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Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 84983 times)

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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #50 on: August 19, 2014, 02:20:23 PM »
A guy walks into a pub one night and sees a very attractive young woman down at the end of the bar with several empty glasses in front of her, "hmm, he thinks" and strolls down there just as she takes a slug out of a fresh glass. " Hi." he says. the lady puts down her glass, looks him up and down, and says " Look buddy, lets just cut the bull***** here, I screw anybody, old, young, fat, skinny, don't matter, I'll screw 'em anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, on the ground, in the hall, all the same. I'll screw them quick and I'll screw them slow, clean, dirty all the same to me. So, whadda ya say?"
" Really?" he says " I'm a lawyer too, what firm are you with?"
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #51 on: September 04, 2014, 02:38:50 PM »
Got a new phone yesterday, a made in Malaysia model.

I put it in airplane mode, and the damned thing disappeared...
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

Offline stew71

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #52 on: September 22, 2014, 11:45:13 AM »
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
 "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.  The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

Offline Max Wedge

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #53 on: September 22, 2014, 01:37:36 PM »
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.  This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably golfing with his buddies.”

It took a while to restore order in the classroom.
You never see a motorcycle parked outside a psychiatrists' office.
Where am I?

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #54 on: October 07, 2014, 11:45:19 AM »
What's the difference between an onion and a set of bagpipes?



























You don't cry when you cut the bagpipes up.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #55 on: October 07, 2014, 03:16:25 PM »
Whats the difference between a skunk smashed in the road and a set of bagpipes smashed in the road?











There's skid marks in front of the skunk...
Great googly-moogly!

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #56 on: October 09, 2014, 06:53:28 PM »
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants.  The bartender looks at him says "Criminy man, that must hurt!"

The pirate says "Aye matey, it's driving me nuts".
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #57 on: October 10, 2014, 01:12:51 PM »
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #58 on: October 10, 2014, 01:14:53 PM »
Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first ," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?








"You're in the team for this Saturday."
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #59 on: October 20, 2014, 04:16:58 PM »
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #60 on: October 23, 2014, 06:02:36 AM »
A cabbie picks up a Nun.   She gets into the cab,
and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring
at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:  'I have a question to ask you but
I don't want to offend you.'
 
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. 
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun
as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything.  I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
or ask that I would find offensive.'
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that
#1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic.'
 
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic
'OK' the nun says.  'Pull into the next alley.'
 
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
 
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must Confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.........my name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween  Party.'
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline Cablebandit

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #61 on: October 24, 2014, 07:25:43 AM »
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #62 on: October 24, 2014, 04:32:08 PM »

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
    tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
    that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
     
    The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
    sapling.
     
    The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
    is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
     
    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
    neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
    piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #63 on: October 25, 2014, 02:33:22 AM »
My know it all friend said that, of all the vegetables, only onions make you cry.

So I smashed him in the face with a coconut.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline Dan K

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #64 on: October 27, 2014, 02:10:28 PM »
My know it all friend said that, of all the vegetables, only onions make you cry.

So I smashed him in the face with a coconut.

Somethings wrong with me. Laughed out loud.

 _Dan
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Offline bungie4

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #65 on: October 27, 2014, 03:56:58 PM »
My know it all friend said that, of all the vegetables, only onions make you cry.

So I smashed him in the face with a coconut.

Somethings wrong with me. Laughed out loud.

Same here.
-Steve
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #66 on: November 13, 2014, 09:22:29 AM »
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house... I looked her dead in the eye and said, "The motherf**king Decepticons". She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

 
Great googly-moogly!

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #67 on: November 13, 2014, 09:29:24 AM »
^^^^^^^^^^^
 :rolf: :willy: :rolf:


"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline I'm NOT Carl

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #68 on: November 13, 2014, 10:11:20 AM »
Do you know how many women turned to pillars of salt in the bible?














Lots!

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 No matter where you go, there you are.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #69 on: November 24, 2014, 07:44:08 PM »
Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks: 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ....

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline fatiredflyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #70 on: November 28, 2014, 09:02:44 AM »
Teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
 
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
 
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
 


Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #71 on: November 30, 2014, 12:20:00 PM »
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
Their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the
Order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
Change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
Again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and
Pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
And a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
Ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
And says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
The man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
And places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
Longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
Always come up with the exact change in your
Pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
Cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
Two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
To pay for anything, I would just put my hand
In my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
Would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
But you'll always be as rich as you want for as
Long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
Says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
Wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long
legs who agrees with everything I say.."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline fatiredflyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #72 on: December 02, 2014, 06:55:30 AM »
During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says,  "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
 
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
 
"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"


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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #73 on: December 07, 2014, 10:52:39 AM »
what do you call a legless sheep?

















cloud.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #74 on: December 08, 2014, 03:20:25 PM »
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #75 on: December 09, 2014, 09:23:05 PM »
Your Momma's so mean she has no standard deviation.
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

"I like the beverages."  -CLAY

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #76 on: December 13, 2014, 10:24:23 PM »
 A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
 "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

You never see a motorcycle parked outside a psychiatrists' office.
Where am I?

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #77 on: December 13, 2014, 10:35:08 PM »
And the bartender said "We don't allow retrocausality in here."

A tachyon walked into a bar.
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

"I like the beverages."  -CLAY

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #78 on: December 24, 2014, 02:39:38 PM »
Penguin walks into a bar.

He asks the barman, "Have you seen my brother?"

Barman: "Dunno. What does he look like?".
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #79 on: December 25, 2014, 09:26:58 PM »
Why do seagulls live by the sea?



'Cause if they lived in the Bay, they'd be baygulls.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #80 on: December 26, 2014, 04:47:57 AM »
What's white and looks like snow?











Flour.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #81 on: January 05, 2015, 03:28:37 PM »
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained. "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left with a lot to think about. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
When he finally came home, he walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Well, it needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
He never heard the gunshot.
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #82 on: January 05, 2015, 05:03:49 PM »
Q:  What's red and smells like blue paint?

A:  Red paint.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #83 on: January 10, 2015, 11:55:08 AM »


I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall,
there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal
glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and
chocolates.  Then the priest came in.  I said to him, "Father, forgive me,
for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must
first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used
to be."

He replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #84 on: January 10, 2015, 01:35:35 PM »
A farmer was getting his sheep down from the hill.

He said to his sheepdog, "How many sheep are there?"

The sheepdog replied, "50"

The farmer said, "I can only count 46"

The sheepdog said, "Well, I rounded them up".
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #85 on: January 10, 2015, 04:43:40 PM »
Q: If a train that is one light-year long enters a tunnel in the Eagle Nebula that is one light-year long, traveling at one light-year per year, how long will it be before the train travels completely through the tunnel?

A: It already happened 6,000 years ago. It was awesome, you should have been there!
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #86 on: January 11, 2015, 01:16:58 PM »
Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"

"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

"I like the beverages."  -CLAY

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #87 on: January 16, 2015, 10:02:06 AM »
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
 
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by the  situation, the trooper gently raps on the driver's window.
 
'Uh, yes, Officer?’
'What are you doing?’
'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.’
'And what's she doing?’
'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.’
 
Now, the trooper is confused. A young couple, alone in a car, at night in a lover's lane... and nothing’s happening!
'What's your age, young man?’
'I'm 22, sir.’
 
'And her.... what's her age?’
'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...'
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #88 on: January 16, 2015, 11:54:06 AM »
A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop asks if he can help with its luggage.

"No thanks", it says. "I'm travelling light".
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #89 on: January 16, 2015, 12:32:53 PM »
Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Whoops, sorry. Not Emo kids......Chemo kids...

(in my defense, this is the Bad Joke thread, and that's one of the worst jokes I think I've ever heard or told...)


LT
Great googly-moogly!

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #90 on: January 16, 2015, 08:38:35 PM »


(in my defense, this is the Bad Joke thread, and that's one of the worst jokes I think I've ever heard or told...)


LT

This ought to beat it ...

I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore. Some would even say I'm a little frayed
around the edges....But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually traveling
from place to place and enjoying life. I met a nice looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an
instant spark between us. All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her
knees and lay on the grass at my feet. As we lay there making love, I thought ..... "Wow, these Taser
guns are really worth the money!"
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #91 on: January 29, 2015, 10:02:45 AM »
The Bridge
 
A man on his FJR was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
 
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
 
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
 
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
 
God replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline MrsCablebandit

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #92 on: January 29, 2015, 10:14:59 AM »
That's funny because it's true.
I used to make a bigger impression.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #93 on: January 30, 2015, 07:47:13 AM »
Mr. musclefitness goes into the shower at the gym after his workout.  Standing there toweling off after his shower is an extremely obese man. 

Mr. musclefitness says, "Wow, dude, you are huge." 
Fatguy says, "Yeah, I know.  That's why I'm here." 
Mr. musclefitness:  "I can't believe how fat you are.  When was the last time you saw your junk?"
Fatguy:  Well, actually, it's been quite a while...but I'm working on it."
Mr. musclefitness:  "Have you ever even tried to diet?"
Fatguy:  "Diet?!?  Why?  What color is it now?"
If a person's primary concern is increasing freedom, they should prepare for a reduction in average lifespan.  ---  Misanthropist

If you say "Gullible" real slow, it sounds like "Orange"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #94 on: January 30, 2015, 01:37:30 PM »
Do you come from Norfolk?


(at this point, you should answer yes)

Well, give me a high six!
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline fatiredflyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #95 on: January 30, 2015, 08:00:54 PM »
 Why women make better assassins 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.  After all the background checks, interviews  and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.   For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large  metal door and handed him a gun.  "We must know that  you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.....kill her!!!"  The man said “You can’t be serious.  I could never shoot my wife”. The agent  said, “Then you are not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home". 
 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun  and went into the room.  All was quiet for about five minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."  The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home." 
 
Finally, it was the woman’s turn.  She was given the same instructions,  to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard,  one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood  the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.  “This gun is loaded with blanks”,  she said. “I had to kill him with the chair.”


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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #96 on: January 30, 2015, 10:00:56 PM »

A Newfie is visiting Texas and starts a conversation with a Texan at a local bar.

The Texan asks the Newfie where he's from and the Newfie says, "You know where New York is?”

The Texan says, "Yeh, yeh, I know where New York is.”

The Newfie says, "Well bye, you just drive north of dere about 6 hours, turn right for 3 hours and catch a 6 hour ferry and you're right dere in Newfoundland.”

The Texan says "That's got to be close to China!”

The Newfie thinks about this and then says, "Lard tunderin’ bye”, I tink you might be right....... I works with dis Chinese guy and he goes home for lunch every day!"
Rob McKinnon

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #97 on: February 02, 2015, 01:41:55 PM »
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, "Well it's what Mummy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an @sshole!"
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #98 on: February 02, 2015, 06:34:48 PM »
You grunts can commiserate.

A new army captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges.That's why we have Molly the Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
 
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?
 
''No Sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."   
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #99 on: February 03, 2015, 06:15:44 PM »
An American wrestler tries out for the Olympic Wrestling team.  The coach tells him "Son, you could be the best wrestler I ever coached.  I think you could win the silver medal."

Perplexed, the wrestler asks him "Why only silver?"

The coach says "Well there's this Russian, and he has this move called the Russian Twist.  When he puts that move on there is no counter move- his opponent gets pinned every time."

Sure enough- the American wrestler works his way through the tourney in the Olympics, and finally finds himself in the gold medal match against- you guessed it- the Russian.

The coach says "Well son, here's what I am going to do.  When I see him start putting on the Russian Twist, I'm just gonna yell 'Russians twist, Russian twist!' and you just do whatever you can."

The match begins- period one is back and forth- neither wrestler gaining ground.

Period two begins and it's the same- back and forth- until the final 30 seconds.  The coach sees the Russian moving into the Russian twist and begins yelling "Russian twist!  It's the Russian twist!"

Suddenly there's an incredible scream of agony, the American spins and pins the Russian!  It's an amazing feat- the crowd erupts- not one has ever beaten the Russian!

Afterwards the coach asks the American wrestler "Son, how did you pull that off?"

The American says "Well, you started yelling 'Russian twist' and I felt him begin to move- I felt us twisting in unnatural ways, when suddenly, right on front of my face was a set of hairy testicles.  I figured the only way was to just chomp down on those things and see what happens- so I did.  It's amazing what you can do when you bite your own balls!"
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.