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Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 85061 times)

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Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #400 on: July 21, 2019, 09:38:37 PM »
It's the first day of school, and the teacher is getting acquainted with her second-grade class. She tells them "You're in second grade now: you're getting to the age where you should quit using 'baby talk" and use more grown-up speech".
She then asked them to share what they did on their summer vacation.

One boy starts by saying "I got to ride a choo-choo!"

The teacher  says, "That sounds like fun, Johnny- but it's more grown up to say 'I rode a train".

Next a little girl shares "We went to see my Grammy!" Teacher says "That's wonderful to spend time with family- but you might start calling her Grandmother, or Grandma".

Another boy says "I read a book!" Teacher says "Billy, that's wonderful, reading on your summer vacation! What book did you read?"

He stops a moment to think, then replies "Winnie the Shit".
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #401 on: July 23, 2019, 08:55:19 AM »
I've figured out why you don't see Dodge Omni's anymore.
They were doomed from the start.
Because...
Onmivores!
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #402 on: August 16, 2019, 12:56:58 PM »
What do you call a hen staring at a lettuce?















Chicken sees a salad
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #403 on: August 16, 2019, 12:58:33 PM »
Statistically five in every one people are Russian Dolls.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #404 on: August 16, 2019, 12:59:04 PM »
My dad always used to say 'as one door closes, another one opens'.










Which is why he drowned in a submarine.
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Offline Baxter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #405 on: October 14, 2019, 05:24:05 PM »
Sometimes I say to myself that I should stop drinking.  But why would I want to take advice from a drunk who talks to himself?
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.  --Winnie the Pooh

Offline Baxter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #406 on: October 16, 2019, 05:17:51 PM »
Apparently I'm allergic to food.  I swell up every time I eat.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.  --Winnie the Pooh

Offline Baxter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #407 on: October 17, 2019, 09:09:30 PM »
I went in to have my allergies tested.  The doc came back and said there's good news and bad news.

The good news is that I'm only allergic to two things.

The bad news is that the two things are the outdoors and the indoors.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.  --Winnie the Pooh

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #408 on: October 18, 2019, 02:19:52 PM »
Last night I was woke up by the sound of pounding.  It was my neighbor, pounding on his own door.
After 5 minutes of it, I put on my robe and went over.  I told him "He's not home..."  He looked at me blankly for a minute or two, then he left.
As I walked home, I wondered how drunk you gotta be to forget you live alone, and I wondered where the hell he went.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #409 on: October 18, 2019, 02:50:27 PM »
a young woman saw an ancient man on a rocking chair on his porch. she asked him what the secret of his longevity was.

"A case of whisky each week and 40 cigarettes a day", he said.

Astonished, she said, "How old are you?"


















"26"
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Online Guy

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #410 on: October 19, 2019, 07:27:38 AM »
The Swedish are starting to add bar codes to all their military ships, that way when they come into harbor, they can Scandinavian.

Offline mr.awesome

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #411 on: October 19, 2019, 08:15:39 AM »
The Swedish are starting to add bar codes to all their military ships, that way when they come into harbor, they can Scandinavian.

 :facepalm:

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #412 on: October 23, 2019, 08:52:03 AM »
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A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #413 on: November 01, 2019, 03:00:47 PM »
What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?



They don’t hang themselves.
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #414 on: November 06, 2019, 04:31:30 AM »
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the
ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

 "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea
what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
 
The woman below responded, "You must be a politician"
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
 
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen
to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea
how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #415 on: November 15, 2019, 02:07:13 PM »
David was a victum of ID theft.

So...

Now he's Dav
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online Leanintree

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #416 on: November 20, 2019, 08:10:32 AM »
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing

 :naughty:
Great googly-moogly!

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #417 on: November 20, 2019, 08:10:57 AM »
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting? :confused:
Great googly-moogly!

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #418 on: December 10, 2019, 08:20:12 PM »
I taught my dog to read
Only to find out it's dyslexic
And now...
it thinks it's God
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #419 on: December 16, 2019, 12:11:38 PM »
Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping in a very busy York . The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his mobile.


The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."


He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"


Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…


"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.


"Well I am in the bike shop next door."
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #420 on: January 09, 2020, 05:28:35 AM »
Before surgery, the anesthetist said he could knock me out with gas or a paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline Baxter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #421 on: February 07, 2020, 02:10:05 PM »
For Big Bang Theory fans:

Newton's Fourth Law of Motion:

An object dropped from a workbench is attracted to the nearest inaccessible location.

Baxter's Corollary to Newton's Fourth Law of Motion:

The force attracting an object dropped from a workbench to the nearest inaccessible location increases exponentially with the difficulty of replacing the object.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.  --Winnie the Pooh

Online Leanintree

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #422 on: February 08, 2020, 03:20:04 PM »
True story.
Great googly-moogly!

Offline Baxter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #423 on: February 08, 2020, 11:38:29 PM »
That's why there's window screen mesh duct taped over the floor drain next to my basement workbench.   ;)
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.  --Winnie the Pooh

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #424 on: February 10, 2020, 08:27:56 PM »
For Big Bang Theory fans:

Newton's Fourth Law of Motion:

An object dropped from a workbench is attracted to the nearest inaccessible location.

Baxter's Corollary to Newton's Fourth Law of Motion:

The force attracting an object dropped from a workbench to the nearest inaccessible location increases exponentially with the difficulty of replacing the object.

The law of toolcentrisity: if a tool or fastener falls it will always fall to the center, under the vehicle or the hardest place to reach. 
Long held belief of seasoned mechanics.
Freedom without regulations that protect the general good is nothing less than anarchy by the rich.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #425 on: February 21, 2020, 12:38:53 AM »
Her: What do you do?

Me: I race motorcycles.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the motorcycles are much faster.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #426 on: February 21, 2020, 10:00:41 AM »
A fellow goes to town and gets propositioned by an attractive young lady, she says she'll give him a hand job for $20. That's a lot of money he says, so she points to the Ferrari next to the curb and says I bought that with money from hand jobs. He goes for it and is amazed how good it was.

A few days later he sees her again and she offers a blow job for $50. he says that's a lot of money. She points to the beautiful mansion up the road and says I bought that with money from blow jobs, again he goes for it and is staggered how good she was.

The next time he sees her he says, you know that other stuff was great, how much for a fuck? She laughs and says Hell if I had a pussy I'd be a millionaire by now !
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #427 on: February 21, 2020, 01:21:19 PM »
Uh-Oh.....
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #428 on: March 14, 2020, 06:08:37 PM »
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'


Why I won't spend a ton of money on one. :bigsmile:
She's a big girl, but boy can she dance.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #429 on: March 14, 2020, 07:25:34 PM »
I only spent about a third of that, but the result was similar.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #430 on: March 14, 2020, 08:27:48 PM »
You know, pandemic humor just isn't funny.








...until everyone gets it.
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #431 on: March 14, 2020, 08:28:57 PM »
You know, pandemic humor just isn't funny.








...until everyone gets it.

Out.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #432 on: March 15, 2020, 02:26:19 AM »
out. best one for ages.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #433 on: March 15, 2020, 08:08:42 PM »
What has 9 arms and sucks?

--
--
Def Leopard
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #434 on: March 16, 2020, 07:55:24 AM »
Britain doesn’t have a kidney bank,
but they do have a Liverpool.

Bad enough for ya?
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #435 on: March 16, 2020, 08:16:44 AM »
You know, pandemic humor just isn't funny.








...until everyone gets it.

 :snork: :willy: :lol:
If a person's primary concern is increasing freedom, they should prepare for a reduction in average lifespan.  ---  Misanthropist

If you say "Gullible" real slow, it sounds like "Orange"

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #436 on: March 20, 2020, 10:39:16 AM »
Does masturbation cause stuttering?
a asking  f f f for a a  f f f friend
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #437 on: March 22, 2020, 06:54:31 AM »
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, “What’s less?”

The guy says “I don’t know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it.”
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #438 on: March 26, 2020, 01:51:05 AM »
Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #439 on: March 26, 2020, 04:18:46 AM »
Some are already branding them Corona Kids.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #440 on: March 26, 2020, 10:48:57 AM »
Some are already branding them Corona Kids.
I heard coronials
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #441 on: April 12, 2020, 12:14:42 PM »
I was out fishing when I ran out of bait,I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog .

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #442 on: May 10, 2020, 05:38:08 AM »
Knock knock




Who's there?





Your grandfather. And stop the bloody funeral.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #443 on: June 02, 2020, 08:44:13 PM »
Why do boy-scouts knock on the fridge door before opening it?





In case there's a salad dressing
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #444 on: June 20, 2020, 04:38:02 AM »
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #445 on: June 20, 2020, 08:12:09 AM »
Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #446 on: June 26, 2020, 08:55:52 AM »
A riding buddy tried 'tuning up' his bike with some cheapo performance parts he got online.  He called me saying "something's outta whack."
So I said...
Order some whack online and let me know when it's delivered
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online Vulcanbill

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #447 on: June 26, 2020, 09:00:09 PM »
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

Not sure why it's funnier since Kim used to work for that company...but it is.
If a person's primary concern is increasing freedom, they should prepare for a reduction in average lifespan.  ---  Misanthropist

If you say "Gullible" real slow, it sounds like "Orange"

Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #448 on: August 06, 2020, 02:07:23 PM »
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. But
































"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #449 on: August 06, 2020, 04:44:32 PM »
GET HIM!
 >:(
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran