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Author Topic: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread  (Read 68952 times)

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Online Papa Lazarou

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Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« on: November 15, 2013, 06:28:20 AM »
As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be bleeding hilarious
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2013, 06:33:23 AM »
I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt.

You just get taller.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline Cablebandit

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2013, 08:22:19 AM »
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2013, 01:31:57 PM »
 :clap:


I left my bike in a car park the other day, when I came back to it, it was on side and some sod had driven over it.

Then I found this note tucked into the fairing.

It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your motorcycle.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.
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Offline Justin

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2013, 01:58:15 PM »
:clap:


I left my bike in a car park the other day, when I came back to it, it was on side and some sod had driven over it.

Then I found this note tucked into the fairing.

It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your motorcycle.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.


:lol:
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Offline Justin

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2013, 02:04:33 PM »
At the end of his sermon the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation wanted to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men in the congregation as the thought of the pain poor Phil must have experienced sank in.

"Phil was hurt so badly that he couldn't even hold me or the kids," Suzie continued. "Every movement caused terrible pain. We prayed when his doctors performed the delicate operation required to repair the extensive damage. Luckily they were able to piece the crushed and broken remnants of Phil's scrotum together and wrap it in wire to hold everything in place."

Again, the male half of the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, cringing at the thought of what Phil went through.

"Today," Suzie announced in a quivering voice, "Thanks to the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital. His doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

A great sigh of relief arose from the pews. The shaken pastor stood and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He looked around the congregation and said, "I'm Phil." The entire assembly held its collective breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
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Offline PatM

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2013, 02:38:28 PM »
.
Ride safe!

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2013, 11:26:04 AM »
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist.
Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between
the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong
he is."
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2013, 02:16:10 PM »
Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around woman:

Man: "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show dem liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'"

"Right, Daddy"
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Offline mxvet57

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2013, 02:44:54 PM »
Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around woman:

Man: "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show dem liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'"

"Right, Daddy"

Did i hear banjo's playing.
At the risk of encouraging him, I agree with Cookie.   "Bomber"

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Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2014, 02:29:40 PM »
I've just invented a new word.




















Plagiarism.
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Offline Justin

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2014, 02:27:51 PM »
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait until Mildred's mother to pass away first.

Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester
that they could not "do it."

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.

Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.

Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the
nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging
there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years.

He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees
the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about
her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says,
"Chester, I have acute angina."

Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got some ugly tits."
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Offline Justin

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2014, 02:35:26 PM »
A blonde took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow....
"Ooh!" Said the presenter, "this is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks." She replied
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Offline Justin

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2014, 02:45:59 PM »
A tourist in Australia was driving through the Australian Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few kilometers further down the road he came upon a small town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The tourist turned to the bartender and said, "What sort of country is this? A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in public."

The bartender said, "You heartless bastard, he's only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"
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Offline Justin

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2014, 02:46:39 PM »
Guy goes into a barber shop. When he tells the barber he wants a really close shave, but has very sensitive skin, and his skin is very wrinkled, the barber says, "No problem. I have just the solution. Take this ball (wooden, about the size of a billiard ball), put it in your mouth, roll it to the side I am shaving, and it will be very close". When the barber is finished, the guy feels his face, and it is the closest shave he has ever had. He told the barber how good it was, then said, "But what if I had swallowed the ball while you were shaving me?" The barber answered, "It is OK; you would have brought it back in a few days, just like everyone does...".
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Offline Justin

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #15 on: February 12, 2014, 02:54:36 PM »
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by
a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had
evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were
only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid
was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started
to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and
friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless
man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They
wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up
my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low,
my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."
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Offline stew71

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #16 on: February 12, 2014, 05:09:21 PM »
So this Irishman walks out of a bar...



With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #17 on: February 24, 2014, 04:23:39 PM »
A man walks into a bar and orders three whiskies. The barman pours one and says, 'Let me know when you want the next.' But the man says, 'No, I’d like all three at once.'The barman pours two more drinks. The man slugs all three, pays and leaves. This goes on every night for a week. Finally, the barman asks the man why he orders three at a time. The man says, 'When I left my home, many miles away, I promised my two brothers that whenever I had a drink, I’d order one for each of them too.' The man returns every night for a year. He and the barman get to know each other very well.

Then, one day, the man orders only two whiskies. This goes on for a couple of weeks, but the barman is afraid to ask if something has happened to one of the brothers. Finally, he summons up the courage to say, 'I noticed you’ve been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything OK with your brothers?' The man looks at the barman, puzzled, then realises what he’s implying. He smiles and says, 'Yes! My brothers are fine, but I’ve given up drink.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

Offline Veefer800canuck

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #18 on: February 24, 2014, 05:43:43 PM »
Hahaha, that's awesome.
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Offline xsrider

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #19 on: July 29, 2014, 11:01:10 AM »

Redneck Man's pick up lines


1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin’ girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8 ) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
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Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #20 on: July 29, 2014, 12:49:37 PM »
"Doctor," said the receptionist over the phone, "there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

 
May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?

Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #21 on: July 29, 2014, 12:50:40 PM »
A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.

As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"
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Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #22 on: July 29, 2014, 12:55:33 PM »
Sandy:  Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.

Doctor: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.

Sandy: I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.
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Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #23 on: July 29, 2014, 12:57:51 PM »
A client comes for his first therapy session. He has a small cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.

"Can you help me figure out what's wrong with me?" he asks the therapist.

The therapist replies, "You're not eating properly."
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Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #24 on: July 29, 2014, 01:05:03 PM »
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation.
One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
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Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #25 on: July 29, 2014, 01:08:15 PM »
Two mental patients were hanging from an apple tree when one suddenly fell to the ground.
The other yelled down, "What's the matter? Are you tired?"
From below came back, "No, ripe!"
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Offline Mac

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #26 on: July 29, 2014, 01:09:22 PM »
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to hold his penis...I mean ladder...I meant to say ladder
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #27 on: July 29, 2014, 01:11:38 PM »
Why do bulemics love KFC?

Because it comes with a bucket!
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #28 on: July 29, 2014, 01:12:55 PM »
How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but he gets six engineering credits for it.
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #29 on: July 29, 2014, 01:13:46 PM »
How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?


None silly, hippies only screw in dirty sleeping bags.
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

Nun sacciu, nun vidi, nun ceru e si ceru durmiv.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #30 on: July 29, 2014, 01:14:43 PM »
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #31 on: July 29, 2014, 01:14:59 PM »
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?


None, the sockets went with the house.
If it weren't for the therapeutic properties of the occasional off-camber decreasing radius downhill right-hander I'd almost certainly go completely sane.

Nun sacciu, nun vidi, nun ceru e si ceru durmiv.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #32 on: July 29, 2014, 01:17:08 PM »
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Offline xsrider

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #33 on: July 29, 2014, 05:46:56 PM »
Marriage advice from children

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
-------------------------------
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-------------------------------------
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
--------------------------------------------------
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
----------------------------------
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
-------------------------------
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
--------------------------------------
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper- changing."
Kirsten, age 10


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #34 on: July 30, 2014, 12:19:14 AM »
Some gems in there.
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Offline stew71

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #35 on: July 30, 2014, 03:37:59 PM »
"HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10 "

So out.  :clap:
With enough thrust, a pig flies just fine.

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #36 on: July 31, 2014, 12:11:02 PM »
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was
sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies that protocol
decrees (gin and tonic with cucumber sandwiches), the retiring colonel said,
"You really must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really
the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned & introduced to the new CO, who was shocked to see a
toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, standing
less than three feet tall.

The retiring Colonel said "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about
yourself."


"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and
won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal
in the middleweight division of the boxing Olympics. I have researched the
history of … "

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the
new CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the
witch doctor a twat!"
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison
"Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow: any deviation has ramifications". - Internal Combustion, explained.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #37 on: August 01, 2014, 08:12:47 AM »
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate. "Hey, b--ch," said the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Holy smokes, you lazy 'wench', where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, tramp," says the man, "Get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry 'rump' - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.
In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.


As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta guts."
For all the people that reside there, the center of the universe must be awfully crowded.

Offline fourstring

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #38 on: August 07, 2014, 08:12:59 AM »
ELECTRICAL THEORY OF SMOKE by Joseph Lucas, "The Prince of Darkness," 1842-1903.

Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke".
Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!
The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward.
Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires.

It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets.

Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.
For all the people that reside there, the center of the universe must be awfully crowded.

Offline fourstring

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #39 on: August 13, 2014, 07:52:29 AM »
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we was friends."
For all the people that reside there, the center of the universe must be awfully crowded.

Online Papa Lazarou

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #40 on: August 17, 2014, 07:37:31 AM »
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies: "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost 500,000 bucks.
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?
"Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-Bbbla...MMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
 
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #41 on: August 17, 2014, 07:44:07 AM »
Stolen.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #42 on: August 17, 2014, 07:45:42 AM »
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #43 on: August 17, 2014, 07:46:11 AM »
I stole it from you numb nutz.
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #44 on: August 17, 2014, 07:46:53 AM »
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #45 on: August 17, 2014, 09:06:22 AM »
Like this?


On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken s pied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks" 
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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #46 on: August 18, 2014, 02:54:23 PM »
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on
Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest
hills I can find at the crack of dawn."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's
still alive... he's a dirt biker."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 117 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #47 on: August 19, 2014, 11:55:07 AM »
A Honda rider, a Ducati rider and a Harley Davidson rider were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze after a long day’s ride. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them, impounding their bikes in the process. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Harley Davidson rider was first in line (he had drunk the most), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Harley Davidson rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Ducati rider was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through. The Ducati rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Honda rider was the last one up (he had drunk the least), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You ride a Honda. You support the greatest motorcycle and car producer in the world. I myself ride a Fireblade and have many Acuras in my fleet. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Honda rider replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes!"

"Not only are you an honorable and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Harley Davidson rider to my back." The Honda rider replied.
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #48 on: August 19, 2014, 12:11:06 PM »
A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian
coast while they were diving. He spends a terrible night wondering what could
have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is
confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad new first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her
wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... Now, what's the really good news?

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around
11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you
fancy comin' with us?"
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter

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Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
« Reply #49 on: August 19, 2014, 01:48:20 PM »
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
Putting the laughter back into manslaughter