Sport-Touring

The Lounge => Off Topic Discussion => Topic started by: Papa Lazarou on November 15, 2013, 06:28:20 AM

Title: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on November 15, 2013, 06:28:20 AM
As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be bleeding hilarious
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on November 15, 2013, 06:33:23 AM
I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt.

You just get taller.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Cablebandit on November 15, 2013, 08:22:19 AM
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on November 17, 2013, 01:31:57 PM
 :clap:


I left my bike in a car park the other day, when I came back to it, it was on side and some sod had driven over it.

Then I found this note tucked into the fairing.

It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your motorcycle.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Justin on November 17, 2013, 01:58:15 PM
:clap:


I left my bike in a car park the other day, when I came back to it, it was on side and some sod had driven over it.

Then I found this note tucked into the fairing.

It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your motorcycle.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.


:lol:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Justin on November 17, 2013, 02:04:33 PM
At the end of his sermon the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation wanted to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men in the congregation as the thought of the pain poor Phil must have experienced sank in.

"Phil was hurt so badly that he couldn't even hold me or the kids," Suzie continued. "Every movement caused terrible pain. We prayed when his doctors performed the delicate operation required to repair the extensive damage. Luckily they were able to piece the crushed and broken remnants of Phil's scrotum together and wrap it in wire to hold everything in place."

Again, the male half of the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, cringing at the thought of what Phil went through.

"Today," Suzie announced in a quivering voice, "Thanks to the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital. His doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

A great sigh of relief arose from the pews. The shaken pastor stood and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He looked around the congregation and said, "I'm Phil." The entire assembly held its collective breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: PatM on November 17, 2013, 02:38:28 PM
.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 07, 2013, 11:26:04 AM
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist.
Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between
the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong
he is."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 07, 2013, 02:16:10 PM
Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around woman:

Man: "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show dem liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'"

"Right, Daddy"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: mxvet57 on December 07, 2013, 02:44:54 PM
Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around woman:

Man: "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show dem liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'"

"Right, Daddy"

Did i hear banjo's playing.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on January 28, 2014, 02:29:40 PM
I've just invented a new word.




















Plagiarism.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Justin on February 12, 2014, 02:27:51 PM
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait until Mildred's mother to pass away first.

Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester
that they could not "do it."

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.

Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.

Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the
nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging
there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years.

He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees
the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about
her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says,
"Chester, I have acute angina."

Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got some ugly tits."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Justin on February 12, 2014, 02:35:26 PM
A blonde took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow....
"Ooh!" Said the presenter, "this is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks." She replied
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Justin on February 12, 2014, 02:45:59 PM
A tourist in Australia was driving through the Australian Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few kilometers further down the road he came upon a small town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The tourist turned to the bartender and said, "What sort of country is this? A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in public."

The bartender said, "You heartless bastard, he's only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Justin on February 12, 2014, 02:46:39 PM
Guy goes into a barber shop. When he tells the barber he wants a really close shave, but has very sensitive skin, and his skin is very wrinkled, the barber says, "No problem. I have just the solution. Take this ball (wooden, about the size of a billiard ball), put it in your mouth, roll it to the side I am shaving, and it will be very close". When the barber is finished, the guy feels his face, and it is the closest shave he has ever had. He told the barber how good it was, then said, "But what if I had swallowed the ball while you were shaving me?" The barber answered, "It is OK; you would have brought it back in a few days, just like everyone does...".
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Justin on February 12, 2014, 02:54:36 PM
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by
a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had
evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were
only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid
was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started
to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and
friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless
man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They
wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up
my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low,
my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on February 12, 2014, 05:09:21 PM
So this Irishman walks out of a bar...



Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on February 24, 2014, 04:23:39 PM
A man walks into a bar and orders three whiskies. The barman pours one and says, 'Let me know when you want the next.' But the man says, 'No, I’d like all three at once.'The barman pours two more drinks. The man slugs all three, pays and leaves. This goes on every night for a week. Finally, the barman asks the man why he orders three at a time. The man says, 'When I left my home, many miles away, I promised my two brothers that whenever I had a drink, I’d order one for each of them too.' The man returns every night for a year. He and the barman get to know each other very well.

Then, one day, the man orders only two whiskies. This goes on for a couple of weeks, but the barman is afraid to ask if something has happened to one of the brothers. Finally, he summons up the courage to say, 'I noticed you’ve been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything OK with your brothers?' The man looks at the barman, puzzled, then realises what he’s implying. He smiles and says, 'Yes! My brothers are fine, but I’ve given up drink.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Veefer800canuck on February 24, 2014, 05:43:43 PM
Hahaha, that's awesome.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: xsrider on July 29, 2014, 11:01:10 AM

Redneck Man's pick up lines


1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin’ girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8 ) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on July 29, 2014, 12:49:37 PM
"Doctor," said the receptionist over the phone, "there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible."

"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on July 29, 2014, 12:50:40 PM
A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.

As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on July 29, 2014, 12:55:33 PM
Sandy:  Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.

Doctor: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.

Sandy: I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on July 29, 2014, 12:57:51 PM
A client comes for his first therapy session. He has a small cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.

"Can you help me figure out what's wrong with me?" he asks the therapist.

The therapist replies, "You're not eating properly."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on July 29, 2014, 01:05:03 PM
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation.
One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on July 29, 2014, 01:08:15 PM
Two mental patients were hanging from an apple tree when one suddenly fell to the ground.
The other yelled down, "What's the matter? Are you tired?"
From below came back, "No, ripe!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on July 29, 2014, 01:09:22 PM
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to hold his penis...I mean ladder...I meant to say ladder
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on July 29, 2014, 01:11:38 PM
Why do bulemics love KFC?

Because it comes with a bucket!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on July 29, 2014, 01:12:55 PM
How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but he gets six engineering credits for it.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on July 29, 2014, 01:13:46 PM
How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?


None silly, hippies only screw in dirty sleeping bags.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on July 29, 2014, 01:14:43 PM
visitors can't see pics , please register or login
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on July 29, 2014, 01:14:59 PM
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?


None, the sockets went with the house.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on July 29, 2014, 01:17:08 PM
visitors can't see pics , please register or login
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: xsrider on July 29, 2014, 05:46:56 PM
Marriage advice from children

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
-------------------------------
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-------------------------------------
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
--------------------------------------------------
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
----------------------------------
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
-------------------------------
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
--------------------------------------
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper- changing."
Kirsten, age 10


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on July 30, 2014, 12:19:14 AM
Some gems in there.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on July 30, 2014, 03:37:59 PM
"HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10 "

So out.  :clap:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on July 31, 2014, 12:11:02 PM
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was
sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies that protocol
decrees (gin and tonic with cucumber sandwiches), the retiring colonel said,
"You really must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really
the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned & introduced to the new CO, who was shocked to see a
toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, standing
less than three feet tall.

The retiring Colonel said "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about
yourself."


"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and
won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal
in the middleweight division of the boxing Olympics. I have researched the
history of … "

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the
new CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the
witch doctor a twat!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fourstring on August 01, 2014, 08:12:47 AM
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate. "Hey, b--ch," said the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Holy smokes, you lazy 'wench', where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, tramp," says the man, "Get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry 'rump' - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.
In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.


As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta guts."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fourstring on August 07, 2014, 08:12:59 AM
ELECTRICAL THEORY OF SMOKE by Joseph Lucas, "The Prince of Darkness," 1842-1903.

Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke".
Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!
The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward.
Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires.

It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets.

Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fourstring on August 13, 2014, 07:52:29 AM
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we was friends."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 17, 2014, 07:37:31 AM
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies: "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost 500,000 bucks.
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?
"Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-Bbbla...MMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Cookie on August 17, 2014, 07:44:07 AM
Stolen.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 17, 2014, 07:45:42 AM
Stolen.

Almost all my jokes are.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Cookie on August 17, 2014, 07:46:11 AM
I stole it from you numb nutz.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 17, 2014, 07:46:53 AM
I stole it from you numb nutz.


Oh. I stole it from here: http://www.jokebuddha.com/web/Ang/Motorcycle (http://www.jokebuddha.com/web/Ang/Motorcycle)
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Cookie on August 17, 2014, 09:06:22 AM
Like this?


On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken s pied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks" 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 18, 2014, 02:54:23 PM
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on
Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest
hills I can find at the crack of dawn."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's
still alive... he's a dirt biker."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 117 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 19, 2014, 11:55:07 AM
A Honda rider, a Ducati rider and a Harley Davidson rider were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze after a long day’s ride. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them, impounding their bikes in the process. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Harley Davidson rider was first in line (he had drunk the most), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Harley Davidson rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Ducati rider was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through. The Ducati rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Honda rider was the last one up (he had drunk the least), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You ride a Honda. You support the greatest motorcycle and car producer in the world. I myself ride a Fireblade and have many Acuras in my fleet. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Honda rider replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes!"

"Not only are you an honorable and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Harley Davidson rider to my back." The Honda rider replied.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 19, 2014, 12:11:06 PM
A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian
coast while they were diving. He spends a terrible night wondering what could
have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is
confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad new first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her
wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... Now, what's the really good news?

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around
11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you
fancy comin' with us?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 19, 2014, 01:48:20 PM
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 19, 2014, 02:20:23 PM
A guy walks into a pub one night and sees a very attractive young woman down at the end of the bar with several empty glasses in front of her, "hmm, he thinks" and strolls down there just as she takes a slug out of a fresh glass. " Hi." he says. the lady puts down her glass, looks him up and down, and says " Look buddy, lets just cut the bull***** here, I screw anybody, old, young, fat, skinny, don't matter, I'll screw 'em anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, on the ground, in the hall, all the same. I'll screw them quick and I'll screw them slow, clean, dirty all the same to me. So, whadda ya say?"
" Really?" he says " I'm a lawyer too, what firm are you with?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on September 04, 2014, 02:38:50 PM
Got a new phone yesterday, a made in Malaysia model.

I put it in airplane mode, and the damned thing disappeared...
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on September 22, 2014, 11:45:13 AM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
 "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.  The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Max Wedge on September 22, 2014, 01:37:36 PM
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.  This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably golfing with his buddies.”

It took a while to restore order in the classroom.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 07, 2014, 11:45:19 AM
What's the difference between an onion and a set of bagpipes?



























You don't cry when you cut the bagpipes up.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on October 07, 2014, 03:16:25 PM
Whats the difference between a skunk smashed in the road and a set of bagpipes smashed in the road?











There's skid marks in front of the skunk...
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: CLAY on October 09, 2014, 06:53:28 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants.  The bartender looks at him says "Criminy man, that must hurt!"

The pirate says "Aye matey, it's driving me nuts".
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 10, 2014, 01:12:51 PM
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 10, 2014, 01:14:53 PM
Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first ," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?








"You're in the team for this Saturday."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on October 20, 2014, 04:16:58 PM
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on October 23, 2014, 06:02:36 AM
A cabbie picks up a Nun.   She gets into the cab,
and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring
at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:  'I have a question to ask you but
I don't want to offend you.'
 
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. 
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun
as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything.  I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
or ask that I would find offensive.'
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that
#1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic.'
 
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic
'OK' the nun says.  'Pull into the next alley.'
 
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
 
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must Confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.........my name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween  Party.'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Cablebandit on October 24, 2014, 07:25:43 AM
visitors can't see pics , please register or login

visitors can't see pics , please register or login

visitors can't see pics , please register or login

visitors can't see pics , please register or login
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on October 24, 2014, 04:32:08 PM

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
    tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
    that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
     
    The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
    sapling.
     
    The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
    is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
     
    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
    neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
    piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 25, 2014, 02:33:22 AM
My know it all friend said that, of all the vegetables, only onions make you cry.

So I smashed him in the face with a coconut.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Dan K on October 27, 2014, 02:10:28 PM
My know it all friend said that, of all the vegetables, only onions make you cry.

So I smashed him in the face with a coconut.

Somethings wrong with me. Laughed out loud.

 _Dan
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bungie4 on October 27, 2014, 03:56:58 PM
My know it all friend said that, of all the vegetables, only onions make you cry.

So I smashed him in the face with a coconut.

Somethings wrong with me. Laughed out loud.

Same here.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on November 13, 2014, 09:22:29 AM
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house... I looked her dead in the eye and said, "The motherf**king Decepticons". She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on November 13, 2014, 09:29:24 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^
 :rolf: :willy: :rolf:


Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: I'm NOT Carl on November 13, 2014, 10:11:20 AM
Do you know how many women turned to pillars of salt in the bible?














Lots!

Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on November 24, 2014, 07:44:08 PM
Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks: 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ....

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fatiredflyer on November 28, 2014, 09:02:44 AM
Teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
 
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
 
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
 


Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on November 30, 2014, 12:20:00 PM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
Their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the
Order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
Change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
Again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and
Pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
And a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
Ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
And says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
The man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
And places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
Longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
Always come up with the exact change in your
Pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
Cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
Two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
To pay for anything, I would just put my hand
In my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
Would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
But you'll always be as rich as you want for as
Long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
Says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
Wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long
legs who agrees with everything I say.."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fatiredflyer on December 02, 2014, 06:55:30 AM
During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says,  "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
 
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
 
"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"


Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 07, 2014, 10:52:39 AM
what do you call a legless sheep?

















cloud.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Nodaclu on December 08, 2014, 03:20:25 PM
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on December 09, 2014, 09:23:05 PM
Your Momma's so mean she has no standard deviation.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Max Wedge on December 13, 2014, 10:24:23 PM
 A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
 "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on December 13, 2014, 10:35:08 PM
And the bartender said "We don't allow retrocausality in here."

A tachyon walked into a bar.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 24, 2014, 02:39:38 PM
Penguin walks into a bar.

He asks the barman, "Have you seen my brother?"

Barman: "Dunno. What does he look like?".
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on December 25, 2014, 09:26:58 PM
Why do seagulls live by the sea?



'Cause if they lived in the Bay, they'd be baygulls.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 26, 2014, 04:47:57 AM
What's white and looks like snow?











Flour.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on January 05, 2015, 03:28:37 PM
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained. "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left with a lot to think about. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
When he finally came home, he walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Well, it needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
He never heard the gunshot.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: squeezer on January 05, 2015, 05:03:49 PM
Q:  What's red and smells like blue paint?

A:  Red paint.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 10, 2015, 11:55:08 AM


I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall,
there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal
glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and
chocolates.  Then the priest came in.  I said to him, "Father, forgive me,
for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must
first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used
to be."

He replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on January 10, 2015, 01:35:35 PM
A farmer was getting his sheep down from the hill.

He said to his sheepdog, "How many sheep are there?"

The sheepdog replied, "50"

The farmer said, "I can only count 46"

The sheepdog said, "Well, I rounded them up".
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on January 10, 2015, 04:43:40 PM
Q: If a train that is one light-year long enters a tunnel in the Eagle Nebula that is one light-year long, traveling at one light-year per year, how long will it be before the train travels completely through the tunnel?

A: It already happened 6,000 years ago. It was awesome, you should have been there!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on January 11, 2015, 01:16:58 PM
Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"

"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 16, 2015, 10:02:06 AM
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
 
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by the  situation, the trooper gently raps on the driver's window.
 
'Uh, yes, Officer?’
'What are you doing?’
'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.’
'And what's she doing?’
'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.’
 
Now, the trooper is confused. A young couple, alone in a car, at night in a lover's lane... and nothing’s happening!
'What's your age, young man?’
'I'm 22, sir.’
 
'And her.... what's her age?’
'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on January 16, 2015, 11:54:06 AM
A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop asks if he can help with its luggage.

"No thanks", it says. "I'm travelling light".
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on January 16, 2015, 12:32:53 PM
Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Whoops, sorry. Not Emo kids......Chemo kids...

(in my defense, this is the Bad Joke thread, and that's one of the worst jokes I think I've ever heard or told...)


LT
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on January 16, 2015, 08:38:35 PM


(in my defense, this is the Bad Joke thread, and that's one of the worst jokes I think I've ever heard or told...)


LT

This ought to beat it ...

I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore. Some would even say I'm a little frayed
around the edges....But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually traveling
from place to place and enjoying life. I met a nice looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an
instant spark between us. All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her
knees and lay on the grass at my feet. As we lay there making love, I thought ..... "Wow, these Taser
guns are really worth the money!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 29, 2015, 10:02:45 AM
The Bridge
 
A man on his FJR was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
 
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
 
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
 
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
 
God replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: MrsCablebandit on January 29, 2015, 10:14:59 AM
That's funny because it's true.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Vulcanbill on January 30, 2015, 07:47:13 AM
Mr. musclefitness goes into the shower at the gym after his workout.  Standing there toweling off after his shower is an extremely obese man. 

Mr. musclefitness says, "Wow, dude, you are huge." 
Fatguy says, "Yeah, I know.  That's why I'm here." 
Mr. musclefitness:  "I can't believe how fat you are.  When was the last time you saw your junk?"
Fatguy:  Well, actually, it's been quite a while...but I'm working on it."
Mr. musclefitness:  "Have you ever even tried to diet?"
Fatguy:  "Diet?!?  Why?  What color is it now?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on January 30, 2015, 01:37:30 PM
Do you come from Norfolk?


(at this point, you should answer yes)

Well, give me a high six!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fatiredflyer on January 30, 2015, 08:00:54 PM
 Why women make better assassins 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.  After all the background checks, interviews  and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.   For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large  metal door and handed him a gun.  "We must know that  you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.....kill her!!!"  The man said “You can’t be serious.  I could never shoot my wife”. The agent  said, “Then you are not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home". 
 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun  and went into the room.  All was quiet for about five minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."  The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home." 
 
Finally, it was the woman’s turn.  She was given the same instructions,  to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard,  one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood  the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.  “This gun is loaded with blanks”,  she said. “I had to kill him with the chair.”


Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Veefer800canuck on January 30, 2015, 10:00:56 PM

A Newfie is visiting Texas and starts a conversation with a Texan at a local bar.

The Texan asks the Newfie where he's from and the Newfie says, "You know where New York is?”

The Texan says, "Yeh, yeh, I know where New York is.”

The Newfie says, "Well bye, you just drive north of dere about 6 hours, turn right for 3 hours and catch a 6 hour ferry and you're right dere in Newfoundland.”

The Texan says "That's got to be close to China!”

The Newfie thinks about this and then says, "Lard tunderin’ bye”, I tink you might be right....... I works with dis Chinese guy and he goes home for lunch every day!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on February 02, 2015, 01:41:55 PM
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, "Well it's what Mummy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an @sshole!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on February 02, 2015, 06:34:48 PM
You grunts can commiserate.

A new army captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges.That's why we have Molly the Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
 
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?
 
''No Sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."   
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: CLAY on February 03, 2015, 06:15:44 PM
An American wrestler tries out for the Olympic Wrestling team.  The coach tells him "Son, you could be the best wrestler I ever coached.  I think you could win the silver medal."

Perplexed, the wrestler asks him "Why only silver?"

The coach says "Well there's this Russian, and he has this move called the Russian Twist.  When he puts that move on there is no counter move- his opponent gets pinned every time."

Sure enough- the American wrestler works his way through the tourney in the Olympics, and finally finds himself in the gold medal match against- you guessed it- the Russian.

The coach says "Well son, here's what I am going to do.  When I see him start putting on the Russian Twist, I'm just gonna yell 'Russians twist, Russian twist!' and you just do whatever you can."

The match begins- period one is back and forth- neither wrestler gaining ground.

Period two begins and it's the same- back and forth- until the final 30 seconds.  The coach sees the Russian moving into the Russian twist and begins yelling "Russian twist!  It's the Russian twist!"

Suddenly there's an incredible scream of agony, the American spins and pins the Russian!  It's an amazing feat- the crowd erupts- not one has ever beaten the Russian!

Afterwards the coach asks the American wrestler "Son, how did you pull that off?"

The American says "Well, you started yelling 'Russian twist' and I felt him begin to move- I felt us twisting in unnatural ways, when suddenly, right on front of my face was a set of hairy testicles.  I figured the only way was to just chomp down on those things and see what happens- so I did.  It's amazing what you can do when you bite your own balls!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on February 06, 2015, 05:14:47 AM
2 cows standing in a field, one says, 'have you heard about this mad cow's disease?'


Other one says,'won't effect me, I'm a squirrel.'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on February 12, 2015, 10:28:42 AM

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand along Highway 11-17 near Thunder Bay, Ontario early one cold December morning.
Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs The buck was magnificent..... a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.
Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 11-17.
The hunter pulled away from the gun stock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on February 22, 2015, 11:26:44 AM
Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred .'
Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. ' Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Fred .
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
" Fred , wake up! You've shit the bed!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on February 26, 2015, 04:49:34 PM
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh...no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited.

"Well, go look in the garage," she said.

Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fatiredflyer on February 27, 2015, 12:51:11 PM
Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie,           
and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...
Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."
Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Nebraska, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his willie...


Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on March 21, 2015, 03:23:34 PM
Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper asks him : "Do you know how fast you were going?" And Heisenberg says : "No, but I know where I am!"

The trooper tells him: "You were going 80 miles per hour!" And Heisenberg replies: "Great! Now I'm lost!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on April 05, 2015, 09:58:52 AM
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on April 05, 2015, 09:59:34 AM
Someone stole my mood ring.

