Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 85064 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline mr.awesome

  • Member
  • Location: Metamora, MI
  • Posts: 1589
  • Motorcycles: 04 Triumph Sprint ST, 03 Kawazuki KLX400SR-SM, 99 Yamaha TW200
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #150 on: August 08, 2015, 08:41:34 AM »
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'



Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?


along the same lines.

visitors can't see pics , please register or login

Online miles

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location:
  • Posts: 3122
  • Motorcycles: Two of them
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #151 on: August 21, 2015, 11:42:56 PM »
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries

Online miles

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location:
  • Posts: 3122
  • Motorcycles: Two of them
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #152 on: August 21, 2015, 11:44:29 PM »
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries

Offline fourstring

  • Member
  • Location: Chicago
  • Posts: 522
  • Motorcycles: Versys 650 LT
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #153 on: August 22, 2015, 06:51:57 AM »

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

I don't know why, but I can't stop laughing at this.
For all the people that reside there, the center of the universe must be awfully crowded.

Offline olderigetfasteriam

  • Member
  • Location: Mesa, AZ
  • Posts: 205
  • Motorcycles: Concours, VTR250, AT125
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #154 on: August 24, 2015, 07:27:10 PM »

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Offline bedlamite

  • Member
  • Location: WI
  • Posts: 1101
  • Hold my beer and watch this!
  • Motorcycles: 03 SV1000s, 08 ZG1400
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #155 on: August 26, 2015, 03:42:14 PM »
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #156 on: August 31, 2015, 10:28:33 AM »
I had to go up in the loft to get the Christmas decorations out, and I found a present I forgot to give the wife last year.















It's a shame, she would have loved that kitten.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #157 on: August 31, 2015, 10:32:01 AM »
A group of American tourists go in to a pub in Ireland.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers, I bet 5,000 euros that no one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."

"Grand" replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #158 on: September 04, 2015, 03:17:44 AM »
My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son  with a jigsaw to keep him amused.

Imagine our surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline CLAY

  • Super Moderator
  • Member
  • Location: Grand Rapids, MI
  • Posts: 6965
  • Help me Mr. Wizard!!!
  • Motorcycles: '03 Bandit 1200S, '97 XR650L, '79 XS650 Tracker, '75 XS650 Standard
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #159 on: September 04, 2015, 04:51:40 PM »
My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son  with a jigsaw to keep him amused.

Imagine our surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.

I'm out.
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #160 on: September 12, 2015, 10:07:11 AM »
Why do sealions swim in salt water?









Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline CLAY

  • Super Moderator
  • Member
  • Location: Grand Rapids, MI
  • Posts: 6965
  • Help me Mr. Wizard!!!
  • Motorcycles: '03 Bandit 1200S, '97 XR650L, '79 XS650 Tracker, '75 XS650 Standard
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #161 on: September 12, 2015, 07:47:14 PM »
Kittens 'n cocks?  Is it wrong I laughed my ass off?
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

Offline Cookie

  • Super Moderator
  • Member
  • Location: Most of the time I'm not 100% sure.
  • Posts: 14318
  • Tacos are life.
  • Motorcycles: '16 MG Audace, '10 Ural T, '20 Royal Enfield Interceptor 650, 1996 HD Road King '06 KLR 650!
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #162 on: September 12, 2015, 07:54:18 PM »
Kittens 'n cocks?  Is it wrong I laughed my ass off?

Whatever are you talking about?
“Government is the Entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.”

― Frank Zappa

Offline CLAY

  • Super Moderator
  • Member
  • Location: Grand Rapids, MI
  • Posts: 6965
  • Help me Mr. Wizard!!!
  • Motorcycles: '03 Bandit 1200S, '97 XR650L, '79 XS650 Tracker, '75 XS650 Standard
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #163 on: September 12, 2015, 08:39:59 PM »
Kittens 'n cocks?  Is it wrong I laughed my ass off?

Whatever are you talking about?
+

 :bigok:  Vrious barnyard animals. 
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

Online coho

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Pacific NorthWet
  • Posts: 5027
  • Probably not wearing pants.
  • Motorcycles: R1100RT (Gentleman's Express) - StFU200 (The Dumbbike) - Guzzi V7II (Tiny Musclecar)
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #164 on: September 12, 2015, 09:41:55 PM »
Kittens 'n cocks?  Is it wrong I laughed my ass off?

Whatever are you talking about?
+

 :bigok:  Vrious barnyard animals.

Made me think of this.
visitors can't see pics , please register or login


:snork:
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

"I like the beverages."  -CLAY

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #165 on: October 12, 2015, 10:53:29 AM »
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're  looking good! How are they treating you?'   
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew: 'The bastards won't let me fart!"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #166 on: November 03, 2015, 05:32:18 AM »
A 65 year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Stevie, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Stevie replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Stevie’s wife. "Julie" he says, "Stevie is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?" 

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Julie exclaims, "He's
pissing in the fridge again!"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline stew71

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Sacramento, CA.
  • Posts: 1673
  • Hey...don't act like you're not impressed.
  • Motorcycles: 2007 Triumph Tiger
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #167 on: November 18, 2015, 04:35:20 PM »
Two 90-year-old men, Phil and Joe, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Phil was dying, Joe visited him every day.
One day Joe said, "Phil, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Phil looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, "Joe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Phil died.
A few nights later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Joe, Joe ."
"Who is it," asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Joe -- it's me, Phil"
 "You're not Phil . Phil just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Phil," insisted the voice.
"Phil Where are you?"
"In heaven," replied Phil. "I have some really good        news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Joe.
"The good news," Phil said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we'reall young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and itnever rains or snows. And best of all, we can play ball all we want, and we never get tired." And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.
"That's fantastic," said Joe "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #168 on: November 20, 2015, 02:29:09 PM »
A man walks into a drug store with his ten-year-old son.  They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.  Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.  Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

The boy looks over the display, picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."

"Cool," says the boy.  Then he notices a six-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for university students," the dad answers, “two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

"WOW!" exclaims the boy.  "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a twelve-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, "Those are for married men… one for January, one for February, one for March...”
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #169 on: December 01, 2015, 04:32:57 PM »
We were kissing and cuddling, Me and my girlfriend, who was babysitting at a friend's house.

"Can you go and check upstairs, I don't think the baby monitor is working. " Said my girlfriend,

So I went upstairs, "Can you hear me, " I called through the monitor,

"Yes. " She answered.

"It is working then, " I replied, "what do you want me to do with the dead baby?"
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #170 on: December 01, 2015, 04:37:57 PM »
I think it's time a serious message is sent out to ISIS and every other terrorist group throughout the world.

Justin Bieber has a gig on Thursday, December 19 at the Toyota Center, Houston, Texas, US.


Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline MrsCablebandit

  • Member
  • Location: Stormstown, PA
  • Posts: 938
  • Purveyor of Cookies.org
    • Pineapple Ponderings
  • Motorcycles: '10 C14 Passenger
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #171 on: December 01, 2015, 09:23:35 PM »
Why don't Santa and Mrs. Claus have any kids?!?



Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it's down a chimney!
I used to make a bigger impression.

http://pineappleponderings.blogspot.com/ - Ride reports and other musings.

Offline thatguy

  • Member
  • Location: hills
  • Posts: 1113
  • Motorcycles: a few
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #172 on: December 01, 2015, 10:34:42 PM »
What's the best thing about getting oral sex?



























5 minutes of peace and quiet.
sometimes WTF is the appropriate answer

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #173 on: December 04, 2015, 05:15:58 PM »
5 minutes of peace and quiet.
5 minutes??
 :hail:



A little Scottish humour:
Please excuse my poor broagh being not nearly thick enough....


A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her
husband's temper and threatening manner.
 
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
 
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do.
Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
 
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water
and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
 
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. 
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
 
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
 
The Doctor says: "Janet m'dear, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #174 on: December 08, 2015, 05:09:19 PM »
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. 

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
 

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.' 

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline stew71

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Sacramento, CA.
  • Posts: 1673
  • Hey...don't act like you're not impressed.
  • Motorcycles: 2007 Triumph Tiger
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #175 on: December 11, 2015, 04:59:16 PM »
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and
as they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cell.
 
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do"
 
He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about
10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?

I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I
would get it for you? "
 
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.
 
" Well I am in the bar next to that."
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #176 on: December 11, 2015, 05:01:41 PM »
 :rolf:
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #177 on: December 12, 2015, 04:54:41 PM »
Blonde Cookbook

Monday - It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me the extra bowls.

Tuesday - He wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday - A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday - Today he asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday - I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
 
 
Saturday - He did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason he keeps counting to ten.
 
Sunday - I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius..I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe. If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #178 on: December 13, 2015, 05:45:10 AM »
After a few too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"
A chap called Bill notices  green lumps on his willy.    
So off he goes to the doctor.
 
The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and Rugby players get cauliflower ears?"
 
"Yes" says Bill, nodding seriously.
 
"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #179 on: December 14, 2015, 12:52:24 PM »
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"  Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, Sir.  I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me.  Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.  They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #180 on: December 14, 2015, 04:12:55 PM »
Well, that's definitely the last time I ever go shopping with my wife.
















We were on our way home from the store this morning and she dropped down dead.


Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #181 on: December 14, 2015, 04:19:27 PM »
New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15

Tub of Vaseline: £3

XL Box of Tissues: £2

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless


Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline stew71

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Sacramento, CA.
  • Posts: 1673
  • Hey...don't act like you're not impressed.
  • Motorcycles: 2007 Triumph Tiger
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #182 on: December 30, 2015, 01:31:08 PM »
A cowboy walks into a pharmacy.

Cowboy to Pharmacist: " Gimme 3 packets of prophylactics, please. "

Pharmacist to Cowboy: " Would you like a paper bag with those, sir ? "

Cowboy to Pharmacist: "Nah, she's purty good lookin' "
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #183 on: January 02, 2016, 06:51:03 PM »
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please".

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
 
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
 
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
 
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
 
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."
 
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something; but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
 
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
 
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
 
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #184 on: January 06, 2016, 02:48:22 PM »
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted Cart.

"John, she said, (loose breasts undulating beneath her white terry robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on, now " Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed and thought to myself, "but my wife won't like it."

After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #185 on: January 09, 2016, 09:38:36 AM »
The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.

She's got a point, I suppose...


I work in a hammer factory.

Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #186 on: January 09, 2016, 09:40:16 AM »
My Welsh neighbour's got his girlfriend mowing the lawn.

She's done the backyard and now he's dragging her out the front to eat the rest.

Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online miles

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location:
  • Posts: 3122
  • Motorcycles: Two of them
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #187 on: January 29, 2016, 11:41:47 PM »
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and
asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #188 on: January 30, 2016, 09:33:40 AM »
"Always give your food a rinse before you eat it," my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #189 on: February 06, 2016, 05:59:10 AM »
well, my girlfriend took me home to meet her parents yesterday.















Like I've never met Mum and Dad before.  :rolleyes:
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #190 on: February 06, 2016, 11:23:56 AM »
A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
  "Yes we do," he  answered.

   She asked, "Does it  work?"

  "Yes it does," he  answered.
  She said, "Can you get it over the  counter?"
  "I can, if I take two," he replied.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline Cookie

  • Super Moderator
  • Member
  • Location: Most of the time I'm not 100% sure.
  • Posts: 14318
  • Tacos are life.
  • Motorcycles: '16 MG Audace, '10 Ural T, '20 Royal Enfield Interceptor 650, 1996 HD Road King '06 KLR 650!
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #191 on: February 10, 2016, 10:58:22 AM »
Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
“Government is the Entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.”

― Frank Zappa

Offline kneescrubber

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Neither here nor there
  • Posts: 10479
  • Nothing beats good line of sight
  • Motorcycles: 1999 VFR
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #192 on: February 10, 2016, 06:03:12 PM »
 :hail:
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Online Flyer

  • Member
  • Location: On the brink of the abyss.
  • Posts: 8548
  • Motorcycles: Ducati MTS1200ST. Cycles: Masi 3V/C.Record, Colnago C50/C.Record, Kona J.T.S./105.,Kona NuNu
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #193 on: February 13, 2016, 09:52:24 AM »
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans.   Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you,
so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
 The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'
 Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the pilot,
'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'  The
pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
 Next, it's the priest's turn.   He stands erect and booms out, 'I am
Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
 Saint Peter consults his list.   He says to the priest, 'Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
 'Just a minute,' says the good father.    'That man was a pilot and he
gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.    How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.    'When you preached -
people slept.    When he flew, people prayed.'
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #194 on: February 20, 2016, 05:40:06 AM »
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline Cookie

  • Super Moderator
  • Member
  • Location: Most of the time I'm not 100% sure.
  • Posts: 14318
  • Tacos are life.
  • Motorcycles: '16 MG Audace, '10 Ural T, '20 Royal Enfield Interceptor 650, 1996 HD Road King '06 KLR 650!
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #195 on: February 20, 2016, 05:56:23 AM »
Oh dear.
“Government is the Entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.”

― Frank Zappa

Offline CLAY

  • Super Moderator
  • Member
  • Location: Grand Rapids, MI
  • Posts: 6965
  • Help me Mr. Wizard!!!
  • Motorcycles: '03 Bandit 1200S, '97 XR650L, '79 XS650 Tracker, '75 XS650 Standard
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #196 on: February 20, 2016, 07:22:21 AM »
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.

I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #197 on: February 20, 2016, 10:11:29 AM »
I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more.

They're too complicated for women.


 :couch:
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline I'm NOT Carl

  • Member
  • Location: Nederland, CO
  • Posts: 2357
  • Weirdo Freak
  • Motorcycles: 2013 Kawasaki Concours, 2002 Suzuki Hayabusa, 1989 Honda Transalp
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #198 on: February 20, 2016, 11:38:26 AM »
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.

I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:

Plus he misspelled "ant" so it took a sec.

Carl
visitors can't see pics , please register or login
 No matter where you go, there you are.

Online Papa Lazarou

  • Contributor
  • Member
  • Location: Lloegr
  • Posts: 7640
  • For further information, please re-read.
  • Motorcycles: Moto Guzzi Griso 1200SE Diablo Rosso
Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #199 on: February 20, 2016, 03:04:40 PM »
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.

I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:

Plus he misspelled "ant" so it took a sec.

Carl

Bah.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter