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Online Papa Lazarou

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Must visit places in Europe
« on: August 07, 2015, 12:53:50 PM »
First off the Isle of Sheepey, an island off the north coast of Kent in Europe.

Some Sheppey inhabitants like to call themselves Swampies, a term that began as, and for some people remains, an insult; for others it has become a term of endearment or a phrase for reinforcing identity.

5 September 2013: Fog caused a 130 vehicle pile-up on the bridge and its northern approach. As of mid-September the initial cause is not clear, but motorists travelling too fast in fog turned the accident into the county's worst in 20 years.[2] Eight people were seriously hurt with another 30 hospitalised. Another 30 had minor injuries and up to 120 were classified as "walking wounded"

A curious tale surrounds a 14th-century member of the Shurland family, Sir Robert de Shurland. According to legend, Sir Robert killed a monk and resolved to ask the king for a pardon. In 1327 he rode to where the king's ship was anchored, off the Isle of Sheppey, and gained forgiveness. Returning, he met a witch who said that de Shurland's horse, Grey Dolphin, which had borne him so bravely to the ship, would be the death of him. Sir Robert immediately killed the horse and cut off its head. A year later Sir Robert was walking along the shore when a shard of the horse's bone pierced his foot. Blood poisoning set in and Sir Robert died.

Sheppey enjoys the dubious distinction of being one of few parts of what is now the United Kingdom to be (temporarily) lost to a foreign power since William the Conqueror's invasion in 1066. This was in June 1667, when a Dutch fleet sailing up the Thames Estuary for the Medway captured the fort at Sheerness. The fort at the time was incomplete and the garrison underfed and unpaid, so resistance to the heavily armed Dutch Navy (which, according to Samuel Pepys' diary, was also to a large extent manned by deserters from the English Royal Navy) was hardly enthusiastic. Pepys, then secretary of the Navy Board, described Sheerness as lost "after two or three hours' dispute". The Dutch quickly overran and occupied the whole island for several days before withdrawing. Prior to leaving, the Dutch took supplies, ammunition and guns, then burned everything that was combustible.

About 200 shipwrecks are recorded around the coast of Sheppey, the most famous being the SS Richard Montgomery, a liberty ship loaded with bombs and explosives that grounded on sandbanks during the Second World War. As of 2004 plans were discussed with a view to removing the threat from the Montgomery. These include encasing the ship in concrete or removing the bombs; no firm decision has been made.

There are three prisons on the island, all located to the south of the village of Eastchurch: HMP Elmley, HMP Standford Hill and HMP Swaleside. The total inmate population is in the region of 2,800.

Every country's got one - a dark corner so fearful that its name is uttered in hushed tones; a place where the sound of duelling banjos is punctuated only by the sound of breaking beer glasses and screaming women.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the UK's Isle of Sheppey, a a beautiful little island situated just off the North Kent coast, approximately 250 miles south-east of the lake district.

Want to know more? Well, there's an island in the Indian Ocean that the indigenous population say is shaped like a young maiden carrying flowers back from the market on a summer morning. Sheppey is shaped like 37,000 useless pieces of shit floating in a swamp.

And what of the locals? Be warned: Although the official language on Sheppey is English, very few natives can speak it fluently. Tell me more. Culture? No. Jobs? There aren't any.

Ok, I'm convinced. Book me in for a long weekend break. Now, what the nightlife? According to sheppeyscum's definitive pub listing, look no further than The Fiddler's Cat - It's the worst pub by far, with plenty of drugs, fights, stabbings and murders. Fight Rating 12.

And that's out of ten. Nasty. Naturally, the proprieters of The Fiddler's Cat have not taken kindly to topping the sheppeyscum pub league of shame. It's fair to say that the good burghers of Sheppey have not taken kindly to the site at all.

A review: Kent… The garden of England, one of the most beautifulist places in England to be infact. But with gardens comes unwanted things, the one part of your garden you avoid. This is the isle of sheppy. The island (thank god its that) is off the coast of kent and is a spawning ground for townies. There is a site fr this s**t hole…

Visit the site to see what w**k they have there. I actually have the misfortune of owning a caravan on that god forsaken island and i try to avoid it as much as possible with all the peasents that roam there. If you ever visit it, make sure you carry a gun or something cos if you’re walking down the road you’re bound to get “what ya say about me mum ya w****r?!” …”I’ll fuckin’ deck ya, ya greebo c**t”

Another review: the worst thing is sheerness has now got not 1 but 2 kiddie fiddlers oh he likes hes mum and sister as well name francis williams of fey of gilberts morris oh sicko helen bowen knows this and forgives him sick bitch have a happy life you sickos from lorrane ha ha
Roundabouts - these are a comparatively new introduction to Sheppey roads and the locals, who have yet to learn how to use them, just assume that they have priority at all times. be warned.
stephen king a bald headed twat who lives in seagar road and fiddles with young kids and claims dole despite working
building a new bridge giving the local tribes even more access off the cesspit
londoners in summer
Sheerness / Rushenden estate being nearbye,
Can't immagine why it hasn't been mentioned already - Isle of Sheppey ought to be renamed Isle of dogs. You can easily tell because every where you go, there it is. In the parks, On the pavements, on the walks, on the beach, on the promanade and down the alleys. I'd like to put it through the letteroxes of the ignorant morons who own these things!
The Island is very petty, locals get nose bleeds when the cross the bridge
The whole place. It is infinitely worse than an Afghan ordure pit.
The rest of the people. The chav's, the little 15 year old tarts, the unemployed scum...
The kids, they have as much brains a kit-kat, thats the problem with keeping things in the family.
Where do i start...
The Island, sheerness,the bridge, the people who have the uncanny nack of finding out evrything about you that is none of there business, but make it there business, the light pollution, the potholes in the road, the town bypass with the traffic lights that make cars queue for miles alont the road towards the Haven holiday park, the crap that spews out of the steel mill need I go on and on and on
Winter on the beach
1) Bridge - without a doubt... the most stupid f**king thing ever devised... 2) Bridge - Deserves to be mentioned twice... 3) The invasion by Londoners during all the best bits of summer, bringing grid lock to local roads. 4) Fields of Rape Seed bringing misery to all hay fever suffers. 5) Londoners.... I hate them... (well, just the one's that *WANT* to spend a holiday on Sheppey!!!)
park seats dont have cushions one ass goes to sleep when drinking high gravity beers and ciders.

A third review:
The Isle of Sheppey is a tiny piece of floating shit just off the North coast of the hellhole that is Kent. It's full of chavs and pikeys who would stab , murder and rob their own grandmother for a hit of smack!

I have had the misfortune to actually sleep on the fukkin streets of Kent after falling alseep on a train one night and I was jumped by a gang of pikey chav wankers telling me to "Wear decent fukkin clothes" and shouting at me "What the fuck is that on your head , get a haircut you fuck". Fukkin scum of the earth. No , actually that's too good for them , sub-human scum of the earth!

So look at the website and remind yourself that you never ever want to go there and you never ever want to move to the county of Kent EVER.

I am tempted to get out of my head on Amphetamines one night and go on a killing spree of the pikey town centre!!

Although the official language on Sheppey is English, very few natives can speak it fluently. Those that can usually don't mingle with the rest, but choose instead to potter around in their back gardens or sit in their conservatories blowing cigarette smoke up each others' arses. They're generally the ones that live in Minster.

In Sheerness people don't usually have gardens or conservatories so they have to sit out in the street, and are therefore forced to socialise. This is why the native tongue still reigns supreme, in spite of repeated attempts by the authorities to stamp it out.

'Shepalese', or 'Fuckwitspeak' as some textbooks call it, is similar in form and inflection to many other estuarine languages. A full discussion of the language is beyond the scope of this document. We aim instead to point out the key "Dos and Don'ts" of conversing with a swampy.

1. Only ever use one vowel sound when on Sheppey, similar to that in the word "rat" only held longer. We'll represent it with 'aahh'.

Examples,

Say 'paahh' not 'power'.
Say 'aahh' not 'hour'.
Say 'abaahht' not 'about', but see point 2 below.
Say 'gaahhing' not 'going', but see point 3 below.
Say 'naahthing' not 'nothing', but see points 3 and 4 below.

2. Try not to pronounce the last letter of a word. If you do, the Sheppey native may grow confused. This often leads to violence.

Examples,

Say 'abou' not 'about', though with reference to point 1 above, 'abaahh' is the correct pronunciation.
Say 'cun' not '****', as in 'Up yaahh cun!'

3. Never pronounce 'ing' at the end of a word. If you do, the native will assume you're from China. He will then either beat you up or try to exchange his money for noodles. 'ing' can be pronounced 'in', but in some circumstances becomes 'ink.'

Examples,

Say 'goin' not 'going', though with reference to point 1 above the correct pronunciation is 'gaahhn'.
Say 'nothink' and 'somethink' not 'nothing' and 'something', though again with reference to point 1 these become 'naahhthink' and 'saahhmthink', though see point 4 below.

4. Don't say 'th' when 'f' will do. Sometimes even the 'f' is superfluous.

Examples,

Say 'Fanks' not 'Thanks'.
Say 'naahhnk' not 'nothing'.

5. Use as many double negatives as you can, even tripling and quadrupling them if you feel it will more clearly articulate your sentiment.

Example,

Say 'I ain't never daahhn naahhnk!' not 'I haven't ever done anything!'

6. Use the universal vowel sound as regularly as you can, even between words. Try to create a flowing whining noise as you speak, similar to that voice-over in the once popular children's TV show "Henry's Cat". Sentences with too many consonants can confuse the Sheppeyite into thinking he's listening to a drum beat or a scratch riff. He may then pop a pill and start raving: most inconvenient if you're trying to draw him into a discussion about the rights and wrongs of the Israel/ Palestine situation.

7. Be as nasal with your voice as possible. This is more easily achieved if you make a conscious effort to never open your mouth properly. No-one will understand what you're saying, but after a few hours on Sheppey you'll have nothing interesting to say anyway.

8. Swear as often as you can, especially when addressing children in public. Swearing at the beginning of a sentence is preferable, but failing that try doing it in the middle of words.

Examples,

Say 'Fucking, I was round Steve's the other day.'
not 'I was round Steve's the other day.'


Say 'It was absofuckinglutely wicked.'
not 'It was absolutely wicked.'

9. Wave your arms around a lot and never make eye contact with the person you're talking to. Unthreatening behaviour is often misconstrued as a threat on Sheppey. This can cause paranoia, violence, and death.

Further examples of common phrases, taking into account all the above points,

1. "Gaahhn daahhn taahhn?", meaning "Are you planning a trip into town?"

2. "Aahhv yaahh goh?", meaning "Have you got?", meaning "Do you have any gear?"

3. "Z waahhngaahh!", meaning "That gentleman's a wanker!'

4. "Piss in maahh maahhf willyaahh!", meaning "Please piss into my mouth."
« Last Edit: August 07, 2015, 04:28:04 PM by Papa Lazarou »
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Offline FJR_UK

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Re: Must visit places in Europe
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2015, 05:59:40 PM »
I've been to Sheppey (once) and subscribe to your third review. There's a reason it's difficult to get to.

Now, Broadstairs on the other hand...

Offline Mac

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Re: Must visit places in Europe
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2015, 10:27:22 PM »
Hmmm, the speech pattern is somewhat reminiscent of southern syntax and ebonic pronunciation, but with a touch of the Bostonian nasal vowel.
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Online miles

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Re: Must visit places in Europe
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2015, 10:57:07 PM »
For a different sort of "Must visit" place in Europe, I'd strongly recommend the excellent Felafel stand near the Alhambra in Granada, Spain.

Although not as historically interesting as Sheppey (but perhaps somewhat more scenic) this felafel stand has stood as a Moorish outpost in this otherwise Catholic land for centuries, defiantly serving only the finest comestibles that meet all halal standards.

It has occupied the same location on the corner of Calle Elvira and Calle Carcel Baja since El Cid chased the Moors from the Alhambra (which is worth a visit while you're in the area).
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Online Snowdog

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Re: Must visit places in Europe
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2015, 10:08:12 AM »
For a different sort of "Must visit" place in Europe, I'd strongly recommend the excellent Felafel stand near the Alhambra in Granada, Spain.

Although not as historically interesting as Sheppey (but perhaps somewhat more scenic) this felafel stand has stood as a Moorish outpost in this otherwise Catholic land for centuries, defiantly serving only the finest comestibles that meet all halal standards.

It has occupied the same location on the corner of Calle Elvira and Calle Carcel Baja since El Cid chased the Moors from the Alhambra (which is worth a visit while you're in the area).

Dammit, I, missed that on my visit.

Online R Doug

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Re: Must visit places in Europe
« Reply #5 on: August 08, 2015, 10:22:22 AM »
Great first post, Papa.  :lol:


I've only been to Europe 3 times in my life (so far).  But two things have stood out to me. 


First would be the western coast of Ireland.  This is one of the most beautiful land meets ocean views I've ever enjoyed.  From from peninsulas in the southwest near Kenmore (Ring of Kerry, etc...) to the Cliffs of Moher, to the wonderful coastal town of Galway (oh the music here!), up into the limestone mountains in the Connemara and Ballycroy National Parks, I can't get enough of this place. 


Next would be the breathtaking beauty and wonder of the Lauterbrunnen Valley in Switzerland.  From hiking the length of the valley floor and visiting all of its 1,500' + waterfalls to taking the train ride up and through the Eiger, Monch, and Jungfrau, good luck keeping your chin off the ground. 

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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Must visit places in Europe
« Reply #6 on: August 08, 2015, 10:29:29 AM »
I forgot to mention that Sheppey has been colonised by large numbers of scorpions.
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Must visit places in Europe
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2015, 02:33:01 PM »
A new mural, referencing the US ship (USS Montgomery) that sank in WW2 and has a mere 14000 tons of live explosives on board, has been unveiled at Sheppey's main hell hole of a town, Sheerness.

visitors can't see pics , please register or login
« Last Edit: August 21, 2015, 01:53:12 AM by Papa Lazarou »
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Offline hellkat

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Re: Must visit places in Europe
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2015, 06:30:49 AM »
For a different sort of "Must visit" place in Europe, I'd strongly recommend the excellent Felafel stand near the Alhambra in Granada, Spain.

Although not as historically interesting as Sheppey (but perhaps somewhat more scenic) this felafel stand has stood as a Moorish outpost in this otherwise Catholic land for centuries, defiantly serving only the finest comestibles that meet all halal standards.

It has occupied the same location on the corner of Calle Elvira and Calle Carcel Baja since El Cid chased the Moors from the Alhambra (which is worth a visit while you're in the area).

Sounds interesting!
Did you go to the massagey thing at Alhambra?
Thinking about taking my fella for a nice Turkish (no, not a "Five minutes, Turkish!!) when we are next in Spain, and the Alhambra bath-house has been brought to my attention as being worth a punt (although not a punt in the colloquial sense, one hopes, different kind of massage entirely!)
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Must visit places in Europe
« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2015, 02:57:36 PM »
And I give you: Blackpool (which has the most stunning old amusement park)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=131&v=zc9Dlh8xQQU

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/zc9Dlh8xQQU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
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Offline expatbrit

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Re: Must visit places in Europe
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2015, 05:27:55 PM »
I've been to Sheppey (once) and subscribe to your third review. There's a reason it's difficult to get to.

Now, Broadstairs on the other hand...

Don't think I've ever made it to Sheppey. I think I might be happy!
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Re: Must visit places in Europe
« Reply #11 on: January 07, 2016, 05:44:23 PM »
One Sheppey is equal to 7/8 of a mile (1.4km), the closest distance sheep remain picturesque.

If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.


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