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Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 82519 times)

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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #250 on: January 19, 2017, 08:07:15 AM »
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?






















The taste.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #251 on: January 19, 2017, 08:10:17 AM »
If you ever get to the stage where you think that your life is pointless and has no meaning, just remind yourself that there is somebody out there who spends all day fitting indicators to BMWs.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #252 on: January 19, 2017, 08:11:39 AM »
Well done Whitney Houston!!!

Drug free for 4 years!
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #253 on: January 19, 2017, 08:29:29 AM »
Well done Whitney Houston!!!

Drug free for 4 years!

OUT! 

Offline squeezer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #254 on: January 19, 2017, 12:34:58 PM »
Well done Whitney Houston!!!

Drug free for 4 years!

 :facepalm:  Out. And hellbound.
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Offline Stripes

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Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #255 on: January 24, 2017, 07:09:55 AM »
The US Secret Service now has a new code phrase. When there's an active shooter near the president, instead of yelling "Mr. President, get down!" they're going to yell "Donald Duck".
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #256 on: January 24, 2017, 09:44:00 AM »
Why did the bavarian call his underwear 'brosen'?

So when he was getting dressed on days he wore his lederhosen he could say "brosen before hosen."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #257 on: January 24, 2017, 01:15:44 PM »
WOW!
That's genuinely bad.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison

”And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned and he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!”
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #258 on: January 26, 2017, 02:23:18 PM »
 God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something  for Me.'
 Adam said, 'gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'
 God said, Go down into that valley.'
  Adam said 'what's a valley?'
  God explained it to him. 
  Then God said, 'cross  the river.'
  Adam  said, 'what's a river?'
  God  explained that To  him, and then said, 'go over to the hill....'
  Adam  said, 'what is a hill?'
  So,  God explained to Adam what a hill was.
  He told Adam, 'on The other side of the Hill  you will find a cave.'
  Adam  said, 'What's a cave?'
  After  God explained, He said, in the cave you will find a woman.'
  Adam  said, 'what's a woman?'
  So  God explained that to him, too.
  Then,  God said, 'I want  you to reproduce.'
  Adam  said, 'how do I do that?'
  God  first said (under His  breath), 'geez.....'
  And then, just  like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
  So,  Adam goes down into the  valley, across  the river, and over  the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
  Then, in about  five minutes, he was back.     
  God, His  patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'what is it now?'
  And  Adam said....
 
 'What's a headache?'
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison

”And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned and he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!”
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #259 on: January 26, 2017, 06:55:03 PM »
Actual lol at that one...
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Offline MrsCablebandit

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #260 on: February 14, 2017, 12:02:45 PM »
What do farmers give their wives for Valentine's Day?





Hogs and kisses.
I used to make a bigger impression.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #261 on: February 14, 2017, 02:04:24 PM »
Oh dear.

You failed your driving test.

But look on the bright side, at least you acquired a fence and two pedestrians!
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #262 on: March 08, 2017, 05:17:36 AM »
Archie is lying in a hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
Through his mask, Archie struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, the nurse overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison

”And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned and he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!”
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #263 on: March 08, 2017, 06:34:05 AM »
After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
Then the nurse came in. 
As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:

'Who Was That?
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison

”And the music was good, and the music was loud, and the singer he turned and he said to the crowd, LET THERE BE ROCK!”
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #264 on: March 08, 2017, 06:44:52 AM »
I was very sad when the old man died. As was my mother, obviously.




My father was a bit surprised, as he didn't realise I had bought an old man.
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Offline Dan K

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #265 on: March 08, 2017, 12:46:38 PM »
A Spanish speaking magician tells his audience, " I will disappear on the count of three."

He starts his count.. "Uno... Dos... " And then he disappears, without a tres.

 :bigok:

Made me laugh.

 
Sometimes, the only answer is defenestration.

Offline I'm NOT Carl

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #266 on: March 16, 2017, 09:50:07 AM »
High School Freshman: "Mr. Marching band director, what is the difference between a guitar and a bass guitar?"

Marching Band Director: "A Bass Guitar will burn longer."
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Offline I'm NOT Carl

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #267 on: March 16, 2017, 09:51:22 AM »
A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student. The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string. Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string. The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is. The kid picks up and says, "Oh, sorry man, I got a gig..."
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Offline I'm NOT Carl

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #268 on: March 16, 2017, 09:52:15 AM »
Q: What's the difference between a dog driving a car and a trombonist driving a car?
A: The dog may be on his way to a gig.
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Offline I'm NOT Carl

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #269 on: March 16, 2017, 09:53:39 AM »
How do you know a drummer is at your door?

The knocking gets faster and faster.
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Offline I'm NOT Carl

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #270 on: March 16, 2017, 09:57:43 AM »
Why do drummers leave their drum sticks on the dashboard?

So they can use handicapped parking.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #271 on: March 16, 2017, 09:58:06 AM »
Why do basses have 4 strings?

3 are spares.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #272 on: March 17, 2017, 07:48:46 AM »
How do you know a drummer is at your door?

The knocking gets faster and faster, and he never knows when to come in.

There, FTFY.
LT
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #273 on: March 17, 2017, 07:49:40 AM »
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

6.    1 to do it and 5 to say they could do it better.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #274 on: March 17, 2017, 07:50:36 AM »
What does it mean when there is drool leaking out of both sides of the drummers mouth?

Drum riser is level.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #275 on: March 17, 2017, 07:51:21 AM »
How many vocalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1.   they hold it up and the world revolves around them.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #276 on: March 17, 2017, 07:52:09 AM »
What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #277 on: March 17, 2017, 07:52:58 AM »
What do they call people who hang out with musicians?

Bass player.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #278 on: March 17, 2017, 07:55:06 AM »
What's the difference between an accordion smashed in the road and a skunk smashed in the road?

There's skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Offline I'm NOT Carl

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #279 on: March 17, 2017, 08:21:21 AM »
How do you get a drummer off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #280 on: March 17, 2017, 08:25:31 AM »
What do you call a drummer in a 3 piece suit?

The Defendant
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #281 on: March 19, 2017, 03:21:09 PM »
what do you call someone who hangs out with violinists? a viola player. (sorry).
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #282 on: March 31, 2017, 09:28:38 AM »
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the Edinburgh zoo.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
At an interview: “What is your greatest weakness?” “Honesty.” “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.” “I don’t give a fuck what you think.”
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today.
Midget Psychic escapes jail. Small medium at large.
Regular sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your hole weak.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere…
“This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”
What’s the difference between my ex and the Titanic? The Titanic only went down on 1,000 people
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass.
A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh”. The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s only got little legs.
“I stand corrected”, said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? K.
Why shouldn’t you hire a midget as a chef?The steaks are too high
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes \*whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” \*whack*
A baby seal walks into a club.
Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
What do you call a french man in sandals? Phelipe Phalop.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is
An agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog.
Diarrhea is hereditary … It runs in your jeans.
What do you call an epileptic person in a garden? Seizure salad.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic’s Association
Two scientists walk into a bar. One says “I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I’ll have an H2O, too.” He died.
What’s the purpose of reindeer? To make the grass grow sweetie
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
What does every tickle-me elmo get before it leaves the factory? Two test tickles.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A cant opener
“Torture me” said the masochist. “No”, the sadist smiled!
Velcro. What a rip-off.
A grasshopper sits down at the bar. The bartender says ‘hey, I gotta drink named after you.’ The grasshopper says ‘you have a drink named Steve..? ‘
When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
All in all…. it was a good orgy.
Say what you want about deaf people…
A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”
Have you heard about the new pillows made out of corduroy? They’re making headlines.
Im reading a book on anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.
So a blind man walks into a bar, a bus stop and a fence.
Polygamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.
When you mix alcohol and literature, you get Tequila Mockingbird
My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. Never, ever talked about it though.
I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
How are broccoli and anal sex similar? If you’re forced to have it as a kid, you probably won’t like it as an adult
Two drums and a pair of cymbals fall off a cliff………..Budum tssshh!!!
What do you call the little Irish man that lives on your porch? Patty O’Furniture
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things to her. ”………..dishes
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Stationery store moves
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral? Nothing.
An elf, a man, and a wizard walk into a bar. The hobbit laughs as he walks under it.
How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
Pedophiles are like tortoises, they both want to get there before the hair.
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot.
A chicken and an egg were in bed together when the egg turned to the chicken and said, “Well, that answers that question…”
Cunnilingus is a bit of a mouthful
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: ‘that’s a little condescending’
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #283 on: April 04, 2017, 07:40:53 PM »

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to  the balcony."

 "So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"

"Well", said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

 "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
 
 "I know, I know, my son, but the flashing neon sign 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' really has to go."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #284 on: April 10, 2017, 10:54:15 AM »

 
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.
 
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
 
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
 
"We're getting granite counter tops.....
 
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #285 on: April 10, 2017, 11:55:32 AM »

 
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.
 
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
 
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
 
"We're getting granite counter tops.....



Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries

Offline bungie4

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #286 on: April 10, 2017, 03:49:47 PM »
http://youtu.be/PkC9eyV8_eM


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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #287 on: April 12, 2017, 11:29:59 PM »
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit  will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #288 on: April 13, 2017, 01:01:22 PM »
Pregnancy & Walking on the Grass

The  room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. 

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is  especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.  Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces,  like a grass path."

"Gentlemen,  remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with  her.  In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room  suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few  moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #289 on: April 17, 2017, 09:25:44 AM »
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see, Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see, Size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #290 on: April 19, 2017, 07:52:44 PM »
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?" her mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #291 on: May 06, 2017, 09:25:47 PM »
Husband takes his wife to her high school reunion.
 
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
 
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
 
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 20 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
 
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating."
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #292 on: May 08, 2017, 03:18:08 AM »
how may perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?






one - but it takes an expert medical team to remove it afterwards.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #293 on: May 15, 2017, 07:44:28 PM »
A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband stalking about with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing", she asked.
"Hunting flies", he said.
"Oh, killing any"?
"Yep, three males, and two females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart"?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the 'phone".
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #294 on: May 22, 2017, 02:50:48 PM »
What do you call the half-man, half-horse who wants everyone to notice him?





The centaur of attention!
I used to make a bigger impression.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #295 on: May 23, 2017, 09:45:31 AM »
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?





Because the P is silent!  8)
I used to make a bigger impression.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #296 on: May 28, 2017, 10:49:46 AM »
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline xsrider

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #297 on: May 28, 2017, 12:23:26 PM »
Famous Quotes on Sex
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
 
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
 
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)     

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
 
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
 
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers


Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
 
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips
 
 
IBA #14938
Stay healthy, my friend.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #298 on: May 28, 2017, 05:28:53 PM »
I'm not sure that belongs in the 'bad joke' thread.  Most of em are pretty good!!

But, the last one, is from Emo Phillips, not "Elmo".
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #299 on: May 28, 2017, 09:42:05 PM »
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

^All the requirements of a great joke.  :rolf:
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Let's do some science.