A duck walks into an employment agency and asks if there's any work.

The agent takes one look at him and says he'll call the duck back.

20 minutes later, the duck's phone rings. It's the agency.

"Hey, I've found you a brilliant job in show biz! The money is great and you start tomorrow?"

...."And what good is that for a plumber?"

Last week, I managed to get the money together to order the time machine that I always wanted.

Ordered on Amazon Prime, delivered (finally) today.

It arrived outside my house on the truck.

The driver unloaded it but it fell over and smashed to bits.

Oh no, not again.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

Out!

 

Although I thought my time machine joke was pretty good..

An 80 year old man was arrested for shop lifting. When he went before the judge he asked him, "What did you steal?"

He replied: "A can of peaches".

The judge asked him why he had stolen them and he replied that he was hungry.

The judge then asked him how many peaches were in the can.

He replied "6".

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the man's wife spoke up and asked the judge if she could say something.

The Judge said, "What is it?"

The wife said "He also stole a can of peas"

^ 

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. 
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.      'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said,      'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize ?'
The Irishman replied,
'These are Carols.'

Winner   /\ /\ /\ /\   

Now that's a christmas story I can relate to

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand
new Porsche Cayenne advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a confident looking young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray
Ban sunglasses and a Yves St. Laurent tie, leans out of the window and asks
the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his
peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answers,
"Sure! This I gotta see!"
The yuppie parks the SUV, whips out his palm pilot, connects it to a
cellphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet. On the NASA page he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans
the area, and then opens up a database. It has some 60 Excel spreadsheets,
each with complex
formulas. Finally he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech
miniaturized printer, turns to our shepherd and says:
"You have here ... exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"Unbelievable! That's correct. As I agreed, you can take one of the
sheep,"says the shepherd.
He watches as the young man makes a selection and bundles it into his SUV.
Then the shepherd says,
"If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep
back?"
"Okay, sounds fair," answers the sleek, well-dressed young man.
"You are a consultant," says the shepherd, emphatically.
"That's correct!", exclaims the yuppie consultant, "How did you know that?"
"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here, although nobody called for
you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question that I already knew
the answer to. And finally, you know nothing about my business. Now give me
back my dog."

A man and a woman were having a romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress noticed the woman slowly slide down her chair, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid totally out of sight under the tablecloth... Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué, went over to the table and, tactfully said to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I noticed that your wife has slid under the table.  Is there a problem?”
The man calmly looked up at her, gave a weak smile and said: "The problem is...  my wife just walked in."

A man goes to visit his doctor,
"Doc, I've got a rather embarassing problem, my farts just don't sound right,"
"Well how do they sound?" enquires the doctor.
"They make a HONDA sound"
The doctor looks puzzled, "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"
"Well I also have a terrible boil on my arse," replies the man
The doctor looks pleased, "Thats it then. We'll lance that boil and you'll see a difference immediately,"
"Why's that then, Doc?" asks the man
"It's well known," laughs the Doctor, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

Doctor, I think I'm a moth.


Then you need to see the psychiatrist next door.


I would have but your light was on.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job.  The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms !"

"No matter," said the man.  "Observe !"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,
drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

"Bishop, who was this man ?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

" ................... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due
to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued
his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday.  I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in
this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened ?  Who is this man ?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but.."
.
.
.
.
.
"HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER!"


 

 

What four legged animal helps pollination?















Most of a bee.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks the son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, “I did some school work.”

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “Ok, ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”

Son says, “Toy Story.”

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, “Ok, ok. We were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”

The robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son. Just like you, darling!”

The robot slaps the mother.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth arrive at the Pearly Gates on the same day.
Saint Peter says: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy for a reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen quietly walked to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was shocked and asked, "What was that all about?!? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted?!?  Would you explain that to me?” "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

^^^
Out.

beaten to it by hippnogsis

By the law of probability, it is certain that chimpanzees randomly hitting typewrite  keys will, by chance, eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare.






Except the internet now shows this to be untrue.

I have said on many occasions that comments sections of news sites disprove the million monkeys theory.

I can't think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a farm with a large pond in the back. 

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a picnic table and some apple and peach trees.

One evening he headed to the pond with a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. 

It was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Old guys are sharp, yunow.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a whiz?

Because they're all dead?

Which mythical monster does not have a reflection?

All of them.