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Online Papa Lazarou

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Life Tips
« on: December 10, 2013, 03:59:10 AM »
Number one:

Being attacked in the street?
Don't shout "help!".  the state of the world as it is today means that most people would either think you're part of some practical joke/reality TV show, or simply run in fear themselves.

Try shouting "fire!", and people will come running with camera phones and marshmallows.
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2013, 03:59:54 AM »
Number two:


A squeezed out toothpaste tube can be refilled with gravel to give a serviceable door wedge.
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Offline Cookie

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2013, 04:01:27 AM »
Don't go to Wales.
“Government is the Entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.”

― Frank Zappa

Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2013, 05:57:53 AM »
run out of coathangers?
use a car aerial bent into the right shape instead.
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2013, 06:24:56 AM »
Don't waste money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a death crash and let the ghosts keep you cool.
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2013, 06:29:42 AM »
Save money on buying shoes by simply increasing the length of your stride by a few inches
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2013, 06:32:42 AM »
Convince your wife that she's 'followed through' during the night by slipping a chocolate button between the cheeks of her arse as she sleeps.
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Online Flyer

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2013, 09:49:35 AM »
Try shouting "fire!", and people will come running with camera phones and marshmallows.
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
 :razz:
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison

”And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned and he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!”
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2013, 10:20:59 AM »
A dog is not just for Christmas. If you get a Great Dane, there'll be loads left for sandwiches for the following week.
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2013, 03:33:29 PM »
Motorcyclists. You are bound to fall off at some point.

Take a tip from stunt artists and cover yourselves with empty, cardboard boxes.
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Online coho

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2013, 03:45:28 PM »
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

"I like the beverages."  -CLAY

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #11 on: December 10, 2013, 04:17:20 PM »
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can easily locate the area and check that the stain has gone.
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Offline mxvet57

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #12 on: December 10, 2013, 04:55:54 PM »
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can easily locate the area and check that the stain has gone.


So did you get the stain out?
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #13 on: December 11, 2013, 04:26:44 AM »
When cooking spaghetti, tie all the ends together. That way you can eat it in one long suck, eliminating the drudgery of washing up knives and forks.
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #14 on: December 11, 2013, 04:44:20 AM »
Don't throw away egg cartons, cut the bottoms off them to make charming winter hats for woodpeckers.
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Offline Cookie

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2013, 05:06:54 AM »
You need help.
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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2013, 05:31:03 AM »
You need help.

Quite right. This is way too much effort on my own.
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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2013, 05:39:35 AM »
Don't buy expensive paint rollers when redecorating, any long haired cat will work just as well. Use kittens for painting those awkward corners.
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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2013, 05:52:27 AM »
Drug users. Don't buy expensive cocaine, just go to any pharmacist or food store and buy powdered citric acid. It will give you the same running, bleeding nose and avoids the risk of arrest.
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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #19 on: December 13, 2013, 06:16:20 PM »
 Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?

Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains
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Offline Scottzilla

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #20 on: December 13, 2013, 07:33:11 PM »
.org, .net.  Same shit.

Offline Oddball

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #21 on: December 13, 2013, 08:09:47 PM »
I'll always be your friend.
IBA# 22015

Offline SuperHans

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #22 on: December 13, 2013, 08:18:33 PM »
To prevent breakthroughs, double up the shitpaper before wiping your pooper.

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #23 on: December 14, 2013, 01:50:03 AM »
.org, .net.  Same shit.

If you give an ailing member, who appears to be suffering from bullying, on a .net site, succour and comfort, you will find out that he is as much an arse on a .org site and will bite the hand of anyone who strokes his feeble little face.
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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #24 on: December 14, 2013, 07:02:04 AM »
Never use a lot of long words when a diminutive monosyllabic singularity will invariably suffice.
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Offline Meemuh

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #25 on: December 14, 2013, 08:21:33 AM »
Never use a lot of long words when a diminutive monosyllabic singularity will invariably suffice.

Yup.  Uh-huh.

Offline stew71

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #26 on: December 15, 2013, 09:07:40 PM »
Pie. Always.
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

Offline Cookie

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #27 on: December 16, 2013, 05:16:35 AM »
yet mums a tart
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Offline SuperHans

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #28 on: December 16, 2013, 06:03:40 AM »
Sometimes two wrongs do make a right.

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #29 on: December 16, 2013, 10:37:43 AM »
Save money on your shopping by stealing everything.
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Offline mxvet57

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #30 on: December 16, 2013, 10:55:58 AM »
Save money on your shopping by stealing everything.

Short on cash?
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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #31 on: December 16, 2013, 10:57:10 AM »
Long on adrenalin?
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison

”And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned and he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!”
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Offline SuperHans

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #32 on: December 16, 2013, 11:21:15 AM »
When in doubt, whip it out.

Offline SuperHans

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #33 on: December 16, 2013, 11:43:16 AM »
Smell if before you eat it.

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #34 on: December 16, 2013, 03:27:16 PM »
You can never go hungry as long as supermarkets have plate glass windows.
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

Offline mxvet57

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #35 on: December 16, 2013, 03:29:56 PM »
Make sure your finger is clean before you stick it in the peanut butter jar.
At the risk of encouraging him, I agree with Cookie.   "Bomber"

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #36 on: December 16, 2013, 04:53:09 PM »
Make sure your finger is clean before you stick it in the peanut butter jar.
A mechanic friend once tol' me: Never put your fingers where you'd not trust your dingus.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #37 on: December 16, 2013, 07:10:40 PM »
Never dip your mustache in anything you don't intend to keep.
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

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Offline mxvet57

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #38 on: December 16, 2013, 10:21:21 PM »
Never dip your mustache in anything you don't intend to keep.


Better known as sloppy seconds.
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #39 on: December 17, 2013, 03:44:33 AM »
Don't butter toast until after you've dropped it.
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Offline Veefer800canuck

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #40 on: December 17, 2013, 06:09:06 AM »
Don't fry bacon without your shirt on.
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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #41 on: December 17, 2013, 03:43:40 PM »
Don't butter toast until after you've dropped it.

If you drop a piece of toast and it lands butter side up you've buttered the wrong side.
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

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Offline kneescrubber

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #42 on: December 17, 2013, 06:24:28 PM »
Don't fry bacon without your shirt on.

Finally a tip that's useful.  :thumbsup:
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #43 on: December 18, 2013, 03:08:27 AM »
Don't butter toast until after you've dropped it.

If you drop a piece of toast and it lands butter side up you've buttered the wrong side.

 :hail:
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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #44 on: December 18, 2013, 04:24:27 AM »
If a person displays certain characteristics, personality traits or behavioural tendencies, it's probably due to a combination of genetics,  past and present socio-economic environment, education and familial/peer group relationships.



It is almost certainly not  because they are a fucking Pisces.
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Offline CLAY

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #45 on: December 18, 2013, 08:25:01 PM »
Don't fry bacon without your shirt on.

Finally a tip that's useful.  :thumbsup:

Or bottoms.  Shorts- pants, underwear- just wear something.   :crazy:
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Let's do some science.

Offline kneescrubber

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #46 on: December 18, 2013, 09:04:55 PM »
Don't fry bacon without your shirt on.

Finally a tip that's useful.  :thumbsup:

Or bottoms.  Shorts- pants, underwear- just wear something.   :crazy:

Well shit; now you tell me.
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #47 on: December 23, 2013, 11:32:01 AM »
fat people. Lose weight by going into an anti gravity chamber.
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Offline mxvet57

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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #48 on: December 23, 2013, 11:41:05 AM »
fat people. Lose weight by going into an anti gravity chamber.


Is that where you've been.
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Re: Life Tips
« Reply #49 on: December 23, 2013, 12:08:04 PM »
Quote
Old pizza boxes are an excellent source of cheese.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison

”And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned and he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!”
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