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Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 85215 times)

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Online Flyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #450 on: August 16, 2020, 06:59:03 PM »
“A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.''I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'”
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #451 on: August 20, 2020, 04:21:33 AM »
If Elvis was still alive today, what would he be doing? Recording new songs, enjoying a long retirement, being President of the US?























None of the above. Still scratching the lid of his coffin and screaming.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online zer0netgain

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #452 on: August 20, 2020, 07:57:53 AM »
If Elvis was still alive today, what would he be doing? Recording new songs, enjoying a long retirement, being President of the US?

None of the above. Still scratching the lid of his coffin and screaming.

Nah.  He would have ran out of air long ago.  ;)
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #453 on: August 23, 2020, 03:29:22 AM »
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebee.”
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #454 on: September 24, 2020, 11:02:36 AM »
The teacher asked the class, "Who can tell me the difference between a callgirl, a girlfriend and a wife:"

The class was silent and obviously deep in thought.

Then, Johnny stood up and said "Prepaid, postpaid and unlimited with certain restrictions."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online Flyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #455 on: September 24, 2020, 02:20:49 PM »
The teacher asked the class, "Who can tell me the difference between a callgirl, a girlfriend and a wife:"

The class was silent and obviously deep in thought.

Then, Johnny stood up and said "Prepaid, postpaid and unlimited with certain multiple restrictions."
FXT
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #456 on: September 24, 2020, 05:47:27 PM »
I dreamt I was attacked by a motorcycle.  Over and over.

It was a vicious cycle.
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #457 on: September 29, 2020, 02:41:59 PM »
Ireland gave Scotland the bagpipes.
Thing is, the Scots still haven’t realized they’re being attacked!
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #458 on: October 16, 2020, 09:46:08 PM »
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM tomorrow morning." Signed, "The Blonde."
The blonde pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home and give this note to his mother.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. And, yes, it had the $10,000!
Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another blonde!!!"
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #459 on: October 17, 2020, 11:16:25 AM »
Psychiatric hospital hallways really ought to be called...


Psycho paths
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online Flyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #460 on: October 17, 2020, 04:27:54 PM »
Psychiatric hospital hallways really ought to be called...


Psycho paths
Winner!
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"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #461 on: October 18, 2020, 12:41:06 PM »
Speaking of apes, a gorilla escaped from the zoo one day. They searched high and low for him and finally found him in the local libraries reading room. He was sitting there with two books in front of him, the Holy Bible and Darwin's "On the Origin of Species"

When they asked him what he was doing he said "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brothers keeper, or my keepers brother"...
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

Online Flyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #462 on: Today at 05:19:54 AM »
WHY MEN WEAR EARRINGS!

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

 The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,  and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran