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Author Topic: You laugh. You Lose.  (Read 382968 times)

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Offline Andrew

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2350 on: April 02, 2020, 08:38:53 PM »
Dam  ;D ;D

Out
Freedom without regulations that protect the general good is nothing less than anarchy by the rich.

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Online radon222

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2351 on: April 03, 2020, 07:15:35 AM »
Here's a favorite Children's book.  Brenda's Beaver needs a Barber.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSHd2rnkRTE

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2352 on: April 03, 2020, 08:28:59 AM »
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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2354 on: April 03, 2020, 12:19:30 PM »

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2355 on: April 04, 2020, 08:51:42 PM »
Why Women Make Better Assassins

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
 
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
 
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
 
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
 
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
 
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "
 
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
 
 
"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison
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Offline Jim

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2356 on: April 05, 2020, 12:32:10 AM »
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sodapop6620: You are never lost as long as you have gas.  Mrs. DantesDame: Side roads lead to interesting discoveries

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2357 on: April 05, 2020, 06:38:36 AM »
There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.
For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.

"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.

"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"

Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison
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Online miles

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2358 on: April 05, 2020, 02:01:45 PM »
This made me laugh.


Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2359 on: April 05, 2020, 08:05:18 PM »
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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2360 on: April 05, 2020, 10:50:18 PM »
This made me laugh.

So out, I stole it.
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Offline Cookie

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2361 on: April 08, 2020, 05:52:35 AM »
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Online jadziadax8

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2362 on: April 08, 2020, 07:38:49 AM »
True story:

Sprout lost his tooth the day before last.

He still sort of believes in the tooth fairy, so he made sure to tell me that he had placed the tooth in an Altoid's tin under his pillow for safe keeping.

At this point it's almost bedtime, and I'm thinking, "shit, I have no cash."

So I tell him that the tooth fairy is practicing social distancing and won't be working that night.

I think I might go to Hell for this one.
She's got a worm in 'er belly? That's disgusting! That's interesting, but very disgusting. 

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Online viffergyrl

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2363 on: April 08, 2020, 07:53:05 AM »
True story:

Sprout lost his tooth the day before last.

He still sort of believes in the tooth fairy, so he made sure to tell me that he had placed the tooth in an Altoid's tin under his pillow for safe keeping.

At this point it's almost bedtime, and I'm thinking, "shit, I have no cash."

So I tell him that the tooth fairy is practicing social distancing and won't be working that night.

I think I might go to Hell for this one.

I don't think you're the only parent who has used that....ploy. What are you going to do about the Easter bunny?

Oh... and out.
The world is a mess. It has always been a mess. Our job is to straighten out our own lives.  Joseph Campbell

Online jadziadax8

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2364 on: April 08, 2020, 08:02:05 AM »
I don't think you're the only parent who has used that....ploy. What are you going to do about the Easter bunny?

Oh... and out.

That's easy, it's outside.  Basket delivery to the back door.
She's got a worm in 'er belly? That's disgusting! That's interesting, but very disgusting. 

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Offline Cookie

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2365 on: April 08, 2020, 08:06:44 AM »
I don't think you're the only parent who has used that....ploy. What are you going to do about the Easter bunny?

Oh... and out.

That's easy, it's outside.  Basket delivery to the back door.

The EB can't catch it.
“Government is the Entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.”

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2366 on: April 08, 2020, 09:00:32 AM »
I don't think you're the only parent who has used that....ploy. What are you going to do about the Easter bunny?

Oh... and out.

That's easy, it's outside.  Basket delivery to the back door.



The EB can't catch it.

ORLY???

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2367 on: April 08, 2020, 11:22:42 AM »
True story:

Sprout lost his tooth the day before last.

He still sort of believes in the tooth fairy, so he made sure to tell me that he had placed the tooth in an Altoid's tin under his pillow for safe keeping.

At this point it's almost bedtime, and I'm thinking, "shit, I have no cash."

So I tell him that the tooth fairy is practicing social distancing and won't be working that night.

I think I might go to Hell for this one.

My wife and I are both out.    :lol:
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Offline Andrew

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2368 on: April 09, 2020, 10:17:39 PM »
True story:

Sprout lost his tooth the day before last.

He still sort of believes in the tooth fairy, so he made sure to tell me that he had placed the tooth in an Altoid's tin under his pillow for safe keeping.

At this point it's almost bedtime, and I'm thinking, "shit, I have no cash."

So I tell him that the tooth fairy is practicing social distancing and won't be working that night.

I think I might go to Hell for this one.

Out and Out  ;D ;D ;D
Freedom without regulations that protect the general good is nothing less than anarchy by the rich.

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2369 on: April 12, 2020, 05:36:19 AM »
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
" No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this
reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as
he heard people walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison
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Offline Cookie

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Offline stevent

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2371 on: April 19, 2020, 01:45:21 PM »
A doctor friend of mine got fired for having sex with a patient, it was his only indiscretion in years of committed practice. It's really a shame because good veterinarians are so hard to find...
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2372 on: April 19, 2020, 03:16:47 PM »
A doctor friend of mine got fired for having sex with a patient, it was his only indiscretion in years of committed practice. It's really a shame because good veterinarians are so hard to find...
:lol:
Sheep lie under oath...
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Offline Andrew

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2373 on: April 19, 2020, 06:25:30 PM »
Out
Freedom without regulations that protect the general good is nothing less than anarchy by the rich.

"Riders might be worse than Kardashians for stupidity any more." Cornbe

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2374 on: April 19, 2020, 08:10:01 PM »
That was baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
A plan is just a list of things that doesn't happen.

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2375 on: April 20, 2020, 09:24:05 AM »
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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, the Vet came over and had a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him,



But they kind of taste like peppermint.
sometimes WTF is the appropriate answer

Offline ChrisFZ1

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2376 on: April 20, 2020, 05:34:22 PM »
.

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2377 on: April 20, 2020, 06:50:48 PM »
I need to make these for real.
She's got a worm in 'er belly? That's disgusting! That's interesting, but very disgusting. 

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Offline Cookie

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2378 on: April 20, 2020, 06:52:05 PM »
hahaha
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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2379 on: April 21, 2020, 02:31:30 PM »
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

Offline Andrew

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2380 on: April 21, 2020, 08:05:29 PM »
I need to make these for real.

Ahaa Ha So you are wearing the glasses too

They take a bit to get used to, but help on the outlook
Freedom without regulations that protect the general good is nothing less than anarchy by the rich.

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2381 on: April 22, 2020, 10:18:13 AM »
I need to make these for real.

Ahaa Ha So you are wearing the glasses too

They take a bit to get used to, but help on the outlook

My friend who teaches film at my school says he thinks it's more like David Fincher or early Ridley Scott.
She's got a worm in 'er belly? That's disgusting! That's interesting, but very disgusting. 

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2382 on: April 22, 2020, 10:31:05 AM »
How's your day goin'?
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Offline Cookie

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2383 on: April 22, 2020, 10:31:33 AM »
Bout like that.
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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2384 on: April 22, 2020, 11:06:31 AM »
How's your day goin'?
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ROFL
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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2385 on: April 22, 2020, 11:58:48 AM »
How's your day goin'?
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Been there.  At least the diaper isn't full.
She's got a worm in 'er belly? That's disgusting! That's interesting, but very disgusting. 

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Offline ChrisFZ1

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2386 on: April 23, 2020, 10:08:30 AM »
.

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2387 on: April 23, 2020, 10:12:19 AM »
Out.
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

Offline stevent

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2388 on: April 23, 2020, 10:34:48 AM »




She looks so different without make up .. :rolf: :rolf: :rolf:
"Sure I get the best parking spots, but who could love a man with a wooden leg and a face like a hens arse?"

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2389 on: April 23, 2020, 10:50:45 AM »




She looks so different without make up .. :rolf: :rolf: :rolf:

double out.
"Most accidents happen when the meek meet the douchebags."  -Viffergyrl
"The wider the road, the worse the food." -Coho
Let's do some science.

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2390 on: April 24, 2020, 04:20:29 PM »
I don’t know why it wouldn’t accept this one. :headscratch:
She's got a worm in 'er belly? That's disgusting! That's interesting, but very disgusting. 

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Online 1KPerDay

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2391 on: April 24, 2020, 05:47:19 PM »
LOLz
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Offline ChrisFZ1

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2392 on: April 24, 2020, 08:46:56 PM »
.

Offline mr.awesome

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2393 on: May 05, 2020, 12:44:55 PM »
 :beerchug:

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2394 on: May 06, 2020, 05:23:01 PM »
I don’t know why it wouldn’t accept this one. :headscratch:

So out.   And here's one just for you:

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2395 on: May 06, 2020, 05:46:33 PM »
 :bigok:
She's got a worm in 'er belly? That's disgusting! That's interesting, but very disgusting. 

My Other Hobby

Online thatguy

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2396 on: May 10, 2020, 10:08:31 AM »
Didn't know where else to put this

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed, complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
sometimes WTF is the appropriate answer

Online miles

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2397 on: May 10, 2020, 11:24:03 PM »
This:

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries

Online Flyer

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2398 on: May 11, 2020, 05:42:10 AM »
“This has not been a good day . After spending the last nine weeks quarantined inside the house, I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a horrible big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the saddle stirrup, the horse was then dragging me. The horse just would not stop. Thankfully the manager at Walmart came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't try to ride the Elephant.”
"We have constructed pyramids, in honour of our escaping." - Jim Morrison
"If Slipknot can wear a mask for a full set then you can wear a mask for your trip into Walmart!”
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Offline Andrew

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Re: You laugh. You Lose.
« Reply #2399 on: May 11, 2020, 11:33:08 PM »
OUT  :clap:
Freedom without regulations that protect the general good is nothing less than anarchy by the rich.

"Riders might be worse than Kardashians for stupidity any more." Cornbe