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Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 85479 times)

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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #100 on: February 06, 2015, 05:14:47 AM »
2 cows standing in a field, one says, 'have you heard about this mad cow's disease?'


Other one says,'won't effect me, I'm a squirrel.'
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #101 on: February 12, 2015, 10:28:42 AM »

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand along Highway 11-17 near Thunder Bay, Ontario early one cold December morning.
Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs The buck was magnificent..... a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.
Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 11-17.
The hunter pulled away from the gun stock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years!"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #102 on: February 22, 2015, 11:26:44 AM »
Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred .'
Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. ' Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Fred .
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
" Fred , wake up! You've shit the bed!"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #103 on: February 26, 2015, 04:49:34 PM »
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh...no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited.

"Well, go look in the garage," she said.

"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline fatiredflyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #104 on: February 27, 2015, 12:51:11 PM »
Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie,           
and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...
Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."
Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Nebraska, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his willie...


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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #105 on: March 21, 2015, 03:23:34 PM »
Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper asks him : "Do you know how fast you were going?" And Heisenberg says : "No, but I know where I am!"

The trooper tells him: "You were going 80 miles per hour!" And Heisenberg replies: "Great! Now I'm lost!"
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

"I like the beverages."  -CLAY

Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #106 on: April 05, 2015, 09:58:52 AM »
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.
May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?

Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #107 on: April 05, 2015, 09:59:34 AM »
Someone stole my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about that.
May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?

Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #108 on: April 05, 2015, 10:00:15 AM »
I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.
May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?

Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #109 on: April 05, 2015, 10:01:41 AM »
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.
May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?

Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #110 on: April 05, 2015, 10:04:22 AM »
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.


Poor bastard.
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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #111 on: April 05, 2015, 12:36:42 PM »
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

 :rolf:
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline fatiredflyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #112 on: April 06, 2015, 02:09:14 PM »
 
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his home town and then left for Manhattan, NY.  Soon he was invited to give a speech in his home town.  As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted and the microphone amplified it throughout the room.

He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper.  As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others.  I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"



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Offline fatiredflyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #113 on: April 10, 2015, 10:00:17 AM »
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
 
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. "You will all be completely hypnotized and under my control.
 
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
 
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see."It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" he said.
 
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the Watch"
 
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
 
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
 
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
 
They were totally hypnotized.
 
And then, suddenly, the watch chain broke!!!
 
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
 
"S H I T"  said Claude.
 
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre ....And Claude was never invited there again!
 


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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #114 on: April 10, 2015, 02:37:59 PM »
 :rolf: to Dr Epstein.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #115 on: April 16, 2015, 05:30:45 AM »
So you are a better informed ST.Oner:

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline Max Wedge

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #116 on: April 17, 2015, 09:25:37 AM »
 An engineer could not find a job, so he opens a medical clinic, and puts a sign outside that says,

"Get treatment for $50, if not cured get back $100."
 
 A local doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to show up the engineer and earn a quick $100, so he visits the clinic.
Patient (doctor): I have lost my sense of taste.
Engineer: Nurse, bring the medicine from box No 22 and place 3 drops in the patient's mouth.
Patient (doctor): Spits out the medicine and says "Hey!! This is not medicine, it's gasoline."
Engineer: Congratulations! .. you're cured! You have your taste back ....that will be $50.
Doctor gets annoyed at losing to the Engineer, and so he returns after several days determined to recover his money.
Doctor : I seem to have lost my memory and I can't remember a thing.
Engineer : Nurse, bring the medicine from box No 22 and put 3 drops In the patient's mouth.
Doctor: "But that medicine is for the sense of taste!!"
Engineer : "Congratulations! Your memory is back ..that'll be $50!"
The Doctor leaves again, but after several days angrily returns for one last try, and more determined than ever to recover his money.
Engineer: "So what seems to be the problem?"
Doctor : "My eyesight has suddenly become very weak".
Engineer : "Well, seems I don't have any medicine for that. Here, take this $100 and go."
Doctor : ...."But this is only a $10 bill!!"
Engineer : "Congratulations, your eyesight has gotten a lot better!! ....That will be $50.
 
 
 
 
You never see a motorcycle parked outside a psychiatrists' office.
Where am I?

Offline fatiredflyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #117 on: April 22, 2015, 09:27:06 AM »
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,  "Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"


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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #118 on: April 22, 2015, 12:42:41 PM »
 :rolf:
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline stevent

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #119 on: April 25, 2015, 03:23:27 PM »
A Polish fellow went to get a drivers liscense one day, after filling out the forms he was told he needed an eye test.

He made an appointment and two months later arrived for the eye exam. The Optomatrist had him sit in the chair and fiddled around with the instrument until a line of letters popped up on the screen,
             

                                                               C Z R Y W S I C I N K I W


Can you read that? asked the Doctor.. Read it? the patient replied, that's my cousin!
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

Online Leanintree

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #120 on: April 27, 2015, 03:12:53 PM »
(I can't help it...)


What does a Polish bride get after her wedding that's long, hard and a real mouthful?

A new last name!

LT
Great googly-moogly!

Online PatM

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #121 on: April 28, 2015, 08:32:57 AM »
A recent study shows that Canadians walk about 900 miles per day. Year.
Another study shows that Canadians, on average, drink 22 gal of beer per year.

This means that on average, Canadians get 41 miles to the gallon.  :bigok:

From a proud Canadian!
« Last Edit: April 28, 2015, 01:48:13 PM by PatM »
Ride safe!

Offline fatiredflyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #122 on: April 28, 2015, 08:37:53 AM »
Yea!
I'm better than average!!


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Offline Slartibartfast

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #123 on: April 28, 2015, 09:13:58 AM »

A recent study shows that Canadians walk about 900 miles per day.

! Must be those folks farther north than me. How much do they spend on shoes?!
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Online bungie4

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #124 on: April 28, 2015, 11:50:14 AM »
Woohoo! I'm worse than average!

Then again, I don't walk very much... to much snow most of the year.
-Steve
SnowMexican
WWPD
choo choo mf'r.

Online PatM

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #125 on: April 28, 2015, 01:50:32 PM »

A recent study shows that Canadians walk about 900 miles per day.

! Must be those folks farther north than me. How much do they spend on shoes?!

Tis what happens when you write before your second cup.  :redface:

Year   ;)
Ride safe!

Offline Slartibartfast

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #126 on: April 28, 2015, 01:52:25 PM »


A recent study shows that Canadians walk about 900 miles per day.

! Must be those folks farther north than me. How much do they spend on shoes?!

Tis what happens when you write before your second cup.  :redface:

Year   ;)

Yar. It's nice to see I'm not the only one who needs a half gallon to get right. :lol:
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Offline fatiredflyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #127 on: May 06, 2015, 09:32:54 AM »
A rancher from Alberta, hauling his horse in a trailer to a rodeo, gets pulled over by an RCMP officer in Falkland BC for speeding.
The officer started to lecture the rancher about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the rancher feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were persistently buzzing around his head.
The rancher says, "Y'all havin' a problem with them circle flies?"
 
The officer stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the rancher replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The officer says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the rancher replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the officer says and goes back to writing the ticket.
 
After a long pause, the rancher, in his most polite voice says, "Hard to fool them flies though"


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Offline stevent

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #128 on: May 06, 2015, 02:22:05 PM »
I went to see the worlds worse faith healer the other night.

He was so bad a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out...
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

Offline fatiredflyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #129 on: May 07, 2015, 08:34:42 PM »
A  Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.


The first batter approaches the batters' box,  takes  a few swings and then hits a double.

Everyone is on  their feet  screaming "Run!!!"

The next batter hits a single.

The Scotsman listens as the crowd  again cheers  "RUN!! RUN!!".

The Scotsman is enjoying the game  and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and  four balls go  by,

The Umpire calls:  "Walk."

The batter starts his slow trot to  first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye  lazy bastard, run!"

The people around him begin  laughing.

Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes the man's  embarrassment, leans over and explains, “He can't run
-- he has four  balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk  with pride, Laddie!"


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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #130 on: May 16, 2015, 05:16:59 AM »
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through
a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.
 
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic
striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a
torn and frayed plaid shirt.
 
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal
his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the
T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of
hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the
world're ya’ doing, Billy Bob?"

"Tarnation, Cletus, ya’ scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor."

Bad enough?
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

Offline Scratch

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #131 on: May 16, 2015, 06:40:47 AM »
^groan.

Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #132 on: May 17, 2015, 09:53:00 AM »
A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "You'll have to leave, we don't serve food here."
May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?

Offline fatiredflyer

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #133 on: May 26, 2015, 10:41:33 PM »
 
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
 
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.
 
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
 
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
 
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.  It was you, wasn't it son?"
 
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
 
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."



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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #134 on: June 02, 2015, 06:15:30 AM »
The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.
 
When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located.
 
I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
 
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
 
I said, "Yes!  Could you please taste this for me?”
 
Being I'm a senior  citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.
 
He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.
 
Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
 
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”
 
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL  NO!!!”
 
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's such a relief!  My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!”
 
Well, I can never go back to that pharmacy, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway.
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #135 on: June 04, 2015, 08:09:01 PM »
An angry guy returns to the doctor with a jar of suppositories the doctor gave him on his last visit.
"Doc, my hemorrhoids still hurt like hell! This medicine you gave me, for all the good it did, I could have shoved them up my ass!
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #136 on: June 08, 2015, 12:55:20 PM »
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his ACA physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

"The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied,

"Yep, none of us could get the jar open..."
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #137 on: June 10, 2015, 01:26:41 PM »
I was killing time at the bar at the airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
 
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"
 
He says. "No, why the hell you ask me that?  Is it because I am Chinese?"
 
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #138 on: June 10, 2015, 04:29:38 PM »
This is my step ladder.

visitors can't see pics , please register or login


I never knew my real ladder...
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #139 on: June 15, 2015, 05:29:03 AM »
An English tourist was driving through the Outback of Australia when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.
A few kilometres further on he came upon a small Outback town, so he parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.
He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar. He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table, masturbating without a care in the world.
The English tourist turned to the bartender and said, “What sort of country is this? A few kilometers back down the road there was this guy having sex with a kangaroo and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone."
The bartender said, "You heartless bastard. He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #140 on: June 19, 2015, 12:48:57 PM »
I was out riding and came up behind a car with a bumper sticker that says "Watch for motorcycles".
I thought about it a bit as I rode along and came to the conclusion that there's only one appropriate response to that...
I pulled up to his open window at the next stop light, flipped up my modular helmet and said to him "Lemme see the watch."
Life is made up of moments, small pieces of glittering mica in a long stretch of gray cement. We have to teach ourselves how to make room for them, to love them, and to live, really live. - Anna Quindlen

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #141 on: June 25, 2015, 02:19:31 PM »
A man is walking nervously home in Belfast one night. Then his fears become reality.

Near the Falls Road, a burley arm comes around his neck and he feels a knife at his throat. A voice says, "Protestant or Catholic".

Overwhelmed with relief, the man says, "Jewish".

The voice the says, "I must be the luckiest Arab in Ulster...."
« Last Edit: June 25, 2015, 11:54:01 PM by Papa Lazarou »
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #142 on: July 21, 2015, 05:13:09 AM »
A Positive Attitude:


Late in the night, he finally regained
consciousness.
He was in the hospital, agonizing in pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth,
needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires
monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He
realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight
into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating
each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist
down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel
your boobs, then?"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison”
“His gaze was stern, unyielding, like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic” - Dylan Moran

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #143 on: July 21, 2015, 06:16:56 AM »
My small grandson got lost at the mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked. "What's his name?"
"Grandpa" he said.
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke thought for moment then replied, "Crown Royal Whiskey and women with big tits."
You never see a motorcycle parked outside a psychiatrists' office.
Where am I?

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #144 on: July 22, 2015, 09:53:51 AM »
The Proper way to call someone a Bastard
>
>
>     A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a  second golfer
>     approached and asked if he could join him.
>
>     The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
>
>     They were even after the first few holes.  The second guy said, "We're
>     about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
>
>     The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
>
>     The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.  As they were
>     walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
>
>     He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick
>     on suckers.
>
>     The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
>
>     The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
>
>     The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
>     You keep your winnings."
>
>     The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
>
>     The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
>     And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them."
Sometimes, the only answer is defenestration.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #145 on: August 07, 2015, 03:54:06 AM »
A little old lady calls her neighbour and says:
"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ...
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #146 on: August 08, 2015, 01:53:54 AM »
How do you tell if you're a chav?




When you let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table................... in front of her kids.
« Last Edit: August 08, 2015, 02:28:05 AM by Papa Lazarou »
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #147 on: August 08, 2015, 07:37:57 AM »

A man walks into a bar.

There's a tiny little piano player in the corner, seated at a tiny little piano. He can't be even a foot tall, but he's really rocking - amazing music - jazz, boogie-woogie, ragtime, one great tune after another.

Astounded, the man listens for a few minutes, then says to the barman, "That's incredible! Where on earth did you find him?"

The barman says, "You're never going to believe this, but there's a genie that lives in the storeroom out back. He'll grant one wish."

Intrigued, the man goes through to the storeroom, and sure enough, there's a genie!

"I am the genie!" announces the genie. "What is your wish?"

The man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I'd like world peace!"

There's a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and suddenly the room is filled with geese.

Disappointed, the man returns to the bar, and says to the barman, "You know, I think your genie's a little hard of hearing."

"Tell me about it!" says the barman with a long face. "Do you really think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #148 on: August 08, 2015, 07:39:22 AM »
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a' Whorehouse' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come on in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get
the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease..
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the
prick who ran over my FROG!'
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #149 on: August 08, 2015, 07:48:18 AM »
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'



Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter