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Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 84092 times)

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Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #300 on: August 01, 2017, 02:56:31 PM »
The friars were behind on their belfry payments.
They always sold some of the wine they made, but selling much more would be a sacrifice they'd rather not endure.
They knew quite a bit about horticulture from running their vineyard, so they thought they could use that to grow flowers to sell.
Their first batch of flowers were nice, but not good enough to open a florist shop.  The friars were pretty sure they could do better with some fertilizer.  Instead of buying fertilizer, they decided to buy some animals that would distribute their fertilizer in the field of flowers.
They bought some chickens, and the flowers did better.
They bought some rabbits, and the flowers did better.
They bought some geese, the flowers did even better.
They bought some sheep - only females to ensure the population didn't grow to more than they could feed (they learned this lesson from the rabbits). 
The female sheep ate the flowers!!

So remember: Ewe, and only ewe, can prevent florist friars.
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #301 on: August 21, 2017, 03:52:18 PM »
A duck walks into an employment agency and asks if there's any work.

The agent takes one look at him and says he'll call the duck back.

20 minutes later, the duck's phone rings. It's the agency.

"Hey, I've found you a brilliant job in show biz! The money is great and you start tomorrow?"

...."And what good is that for a plumber?"
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #302 on: August 22, 2017, 09:42:12 AM »
My wife is really angry with me for painting a tiger face on my 6 year old daughter.

She made me close the coffin for the funeral.
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #303 on: August 22, 2017, 02:21:03 PM »
Last week, I managed to get the money together to order the time machine that I always wanted.

Ordered on Amazon Prime, delivered (finally) today.

It arrived outside my house on the truck.

The driver unloaded it but it fell over and smashed to bits.

Oh no, not again.
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #304 on: August 22, 2017, 03:24:48 PM »
It was April and the Aborigines in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
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Online bungie4

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #305 on: August 23, 2017, 06:49:47 AM »
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

Out!
-Steve
SnowMexican
WWPD
choo choo mf'r.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #306 on: August 23, 2017, 02:40:22 PM »
The Oldest Lawyer

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" ."That's my business! Get me the course!" .Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. .Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. .Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?" .In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."
Great googly-moogly!

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #307 on: August 23, 2017, 02:42:47 PM »
 :rolf:

Although I thought my time machine joke was pretty good..
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #308 on: September 05, 2017, 11:57:51 PM »
I saw a news report that a midget got pick-pocketed on Main Street in broad daylight!
How could anyone stoop so low?
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #309 on: October 21, 2017, 03:15:41 AM »
An 80 year old man was arrested for shop lifting. When he went before the judge he asked him, "What did you steal?"

He replied: "A can of peaches".

The judge asked him why he had stolen them and he replied that he was hungry.

The judge then asked him how many peaches were in the can.

He replied "6".

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the man's wife spoke up and asked the judge if she could say something.

The Judge said, "What is it?"

The wife said "He also stole a can of peas"
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #310 on: October 26, 2017, 03:07:16 PM »
I was in the pub last week with a few friends and was telling the old joke "What would you do if you saw someone having an epileptic fit in the bath" and the answer is "throw in the washing".

We were laughing when this huge bloke taps me on the shoulder and said "I don't think that's funny, my brother died whilst having an epileptic fit in the bath"

"Oh sorry" I said, "Did he drown?",








"no" he replied "He choked on a sock"
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #311 on: October 27, 2017, 05:00:03 PM »
:rolf:
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

Offline st2sam

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #312 on: October 28, 2017, 07:11:19 PM »
While reading an article last  night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness.  He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't.  I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! 
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.  He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so drunk I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
She's a big girl, but boy can she dance.

"Traffic was thick as NRA members at an ammo sale." - Sleazy Rider

Offline st2sam

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #313 on: October 28, 2017, 07:16:02 PM »

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. 
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
She's a big girl, but boy can she dance.

"Traffic was thick as NRA members at an ammo sale." - Sleazy Rider

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #314 on: November 19, 2017, 05:50:12 AM »
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on fuel and farkles for your motorcycle?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man.  "I haven't ridden a bike in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money.  Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay.  It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drink and motorcycles."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned as he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!” -Angus Young
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Offline kneescrubber

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #315 on: November 19, 2017, 09:41:42 AM »
 :lol:
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #316 on: November 19, 2017, 05:49:21 PM »
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on fuel and farkles for your motorcycle?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man.  "I haven't ridden a bike in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money.  Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay.  It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drink and motorcycles."
I've never wanted to make an embroidery sampler before...
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #317 on: November 23, 2017, 04:15:48 PM »
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.      'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said,      'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize ?'
The Irishman replied,
'These are Carols.'
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned as he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!” -Angus Young
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #318 on: December 07, 2017, 01:25:17 PM »
I went to the pub and had a couple of pints.

The Griso thudded away like it does.

After a drink or two, I thought a bottle of whisky would be nice. To take home.

So, I stopped off a bought a bottle of Laphroiag.

I put it in a saddle bag.

Then I thought: what if I fall off? I'll break it.

So I drank the entire bottle.

Which was really lucky, as I fell off six times on the way home.
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Offline Andrew

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #319 on: December 07, 2017, 08:18:18 PM »
Winner   /\ /\ /\ /\   

Now that's a christmas story I can relate to
Freedom without regulations that protect the general good is nothing less than anarchy by the rich.

"Riders might be worse than Kardashians for stupidity any more." Cornbe

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #320 on: December 18, 2017, 08:44:23 PM »
Naughty little Benny stole the Rabbi's gold watch.
That night, he kept thinking about the watch and couldn't sleep. So, the next morning he skipped breakfast and went to the Rabbi's office before school.
"Rabbi, I stole a gold watch."
"Benny, that's a big sin. You must return it to the owner immediately."
"Do you want it?"
"No, I said return it to its owner."
"But he doesn't want it."
"Ah, in that case, you can keep it."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #321 on: January 05, 2018, 06:50:16 AM »
A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand
new Porsche Cayenne advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a confident looking young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray
Ban sunglasses and a Yves St. Laurent tie, leans out of the window and asks
the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his
peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answers,
"Sure! This I gotta see!"
The yuppie parks the SUV, whips out his palm pilot, connects it to a
cellphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet. On the NASA page he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans
the area, and then opens up a database. It has some 60 Excel spreadsheets,
each with complex
formulas. Finally he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech
miniaturized printer, turns to our shepherd and says:
"You have here ... exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"Unbelievable! That's correct. As I agreed, you can take one of the
sheep,"says the shepherd.
He watches as the young man makes a selection and bundles it into his SUV.
Then the shepherd says,
"If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep
back?"
"Okay, sounds fair," answers the sleek, well-dressed young man.
"You are a consultant," says the shepherd, emphatically.
"That's correct!", exclaims the yuppie consultant, "How did you know that?"
"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here, although nobody called for
you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question that I already knew
the answer to. And finally, you know nothing about my business. Now give me
back my dog."
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Online viffergyrl

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #322 on: January 05, 2018, 08:26:34 AM »
Oh I'm saving that one.
The world is a mess. It has always been a mess. Our job is to straighten out our own lives.  Joseph Campbell

Online HipGnosis

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #323 on: January 06, 2018, 12:14:36 PM »
A man and a woman were having a romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress noticed the woman slowly slide down her chair, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid totally out of sight under the tablecloth... Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué, went over to the table and, tactfully said to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I noticed that your wife has slid under the table.  Is there a problem?”
The man calmly looked up at her, gave a weak smile and said: "The problem is...  my wife just walked in."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #324 on: January 08, 2018, 12:07:44 PM »
Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

The nurse, his wife, daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks that 2 witnesses be present and a camcorder in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"To my son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the east bank of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize the extent of his real estate holdings, and as Mr. Smith slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have worked very hard to have accumulated so much property".

To which the wife replied, "The a$$-hole had a paper route."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned as he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!” -Angus Young
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #325 on: January 11, 2018, 02:29:33 PM »
A man goes to visit his doctor,
"Doc, I've got a rather embarassing problem, my farts just don't sound right,"
"Well how do they sound?" enquires the doctor.
"They make a HONDA sound"
The doctor looks puzzled, "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"
"Well I also have a terrible boil on my arse," replies the man
The doctor looks pleased, "Thats it then. We'll lance that boil and you'll see a difference immediately,"
"Why's that then, Doc?" asks the man
"It's well known," laughs the Doctor, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #326 on: January 11, 2018, 07:58:50 PM »
 :facepalm:
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned as he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!” -Angus Young
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #327 on: March 04, 2018, 03:57:35 AM »
Doctor, I think I'm a moth.


Then you need to see the psychiatrist next door.


I would have but your light was on.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #328 on: April 24, 2018, 01:55:56 AM »
A man attending a funeral asks the widow,  "Do you mind if I say a word?"

The widow says, "Please do".

The man then clears his throat and says, "Plethora!"

The widow says, "Thank you. That means a lot."
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #329 on: May 03, 2018, 11:57:47 AM »
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job.  The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms !"

"No matter," said the man.  "Observe !"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,
drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

"Bishop, who was this man ?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

" ................... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due
to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued
his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday.  I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in
this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened ?  Who is this man ?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but.."
.
.
.
.
.
"HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER!"


 

 
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned as he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!” -Angus Young
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #330 on: May 03, 2018, 01:43:46 PM »
no. please  stop.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #331 on: May 20, 2018, 01:34:02 PM »
What four legged animal helps pollination?















Most of a bee.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #332 on: May 21, 2018, 11:54:39 AM »
What do you call an alien with no eyes?




















Alen
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #333 on: June 23, 2018, 01:50:48 PM »
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks the son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, “I did some school work.”

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “Ok, ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”

Son says, “Toy Story.”

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, “Ok, ok. We were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”

The robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son. Just like you, darling!”

The robot slaps the mother.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #334 on: July 09, 2018, 11:52:17 PM »
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million . . . and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary . . ."
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #335 on: July 24, 2018, 08:54:47 AM »
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth arrive at the Pearly Gates on the same day.
Saint Peter says: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy for a reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen quietly walked to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was shocked and asked, "What was that all about?!? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted?!?  Would you explain that to me?” "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #336 on: July 25, 2018, 10:03:31 PM »
Her:  Undress me with your words
Him:  There's a spider in your bra
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #337 on: July 25, 2018, 10:49:22 PM »
^^^
Out.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #338 on: July 27, 2018, 01:11:44 PM »
One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his motorcycle in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that weʼre married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage.
You probably should consider selling your bike and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time.
And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it.
I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment..."
And whatʼs the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied, “I wasn't..."
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #339 on: July 27, 2018, 01:22:33 PM »
beaten to it by hippnogsis
« Last Edit: July 31, 2018, 02:05:19 PM by Papa Lazarou »
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #340 on: July 27, 2018, 01:59:53 PM »
By the law of probability, it is certain that chimpanzees randomly hitting typewrite  keys will, by chance, eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare.






Except the internet now shows this to be untrue.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #341 on: July 27, 2018, 08:30:19 PM »
By the law of probability, it is certain that chimpanzees randomly hitting typewrite  keys will, by chance, eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare.






Except the internet now shows this to be untrue.


I have said on many occasions that comments sections of news sites disprove the million monkeys theory.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #342 on: July 27, 2018, 10:32:37 PM »
Perhaps we just need more monkeys?

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #343 on: July 31, 2018, 02:56:33 PM »
I can't think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #344 on: July 31, 2018, 03:22:04 PM »
I make no apologies for this one. But I probably should.


Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are a paedophile, but you just haven't met the right child yet?




















Please would someone get to the next page? Please?

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #345 on: July 31, 2018, 05:13:03 PM »
An elderly man in Louisiana owned a farm with a large pond in the back. 

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a picnic table and some apple and peach trees.

One evening he headed to the pond with a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. 

It was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Old guys are sharp, yunow.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #346 on: July 31, 2018, 08:19:02 PM »

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a whiz?
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 No matter where you go, there you are.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #347 on: July 31, 2018, 08:50:19 PM »

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a whiz?

Because they're all dead?
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #348 on: July 31, 2018, 08:50:57 PM »
Which mythical monster does not have a reflection?
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #349 on: July 31, 2018, 10:19:26 PM »
Which mythical monster does not have a reflection?


All of them.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries