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Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 91589 times)

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Online Flyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #450 on: August 16, 2020, 06:59:03 PM »
“A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.''I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'”
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #451 on: August 20, 2020, 04:21:33 AM »
If Elvis was still alive today, what would he be doing? Recording new songs, enjoying a long retirement, being President of the US?























None of the above. Still scratching the lid of his coffin and screaming.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #452 on: August 20, 2020, 07:57:53 AM »
If Elvis was still alive today, what would he be doing? Recording new songs, enjoying a long retirement, being President of the US?

None of the above. Still scratching the lid of his coffin and screaming.

Nah.  He would have ran out of air long ago.  ;)
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #453 on: August 23, 2020, 03:29:22 AM »
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebee.”
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #454 on: September 24, 2020, 11:02:36 AM »
The teacher asked the class, "Who can tell me the difference between a callgirl, a girlfriend and a wife:"

The class was silent and obviously deep in thought.

Then, Johnny stood up and said "Prepaid, postpaid and unlimited with certain restrictions."
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #455 on: September 24, 2020, 02:20:49 PM »
The teacher asked the class, "Who can tell me the difference between a callgirl, a girlfriend and a wife:"

The class was silent and obviously deep in thought.

Then, Johnny stood up and said "Prepaid, postpaid and unlimited with certain multiple restrictions."
FXT
“God is asleep at the wheel, and humanity is locked in the trunk.” - April Keppner
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #456 on: September 24, 2020, 05:47:27 PM »
I dreamt I was attacked by a motorcycle.  Over and over.

It was a vicious cycle.
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #457 on: September 29, 2020, 02:41:59 PM »
Ireland gave Scotland the bagpipes.
Thing is, the Scots still haven’t realized they’re being attacked!
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #458 on: October 16, 2020, 09:46:08 PM »
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM tomorrow morning." Signed, "The Blonde."
The blonde pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home and give this note to his mother.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. And, yes, it had the $10,000!
Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another blonde!!!"
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #459 on: October 17, 2020, 11:16:25 AM »
Psychiatric hospital hallways really ought to be called...


Psycho paths
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #460 on: October 17, 2020, 04:27:54 PM »
Psychiatric hospital hallways really ought to be called...


Psycho paths
Winner!
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #461 on: October 18, 2020, 12:41:06 PM »
Speaking of apes, a gorilla escaped from the zoo one day. They searched high and low for him and finally found him in the local libraries reading room. He was sitting there with two books in front of him, the Holy Bible and Darwin's "On the Origin of Species"

When they asked him what he was doing he said "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brothers keeper, or my keepers brother"...
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #462 on: October 25, 2020, 05:19:54 AM »
WHY MEN WEAR EARRINGS!

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

 The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,  and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
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"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #463 on: October 26, 2020, 01:50:48 PM »
Here's some Stoker humour for you.

A dad and his son were drinking one evening and the son asked the difference between theory and reality.
Dad said go ask your mum if she'd sleep with a stranger for a million bucks, so he did and she said yes.
Now dad says go ask your sister if she'd sleep with a stranger for a million bucks, he did and she also said yes.

There you go says dad, in theory we're sitting on 2 million dollars, in reality we live with a couple of sluts..
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #464 on: October 26, 2020, 08:56:40 PM »
 :rolf:
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #465 on: October 31, 2020, 11:28:17 AM »
I told my wife I want to be cremated.


Apparently, I'm booked in for Wednesday next.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #466 on: October 31, 2020, 05:35:31 PM »
Will we be allowed to smoke?
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #467 on: October 31, 2020, 06:09:23 PM »
Will we be allowed to smoke?
Stand close enough...
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #468 on: November 15, 2020, 09:27:23 AM »
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself: That's a little condescending.
If a person's primary concern is increasing freedom, they should prepare for a reduction in average lifespan.  ---  Misanthropist

If you say "Gullible" real slow, it sounds like "Orange"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #469 on: November 23, 2020, 05:35:29 PM »
When a cannibal shows up late for dinner, he gets the cold shoulder.
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #470 on: January 14, 2021, 09:49:28 AM »
The earth isn't flat.

fiat earther: exactly right

what?

fiat earther: it's not flat.  it's shaped like an Italian car
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #471 on: January 14, 2021, 09:55:14 AM »
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball."
Man ~ "That's nice."
Boy ~ "Want to buy it?"
Man ~ "No, thanks."
Boy ~ "My dad's outside."
Man ~ "OK, how much?"
Boy ~ "$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ "It's dark in here."
Man ~ "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy ~ "$750?
Man ~ "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy ~ "$1,000?
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost."
"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #472 on: January 14, 2021, 10:59:49 AM »
 :rolf:
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #473 on: January 14, 2021, 11:14:11 AM »
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If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #474 on: January 14, 2021, 11:32:19 AM »
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
...
BWAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAA!
Damnably OUT...
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #475 on: January 23, 2021, 10:50:40 AM »
The semi-rich are pretty much are compelled to become rich.
Otherwise, the helicopters landing and taking off at their estate really mess with the dwarfs in their human chess set.
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #476 on: January 25, 2021, 06:42:32 PM »
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

 The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

 However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

 Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable!

 Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

 Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #477 on: January 26, 2021, 05:16:19 AM »
The semi-rich are pretty much are compelled to become rich.
Otherwise, the helicopters landing and taking off at their estate really mess with the dwarfs in their human chess set.

I don’t get it.  :-[
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #478 on: January 26, 2021, 09:22:16 AM »
The semi-rich are pretty much are compelled to become rich.
Otherwise, the helicopters landing and taking off at their estate really mess with the dwarfs in their human chess set.

I don’t get it.  :-[
Small estates don't allow distance between the heli-pad and chess 'board' on the lawn for prop wash.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #479 on: January 27, 2021, 04:41:49 AM »
The semi-rich are pretty much are compelled to become rich.
Otherwise, the helicopters landing and taking off at their estate really mess with the dwarfs in their human chess set.

I don’t get it.  :-[
Small estates don't allow distance between the heli-pad and chess 'board' on the lawn for prop wash.

Ah....

Makes no sense to me since the cost of an estate is in the improvements, not the acreage.  I wasn’t making the connection.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #480 on: January 27, 2021, 08:39:11 AM »
Ah....

Makes no sense to me since the cost of an estate is in the improvements, not the acreage.  I wasn’t making the connection.
I'm blissfully ignorant
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #481 on: January 27, 2021, 11:48:03 AM »
Ah....

Makes no sense to me since the cost of an estate is in the improvements, not the acreage.  I wasn’t making the connection.
I'm blissfully ignorant
It’s comfy in here.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #482 on: March 27, 2021, 06:26:32 AM »
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.

The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #483 on: March 27, 2021, 10:11:26 AM »
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.

The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

Was that supposed to be “rabbi”?  I still can’t figure it out.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #484 on: March 27, 2021, 10:29:14 AM »
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.

The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

Was that supposed to be “rabbi”?  I still can’t figure it out.
Type O = typo...
It was sooo bad.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #485 on: March 27, 2021, 11:32:13 AM »
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.

The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

Was that supposed to be “rabbi”?  I still can’t figure it out.
Type O = typo...
It was sooo bad.

one of my worse ones  :)
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #486 on: March 27, 2021, 01:33:47 PM »
Stop pit
If a person's primary concern is increasing freedom, they should prepare for a reduction in average lifespan.  ---  Misanthropist

If you say "Gullible" real slow, it sounds like "Orange"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #487 on: March 28, 2021, 06:18:26 AM »
Stop pit

I personally thought that one was pretty good, but it did take me a while to "get it". I had to repeat it to myself a couple times, not the sharpest pencil in the box.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #488 on: March 28, 2021, 05:39:18 PM »
  A young fellow went into the hospital for a vasectomy, when he woke up the doctor and nurses were all standing there with tears in their eyes.. Uh-Oh says the young man, what's wrong? The doctor tearfully told him he'd got his notes mixed up and gave him a sex change instead! The man was stunned and blurted out "you mean I won't ever feel another erection?"

The doctor replied "Well, you probably will it just won't be yours"
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #489 on: March 29, 2021, 09:12:09 AM »
Ouch.
old enough to know better

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #490 on: March 30, 2021, 03:53:46 PM »
A great white shark father and son came across a sinking ship with dozens of people in the water.
Ok, here's what we do son, first we swim around with the tips of our fins out the water,
Then we swim around them with our whole fins out of the water,
Then we wait a few minutes and then go eat them all...

Why mess around dad, asks the youngster.. Can't we just go eat them?

Well son, says the dad.. They taste better if you scare re shit out of them first..
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #491 on: April 07, 2021, 07:12:07 AM »
What do you call an alien who swears over and over, and over? An Extra Tourettestrial
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online Flyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #492 on: April 07, 2021, 05:14:04 PM »
See comment below.
“God is asleep at the wheel, and humanity is locked in the trunk.” - April Keppner
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”

Online Flyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #493 on: April 07, 2021, 05:15:46 PM »
What do you call an alien who swears over and over, and over? An Extra Tourettestrial
:facepalm:
“God is asleep at the wheel, and humanity is locked in the trunk.” - April Keppner
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #494 on: May 07, 2021, 08:39:46 PM »
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #495 on: May 08, 2021, 02:58:15 AM »
True story.
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