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Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 87728 times)

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Online Flyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #450 on: August 16, 2020, 06:59:03 PM »
“A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.''I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'”
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #451 on: August 20, 2020, 04:21:33 AM »
If Elvis was still alive today, what would he be doing? Recording new songs, enjoying a long retirement, being President of the US?























None of the above. Still scratching the lid of his coffin and screaming.
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Offline zer0netgain

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #452 on: August 20, 2020, 07:57:53 AM »
If Elvis was still alive today, what would he be doing? Recording new songs, enjoying a long retirement, being President of the US?

None of the above. Still scratching the lid of his coffin and screaming.

Nah.  He would have ran out of air long ago.  ;)
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Offline Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #453 on: August 23, 2020, 03:29:22 AM »
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebee.”
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Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #454 on: September 24, 2020, 11:02:36 AM »
The teacher asked the class, "Who can tell me the difference between a callgirl, a girlfriend and a wife:"

The class was silent and obviously deep in thought.

Then, Johnny stood up and said "Prepaid, postpaid and unlimited with certain restrictions."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #455 on: September 24, 2020, 02:20:49 PM »
The teacher asked the class, "Who can tell me the difference between a callgirl, a girlfriend and a wife:"

The class was silent and obviously deep in thought.

Then, Johnny stood up and said "Prepaid, postpaid and unlimited with certain multiple restrictions."
FXT
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #456 on: September 24, 2020, 05:47:27 PM »
I dreamt I was attacked by a motorcycle.  Over and over.

It was a vicious cycle.
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #457 on: September 29, 2020, 02:41:59 PM »
Ireland gave Scotland the bagpipes.
Thing is, the Scots still haven’t realized they’re being attacked!
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #458 on: October 16, 2020, 09:46:08 PM »
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM tomorrow morning." Signed, "The Blonde."
The blonde pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home and give this note to his mother.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. And, yes, it had the $10,000!
Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another blonde!!!"
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #459 on: October 17, 2020, 11:16:25 AM »
Psychiatric hospital hallways really ought to be called...


Psycho paths
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #460 on: October 17, 2020, 04:27:54 PM »
Psychiatric hospital hallways really ought to be called...


Psycho paths
Winner!
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"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online stevent

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #461 on: October 18, 2020, 12:41:06 PM »
Speaking of apes, a gorilla escaped from the zoo one day. They searched high and low for him and finally found him in the local libraries reading room. He was sitting there with two books in front of him, the Holy Bible and Darwin's "On the Origin of Species"

When they asked him what he was doing he said "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brothers keeper, or my keepers brother"...
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #462 on: October 25, 2020, 05:19:54 AM »
WHY MEN WEAR EARRINGS!

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

 The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,  and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online stevent

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #463 on: October 26, 2020, 01:50:48 PM »
Here's some Stoker humour for you.

A dad and his son were drinking one evening and the son asked the difference between theory and reality.
Dad said go ask your mum if she'd sleep with a stranger for a million bucks, so he did and she said yes.
Now dad says go ask your sister if she'd sleep with a stranger for a million bucks, he did and she also said yes.

There you go says dad, in theory we're sitting on 2 million dollars, in reality we live with a couple of sluts..
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #464 on: October 26, 2020, 08:56:40 PM »
 :rolf:
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #465 on: October 31, 2020, 11:28:17 AM »
I told my wife I want to be cremated.


Apparently, I'm booked in for Wednesday next.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #466 on: October 31, 2020, 05:35:31 PM »
Will we be allowed to smoke?
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #467 on: October 31, 2020, 06:09:23 PM »
Will we be allowed to smoke?
Stand close enough...
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #468 on: November 15, 2020, 09:27:23 AM »
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself: That's a little condescending.
If a person's primary concern is increasing freedom, they should prepare for a reduction in average lifespan.  ---  Misanthropist

If you say "Gullible" real slow, it sounds like "Orange"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #469 on: November 23, 2020, 05:35:29 PM »
When a cannibal shows up late for dinner, he gets the cold shoulder.
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Offline Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #470 on: January 14, 2021, 09:49:28 AM »
The earth isn't flat.

fiat earther: exactly right

what?

fiat earther: it's not flat.  it's shaped like an Italian car
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Offline Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #471 on: January 14, 2021, 09:55:14 AM »
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball."
Man ~ "That's nice."
Boy ~ "Want to buy it?"
Man ~ "No, thanks."
Boy ~ "My dad's outside."
Man ~ "OK, how much?"
Boy ~ "$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ "It's dark in here."
Man ~ "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy ~ "$750?
Man ~ "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy ~ "$1,000?
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost."
"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #472 on: January 14, 2021, 10:59:49 AM »
 :rolf:
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #473 on: January 14, 2021, 11:14:11 AM »
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #474 on: January 14, 2021, 11:32:19 AM »
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
...
BWAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAA!
Damnably OUT...
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran