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Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 84984 times)

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Offline Cookie

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #200 on: February 20, 2016, 03:07:16 PM »
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.

I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:

Plus he misspelled "ant" so it took a sec.

Carl

Bah.

Blah blah blah.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #201 on: February 20, 2016, 03:27:10 PM »
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.


I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:


Plus he misspelled "ant" so it took a sec.

Carl


Bah.


Blah blah blah.

"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #202 on: February 20, 2016, 03:54:48 PM »
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #203 on: February 20, 2016, 04:13:22 PM »
“Government is the Entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.”

― Frank Zappa

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #204 on: February 20, 2016, 04:22:48 PM »
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I gotta admit. He's in my top 5 of greatest actors. Still.
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #205 on: February 20, 2016, 05:42:48 PM »
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I gotta admit. He's in my top 5 of greatest actors. Still.


Oh hell yeah.

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“Government is the Entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.”

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #206 on: February 22, 2016, 02:32:16 PM »
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #207 on: February 28, 2016, 05:49:53 PM »
One Monday morning the mailman was driving through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.  As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.


His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine, and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.


'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night, the mailman commented.


David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from the neighbourhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Mailman thought for a moment and said, How do you play WHO AM I?'

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The mailman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #208 on: February 28, 2016, 06:43:29 PM »
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I gotta admit. He's in my top 5 of greatest actors. Still.

Shatner?

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #209 on: February 28, 2016, 08:07:49 PM »
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #210 on: March 22, 2016, 04:39:44 PM »
A spaceship lands in the middle of the desert near a closed gas station.  Two aliens walk out and approach the gas pump.

First alien addresses the gas pump, "Greeting, earthling.  We have traveled very far to meet your leaders.  Please inform them of our arrival."
When the gas pump doesn't reply, he repeats more forcefully, "Earthling, please take us to your leader."
Silence.
Agitated, the alien pulls out a ray gun and points it at the pump, "Take us to your leader or I will destroy you!"
The second alien becomes alarmed and reaches to stop the first alien from shooting, but it is too late.

The first alien shoots and the massive explosion throws the two aliens far into the desert.

Sitting up, the first alien decries, "What a powerful being! How did you know not to shoot?"

The second alien replies, "After all my travels in space, I came to realize never to mess with any species that can wrap its own penis around its body twice and stick it in its own ear."
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #211 on: March 22, 2016, 04:43:16 PM »
Shamelessly stolen:

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired PWC Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #212 on: March 25, 2016, 02:39:05 PM »

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare line.
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #213 on: April 09, 2016, 06:05:12 AM »
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
 
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to
see him in person."
 
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
 

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his
carry-on bag and began penciling in  the answers.
 
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords.
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He'd ask me for assistance."
   
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that
ends in 'unt'?" 

The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their
seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
 
The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself,
thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark
clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
 
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness,
  "l believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word 'aunt'"
       
"Of course!" the Pope declared, "Do you have an eraser?"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #214 on: April 09, 2016, 08:48:55 AM »
If the apocalypse doesn’t happen tomorrow, don’t worry. It’s not the end of the world.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #215 on: April 13, 2016, 05:22:18 AM »
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to ear is going to help me.
''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
 
"1"

"2"
 
"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia , Missouri, West Virginia, and  all of Washington DC.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #216 on: May 17, 2016, 02:15:33 PM »
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #217 on: May 17, 2016, 02:15:56 PM »
After my recent Prostate exam at the clinic - which was one of the most thorough and intimate examinations I've ever had the Doctor left and the nurse came in.


As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....



She said...."Who was that  guy ? "
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #218 on: May 17, 2016, 02:21:54 PM »
A group of guys, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Tunbridge Wells because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Tunbridge Wells because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.


Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Tunbridge Wells because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.


Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Tunbridge Wells because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.


Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Tunbridge Wells because they had never been there before.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #219 on: May 17, 2016, 02:46:32 PM »
Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #220 on: May 17, 2016, 03:03:25 PM »
Old, I know.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,”This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw – you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #221 on: May 17, 2016, 04:01:35 PM »
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

True story:

I worked with a guy some years ago and we were talking in the kitchen one day about where we grew up. He spent his youth in Oaxaca and asked me where my hometown was.
"Yakima," I said. He became very enthusiastic and volleyed back "I've been to Jakima, I went to Yale there!"
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

"I like the beverages."  -CLAY

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #222 on: May 20, 2016, 10:41:15 AM »
News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’
He needs a calmer chameleon.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #223 on: May 21, 2016, 07:06:30 AM »
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A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #224 on: August 21, 2016, 02:43:45 PM »
Read in the paper yesterday about a man who was both a paedophile and a racist.

Well, at least some of the children are safe.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #225 on: August 23, 2016, 02:28:23 PM »
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1."My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham

2."Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell

3."I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson

4."Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith

5."I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan 

6."Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson

7."I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney 

8."Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff 

9."Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath

10."Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes 

11."Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
 
12."I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift

13."Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith 

14."I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons 

15."Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #226 on: August 25, 2016, 05:57:44 AM »
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
 The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
 The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
 The next day grandpa died.  The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
 A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
 The next day the grandmother died.
 "Holy shit!"  thought the father, "This kid is in contact with the other side."
 Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
 He practically went into shock.  He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
 He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.  He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.  Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
 When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late.  What's the matter?"
 He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
 She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.  This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #227 on: August 26, 2016, 12:01:56 AM »
(Sign seen outside pub) "Technically, Alcohol IS a Solution"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #228 on: September 04, 2016, 08:13:14 AM »
A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the
sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped. Long seconds dragged
on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't
there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd
stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80’s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years
now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue , and every night I'm hearing their services.

I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the
injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a
solemn voice:

B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 ..... O-72
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #229 on: September 16, 2016, 12:19:09 PM »
 A Touching Golf Story .....
 
Ray stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.
 
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
 
Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'
 
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'
 
His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here'.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #230 on: September 19, 2016, 07:03:15 PM »
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandma, but I’m glad I came.”
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #231 on: September 28, 2016, 03:05:02 PM »
A guy with a gun walks into a bar, 
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife" he snarls 
A voice was heard in the background 
"You don't have enough bullets mate "
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #232 on: September 30, 2016, 12:58:48 PM »
How is airline pilot 'Sully' Sullenburger NOT like a christmas song?


He went over the woods and through the river
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #233 on: October 08, 2016, 03:36:06 AM »
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"

Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #234 on: October 09, 2016, 09:47:13 PM »
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"

Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Well  done    :smiley_thumb:

It's a low water time for the USA
Freedom without regulations that protect the general good is nothing less than anarchy by the rich.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #235 on: October 10, 2016, 01:31:51 PM »
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
 
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5pm. Her name is Louise. She will be the one in the white dress.
 
Let me know!
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #236 on: October 10, 2016, 02:13:32 PM »
 :rolf: :rolf: :rolf:
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #237 on: October 13, 2016, 01:50:37 PM »
A man tells his mate : "I'm worried I've got a green ring around my dick"
"No problem says his friend, I had a red ring around mine, went to see this doctor and he cured it.
Off he went to see the doc, shows him his dick, Doctor shakes his head and says sorry sir, we'll have to amputate . Whaaatt? Says the man aghast, you manage to cure a similar issue of a a friend of mine.
"Sir, red lip stick is one thing, gangrene is a whole lot different"
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #238 on: October 17, 2016, 12:17:53 PM »
You know something, Donald Trump's idea about building a big wall might just work.


The Chinese built one years ago. Hardly any Mexicans there.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #239 on: October 17, 2016, 07:51:55 PM »
So, Hillary Clinton could be the first f president.



Sorry, the "emale" was deleted.  (told by one of my students today...)
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #240 on: October 18, 2016, 03:12:14 PM »
So, Hillary Clinton could be the first f president.



Sorry, the "emale" was deleted.  (told by one of my students today...)

good, very good.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #241 on: October 26, 2016, 12:39:23 AM »
You know something, Donald Trump's idea about building a big wall might just work.

The Chinese built one years ago. Hardly any Mexicans there.

Papa for the win....!!!

 ;D
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #242 on: October 30, 2016, 04:59:26 PM »
if the dog barks, it's undercooked.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #243 on: December 21, 2016, 04:27:25 PM »
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now " she insisted.

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.

I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."

After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for awhile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess".
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #244 on: December 22, 2016, 05:49:56 PM »
 A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

They carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #245 on: December 28, 2016, 09:53:06 PM »
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the
other to Florida.  They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and
play golf.

At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight
shorts, and the legs ..."
"OK."

Ten years later at age 40 they play.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody
has a little action on the games."
"OK."

Ten years later at age 50 they play
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 60 they play
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price."
"OK"

At age 70 they play
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."

At age 80 they play
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before."
"OK"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #246 on: January 03, 2017, 02:07:41 PM »
Just when you thought 2016 couldn't get any worse. Wham.
If a person's primary concern is increasing freedom, they should prepare for a reduction in average lifespan.  ---  Misanthropist

If you say "Gullible" real slow, it sounds like "Orange"

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #247 on: January 03, 2017, 03:24:45 PM »
Just when you thought 2016 couldn't get any worse. Wham.

icwutudidthar.
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choo choo mf'r.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #248 on: January 03, 2017, 05:03:21 PM »
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #249 on: January 11, 2017, 01:51:53 PM »
 I was standing at the bar one night minding my own
business.  This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and
said, "You're kind'a cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran