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Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 84214 times)

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Online coho

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #350 on: July 31, 2018, 10:23:46 PM »
Which mythical monster does not have a reflection?


All of them.

Winner, winner...
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #351 on: August 04, 2018, 01:49:05 AM »
I went to the cinema once to see Lord of the Rings and was surprised to see a dog in the row in-front watching it. He sat with his owner and howled at the sad stuff and barked at the exciting stuff.


At the end I told his owner how amazed I was that the dog enjoyed it so much.


“So am I” replied his owner. “He hated the book.”
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Offline st2sam

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #352 on: August 06, 2018, 05:04:40 PM »
IS SEX WORK:

 A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
 staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
 colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

 He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
 he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
 question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
 "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work .

 A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
 favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the
 time.

 There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
 charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

 Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
 100% pleasure."

 The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

 "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
 doing it for them."

 The room fell silent.

 God Bless the enlisted man.
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Online stevent

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #353 on: August 08, 2018, 09:33:16 AM »
A guy out for a drive in the country came across a sign saying "Talking Dog For Sale $20."
He stopped to take a look and found a ratty old guy in a rocker with an even rattier old black lab at his feet.
So that's a talking dog eh? said the prospective customer
Yep, that's the one replied the old guy, ask him something
He did and the dog replied "of course I can talk, I learned when I was in a CIA puppy mill.
Wow, said the guy that's amazing!.. "Yes, said the dog.. they used to have me wander around the embassy when foreign dignitaries were there so I could eves drop on them, then I'd report back. One time I spent the night with Mr & Mrs Gorbachev, I was given to Fidel Castro as a gift to listen in on his plans, I sat at the Chinese ambassador feet during negotiations, I learned  all kinds of things and reported back to them"..
Wow, and you only want $20. for the dog?
That's right said the old guy, the dogs full of shit! he never did any of those things, he's lived here all his life!
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #354 on: August 16, 2018, 09:42:09 AM »
Three guys are out on a boat for a day of fishing.
After a bit, they find that they have 4 cigarettes but no lighter or matches.
They look at each other for a while wondering what to do.
They guy with a physics degree tosses one of the cigarettes overboard.
Another guy asks "What the hell did you do THAT for?!?"
"Because now, the whole boat is 'a cigarette lighter'. "
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #355 on: September 15, 2018, 08:36:54 AM »
What's really thick and lives on a globe?

















A flat Earther.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #356 on: October 11, 2018, 11:34:38 AM »
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?



An Eliphino..
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #357 on: October 21, 2018, 02:49:59 AM »
 I've lost the dictionary


 -Can you look upstairs?


I can't look up anything
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #358 on: October 21, 2018, 12:08:44 PM »
While riding my motorcycle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the bike, I guess."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned as he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!” -Angus Young
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Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #359 on: November 03, 2018, 09:49:30 PM »
When life gives you dilemmas

You make

delemmonade
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #360 on: November 17, 2018, 02:14:40 AM »
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #361 on: November 17, 2018, 02:37:09 AM »
How many grammar nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

















Too
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #362 on: November 24, 2018, 11:13:20 AM »
My stolen sofa has finally been recovered. Hopefully, the people I took it from won't recognise it now.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #363 on: November 26, 2018, 11:26:00 AM »
A young man came home from school and proudly told his dad he had sex with a hot young teacher..

Good for you son, said the father! that's every young mans fantasy.. would you like me to buy you a new bicycle or something to celebrate?

If it's all the same to you dad, said the boy, I'd rather have a football, my ass is still pretty sore...
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #364 on: November 26, 2018, 11:45:19 AM »
A young lady from the Philadelphia Examiner gets sent to an Indian village to get a story.
The first person she see's has a feather in his head band so she asks him what it means?
He replies, "I'm a brave, I fucked one woman"
Oh my heavens she replies, she see's another fellow with four feathers and asks him the same question,
He replies, "I'm warrior, I fucked four women"
Oh my goodness she replies, She sees a man with a whole head dress full of feathers and figures she'll get a straight answer this time so she asks him the same question,
"I'M Chief", he replies "I fucked all the women".. Oh dear! she says..
"No, no deer! ass too high and they run too fast"
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #365 on: December 06, 2018, 02:38:06 PM »
 A Idahoan went hunting one day and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies. The game warden ordered the Idahoan to show his hunting license, and the Idahoan pulled out a valid Idaho hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, “This duck ain’t from Idaho. This is a Montana duck. You got a Montana huntin’ license, boy?” The  Idahoan reached into his wallet and produced a Montana hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said, “This ain’t no Montana duck. This duck’s from Oregon . You got a Oregon license?” The Idahoan reached into wallet and produced a Oregon hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said,

“This ain’t no Oregon duck. This here duck’s from Washington . You got a Washington huntin’ license?” Again the Idahoan reached into his wallet and brought out a Washington hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Idahoan,

“Just where the hell are you from?”

The Idahoan turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,
“You tell me, you’re the expert.”
 :razz:
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned as he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!” -Angus Young
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #366 on: December 06, 2018, 02:59:32 PM »
why shouldn't you eat tinsel?


















it gives you tinsellitis, silly
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #367 on: December 07, 2018, 12:28:37 AM »
A young cowboy walks into the pub.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of soup.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately vomits up the soup back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #368 on: December 12, 2018, 12:08:02 AM »
What has two legs and bleeds?


























Half a dog.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #369 on: December 13, 2018, 09:14:58 AM »
During a revival at a small Southern Church, the preacher was pounding the pulpit and preaching against the evils of adultery, then smoking and then gluttony.
A little old lady was on her feet saying loudly "AMEN, PREACHER!", "AMEN BROTHER!", to everything he preached against.
He then prophesied on the evils of alcohol.  The little old lady became silent and sat down.
After services, he approached her; "Sister Johnson, there for a while, you was agreeing with everything I said, then I got to whisky and you became silent... Why?"
"Well, Brother, for a while you was preaching real good. But when you talked about how bad wine and whiskey was, you quit preaching, and went to meddling."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #370 on: December 16, 2018, 09:01:05 PM »
I wen't to see my urologist last week. He was on vacation so his new partner saw me. She turned out to be drop-dead-gorgeous. She took one look at me and said "You have to stop masturbating!"... I asked "Why?"....
She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
Hard work, pays off in the future. Laziness, pays off now.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #371 on: December 18, 2018, 05:04:33 PM »
An undertaker came home with a black eye.
"Oh My! What happened?!?'' asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day,'' he replies.  "I had to pick up a man who had died in his sleep at a hotel. When I got there, the police were in the coffee shop across the street and said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had a huge erection.
I went to the room and, sure enough, there's this big guy, lying naked on the bed with a huge erection. So I did what I always do."
"What's that?" asked the wife.
"I grabbed it with both hands and bent it in half."
"I see.'' says his wife. ''But how did you get the black eye?
He replies, ''Wrong room!"
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #372 on: December 19, 2018, 06:14:55 PM »
Always ask, never assume...

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the
valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'

 'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight
instructor?'
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned as he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!” -Angus Young
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Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #373 on: December 19, 2018, 07:18:26 PM »
 :lol:
Hard work, pays off in the future. Laziness, pays off now.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #374 on: December 19, 2018, 10:12:21 PM »
Nice one Flyer  :bigok:
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #375 on: December 20, 2018, 12:36:49 PM »
Stolen. or, Stollen, coz it's Christmas.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #376 on: January 03, 2019, 11:05:39 PM »
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monégasque, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, an Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

all go to a nightclub ..................................

The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #377 on: January 11, 2019, 08:39:30 AM »
A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
When asked if he'd like a drink, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage
of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then  said loudly and quickly, "Change mine to that too, Ma'am! I didn't know we had that choice."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #378 on: January 12, 2019, 09:57:26 PM »
An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #379 on: March 09, 2019, 10:17:57 AM »
If electricity takes the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike France?
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #380 on: March 18, 2019, 01:15:43 PM »
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #381 on: March 19, 2019, 06:54:23 AM »
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Side note: Parts of 119 rock.
-Steve
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #382 on: March 19, 2019, 01:39:18 PM »
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

" Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the MCG. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and do their business in the bushes - right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a little chainsaw that my dear departed, forestry worker, husband left behind. Each time someone pees into the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop."OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #383 on: March 25, 2019, 01:54:28 AM »
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, & good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy shit!" thought the father, "This kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #384 on: April 28, 2019, 02:37:43 PM »
A farmer named Clyde was hit on his tractor by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy, hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I was taking my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details!", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question... please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had Bessie in the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road to..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was 'just fine'. Now, he's trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

The Judge scowlled at the lawyer and said, "He's tried to tell you twice now that the answer has something to do with his favorite cow, Bessie.  And I'd like to hear what he has to say".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had Bessie, my favorite cow, in the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He must have heard Bessie moaning and groaning, because he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her to put her out of her misery.
Then, the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now, you tell me, what the heck would you say?!?"
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #385 on: April 28, 2019, 03:32:21 PM »
Out.
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #386 on: April 28, 2019, 03:42:48 PM »
Ha! Outx2
-Steve
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #387 on: April 30, 2019, 11:57:36 AM »
The judge said to the defendant, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a Hammer.”
A man shouts from the back of the courtroom ”You bastard!”
The judge says to the defendant “You are also charged with beating your mother in law to death with a hammer.”
From the back of the courtroom, the man shouts “You dirty, rotten bastard!”
The judge looks at the man that yelled out and says “I understand that you are upset, but if you interrupt one more time, I will hold you in contempt of court.”
The guy stands up and says “I’m sorry, your honor, but I have lived next door to him for fifteen years and every time that I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #388 on: June 05, 2019, 04:08:29 PM »
My friend Brian has two tickets to this year's IOM TT senior race

Unfortunately for him, he bought them months ago-before he booked his wedding. Oh dear. The wedding and the race are both on the same day.









So-if anybody is interested in getting married.... 
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #389 on: June 11, 2019, 09:35:46 AM »
A mother and son were flying on Spirit Airlines.
The boy was very talkative, including asking random questions; Why is the sky blue?  What are clouds made of?
The mother did her best to answer him honestly and tactfully.
When the boy asked; Dogs and cats have babies, do airplanes have babies?, the mother was unable to answer him. So she told him to ask the flight attendant.  And he did!
She looked at the boy a cpl seconds, then looked at the mother - who was obviously embarrassed.
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" she asked.  They boy said, "Yes."
She smirked a bit, the said "I can only answer for Spirit Airlines, and Spirit doesn't have babies because Spitit always pulls out on time...  Now your mother can try to explain that to you."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #390 on: June 20, 2019, 09:29:11 AM »
Two elderly ladies are catching up after one returned from a long trip.
"Eleanor is finally at peace."
"Oh my, I'm sorry, I did not know she had died."
"Oh, Eleanor is very well. Her husband passed. And he had good insurance."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #391 on: June 20, 2019, 09:57:19 AM »
Wife asked if she was the only one I have slept with.
I told her yes, all the others were nines or tens.

Please send funds to my gofundme account to cover hospital bills.
You never see a motorcycle parked outside a psychiatrists' office.
Where am I?

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #392 on: July 03, 2019, 03:30:49 PM »
Taking a dog called "Shark" to the beach wasn't such a good idea.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #393 on: July 05, 2019, 08:48:50 AM »
A mother visits her son who has a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was and how well they got along.
It made her suspicious of a relationship between the two of them and she watched the two interact  for any clues.
Reading his mother's thoughts, the son volunteered a disclaimer, “I know what you must be thinking Mom, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate asked; “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver  serving spoon. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said, "Well, I doubt it... but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote:  "Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you took the silver serving spoon from my house, but the fact is that it's missing since you were here for dinner.
Love, Your Son."

His mother replied with:  "Dear Son; I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with your gorgeous roommate,
but the fact is if she were sleeping in her OWN BED, she would have found the serving spoon,
under her pillow…
Love; Mom."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #394 on: July 05, 2019, 10:59:58 AM »
 :lol:
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned as he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!” -Angus Young
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #395 on: July 09, 2019, 06:23:16 AM »
Where did Captain Hook get his Hooks?  At the second hand store.
old enough to know better

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #396 on: July 10, 2019, 05:46:06 AM »
^^^^^
Award-winningly “bad”...
 :fitz:
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned as he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!” -Angus Young
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #397 on: July 11, 2019, 08:18:12 AM »
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone, for ten years.
One day, out of the surf comes someone wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.  They stand up when they got to shallow water and he can see it's a woman!  She takes off her scuba equipment and mask; she's a gorgeous blonde!
She says to him, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!” he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! That is good!”
Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She unzips a pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then, she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?” The man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got a motorcycle in there!”
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #398 on: July 12, 2019, 12:47:23 AM »
The Big Corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of any dead wood.

On a tour of the factory and warehouses, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $500 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $2,000 in cash, and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that idiot did here?"









From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's!"
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #399 on: July 13, 2019, 09:08:46 AM »
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the  South Wales back country.

As I was not familiar with the back roads I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral director had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter