. That way you can eat it in one long suck, eliminating the drudgery of washing up knives and forks.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #14 on:** December 11, 2013, 04:44:20 AM »

Don't throw away egg cartons, cut the bottoms off them to make charming winter hats for woodpeckers.

Cookie · « **Reply #15 on:** December 11, 2013, 05:06:54 AM »

You need help.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #16 on:** December 11, 2013, 05:31:03 AM »

Quote from: Cookie on December 11, 2013, 05:06:54 AM

You need help.

Quite right. This is way too much effort on my own.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #17 on:** December 11, 2013, 05:39:35 AM »

Don't buy expensive paint rollers when redecorating, any long haired cat will work just as well. Use kittens for painting those awkward corners.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #18 on:** December 11, 2013, 05:52:27 AM »

Drug users. Don't buy expensive cocaine, just go to any pharmacist or food store and buy powdered citric acid. It will give you the same running, bleeding nose and avoids the risk of arrest.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #19 on:** December 13, 2013, 06:16:20 PM »

Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?

Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains

Scottzilla · « **Reply #20 on:** December 13, 2013, 07:33:11 PM »

.org, .net. Same shit.

Oddball · « **Reply #21 on:** December 13, 2013, 08:09:47 PM »

I'll always be your friend.

SuperHans · « **Reply #22 on:** December 13, 2013, 08:18:33 PM »

To prevent breakthroughs, double up the shitpaper before wiping your pooper.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #23 on:** December 14, 2013, 01:50:03 AM »

Quote from: Scottzilla on December 13, 2013, 07:33:11 PM

.org, .net. Same shit.

If you give an ailing member, who appears to be suffering from bullying, on a .net site, succour and comfort, you will find out that he is as much an arse on a .org site and will bite the hand of anyone who strokes his feeble little face.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #24 on:** December 14, 2013, 07:02:04 AM »

Never use a lot of long words when a diminutive monosyllabic singularity will invariably suffice.

Meemuh · « **Reply #25 on:** December 14, 2013, 08:21:33 AM »

Quote from: Papa Lazarou on December 14, 2013, 07:02:04 AM

Never use a lot of long words when a diminutive monosyllabic singularity will invariably suffice.

Yup. Uh-huh.

stew71 · « **Reply #26 on:** December 15, 2013, 09:07:40 PM »

Pie. Always.

Cookie · « **Reply #27 on:** December 16, 2013, 05:16:35 AM »

yet mums a tart

SuperHans · « **Reply #28 on:** December 16, 2013, 06:03:40 AM »

Sometimes two wrongs do make a right.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #29 on:** December 16, 2013, 10:37:43 AM »

Save money on your shopping by stealing everything.

mxvet57 · « **Reply #30 on:** December 16, 2013, 10:55:58 AM »

Quote from: Papa Lazarou on December 16, 2013, 10:37:43 AM

Save money on your shopping by stealing everything.

Short on cash?

Flyer · « **Reply #31 on:** December 16, 2013, 10:57:10 AM »

Long on adrenalin?

SuperHans · « **Reply #32 on:** December 16, 2013, 11:21:15 AM »

When in doubt, whip it out.

SuperHans · « **Reply #33 on:** December 16, 2013, 11:43:16 AM »

Smell if before you eat it.

stew71 · « **Reply #34 on:** December 16, 2013, 03:27:16 PM »

You can never go hungry as long as supermarkets have plate glass windows.

mxvet57 · « **Reply #35 on:** December 16, 2013, 03:29:56 PM »

Make sure your finger is clean before you stick it in the peanut butter jar.

Flyer · « **Reply #36 on:** December 16, 2013, 04:53:09 PM »

Quote from: mxvet57 on December 16, 2013, 03:29:56 PM

Make sure your finger is clean before you stick it in the peanut butter jar.

A mechanic friend once tol' me: Never put your fingers where you'd not trust your dingus.

coho · « **Reply #37 on:** December 16, 2013, 07:10:40 PM »

Never dip your mustache in anything you don't intend to keep.

mxvet57 · « **Reply #38 on:** December 16, 2013, 10:21:21 PM »

Quote from: coho on December 16, 2013, 07:10:40 PM

Never dip your mustache in anything you don't intend to keep.

Better known as sloppy seconds.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #39 on:** December 17, 2013, 03:44:33 AM »

Don't butter toast until after you've dropped it.

Veefer800canuck · « **Reply #40 on:** December 17, 2013, 06:09:06 AM »

Don't fry bacon without your shirt on.

coho · « **Reply #41 on:** December 17, 2013, 03:43:40 PM »

Quote from: Papa Lazarou on December 17, 2013, 03:44:33 AM

Don't butter toast until after you've dropped it.

If you drop a piece of toast and it lands butter side up you've buttered the wrong side.

kneescrubber · « **Reply #42 on:** December 17, 2013, 06:24:28 PM »

Quote from: Veefer800canuck on December 17, 2013, 06:09:06 AM

Don't fry bacon without your shirt on.

Finally a tip that's useful.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #43 on:** December 18, 2013, 03:08:27 AM »

Quote from: coho on December 17, 2013, 03:43:40 PM

Quote from: Papa Lazarou on December 17, 2013, 03:44:33 AM
Don't butter toast until after you've dropped it.

If you drop a piece of toast and it lands butter side up you've buttered the wrong side.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #44 on:** December 18, 2013, 04:24:27 AM »

If a person displays certain characteristics, personality traits or behavioural tendencies, it's probably due to a combination of genetics, past and present socio-economic environment, education and familial/peer group relationships.

It is almost certainly not because they are a fucking Pisces.

CLAY · « **Reply #45 on:** December 18, 2013, 08:25:01 PM »

Quote from: kneescrubber on December 17, 2013, 06:24:28 PM

Quote from: Veefer800canuck on December 17, 2013, 06:09:06 AM
Don't fry bacon without your shirt on.

Finally a tip that's useful.

Or bottoms. Shorts- pants, underwear- just wear something.

kneescrubber · « **Reply #46 on:** December 18, 2013, 09:04:55 PM »

Quote from: CLAY on December 18, 2013, 08:25:01 PM

Quote from: kneescrubber on December 17, 2013, 06:24:28 PM
Quote from: Veefer800canuck on December 17, 2013, 06:09:06 AM
Don't fry bacon without your shirt on.

Finally a tip that's useful.

Or bottoms. Shorts- pants, underwear- just wear something.

Well shit; now you tell me.

Papa Lazarou · « **Reply #47 on:** December 23, 2013, 11:32:01 AM »

fat people. Lose weight by going into an anti gravity chamber.

mxvet57 · « **Reply #48 on:** December 23, 2013, 11:41:05 AM »

Quote from: Papa Lazarou on December 23, 2013, 11:32:01 AM

fat people. Lose weight by going into an anti gravity chamber.

Is that where you've been.

Flyer · « **Reply #49 on:** December 23, 2013, 12:08:04 PM »

Quote

Old pizza boxes are an excellent source of cheese.