I don't know how I feel about that.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on April 05, 2015, 10:00:15 AM
I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on April 05, 2015, 10:01:41 AM
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on April 05, 2015, 10:04:22 AM
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.


Poor bastard.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on April 05, 2015, 12:36:42 PM
How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

 :rolf:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fatiredflyer on April 06, 2015, 02:09:14 PM
 
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his home town and then left for Manhattan, NY.  Soon he was invited to give a speech in his home town.  As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted and the microphone amplified it throughout the room.

He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper.  As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others.  I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"



Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fatiredflyer on April 10, 2015, 10:00:17 AM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
 
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. "You will all be completely hypnotized and under my control.
 
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
 
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see."It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" he said.
 
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the Watch"
 
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
 
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
 
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
 
They were totally hypnotized.
 
And then, suddenly, the watch chain broke!!!
 
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
 
"S H I T"  said Claude.
 
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre ....And Claude was never invited there again!
 


Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on April 10, 2015, 02:37:59 PM
 :rolf: to Dr Epstein.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on April 16, 2015, 05:30:45 AM
So you are a better informed ST.Oner:

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Max Wedge on April 17, 2015, 09:25:37 AM
 An engineer could not find a job, so he opens a medical clinic, and puts a sign outside that says,

"Get treatment for $50, if not cured get back $100."
 
 A local doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to show up the engineer and earn a quick $100, so he visits the clinic.
Patient (doctor): I have lost my sense of taste.
Engineer: Nurse, bring the medicine from box No 22 and place 3 drops in the patient's mouth.
Patient (doctor): Spits out the medicine and says "Hey!! This is not medicine, it's gasoline."
Engineer: Congratulations! .. you're cured! You have your taste back ....that will be $50.
Doctor gets annoyed at losing to the Engineer, and so he returns after several days determined to recover his money.
Doctor : I seem to have lost my memory and I can't remember a thing.
Engineer : Nurse, bring the medicine from box No 22 and put 3 drops In the patient's mouth.
Doctor: "But that medicine is for the sense of taste!!"
Engineer : "Congratulations! Your memory is back ..that'll be $50!"
The Doctor leaves again, but after several days angrily returns for one last try, and more determined than ever to recover his money.
Engineer: "So what seems to be the problem?"
Doctor : "My eyesight has suddenly become very weak".
Engineer : "Well, seems I don't have any medicine for that. Here, take this $100 and go."
Doctor : ...."But this is only a $10 bill!!"
Engineer : "Congratulations, your eyesight has gotten a lot better!! ....That will be $50.
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fatiredflyer on April 22, 2015, 09:27:06 AM
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,  "Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"


Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on April 22, 2015, 12:42:41 PM
 :rolf:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stevent on April 25, 2015, 03:23:27 PM
A Polish fellow went to get a drivers liscense one day, after filling out the forms he was told he needed an eye test.

He made an appointment and two months later arrived for the eye exam. The Optomatrist had him sit in the chair and fiddled around with the instrument until a line of letters popped up on the screen,
             

                                                               C Z R Y W S I C I N K I W


Can you read that? asked the Doctor.. Read it? the patient replied, that's my cousin!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on April 27, 2015, 03:12:53 PM
(I can't help it...)


What does a Polish bride get after her wedding that's long, hard and a real mouthful?

A new last name!

LT
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: PatM on April 28, 2015, 08:32:57 AM
A recent study shows that Canadians walk about 900 miles per day. Year.
Another study shows that Canadians, on average, drink 22 gal of beer per year.

This means that on average, Canadians get 41 miles to the gallon.  :bigok:

From a proud Canadian!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fatiredflyer on April 28, 2015, 08:37:53 AM
Yea!
I'm better than average!!


Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Slartibartfast on April 28, 2015, 09:13:58 AM

A recent study shows that Canadians walk about 900 miles per day.

! Must be those folks farther north than me. How much do they spend on shoes?!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bungie4 on April 28, 2015, 11:50:14 AM
Woohoo! I'm worse than average!

Then again, I don't walk very much... to much snow most of the year.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: PatM on April 28, 2015, 01:50:32 PM

A recent study shows that Canadians walk about 900 miles per day.

! Must be those folks farther north than me. How much do they spend on shoes?!

Tis what happens when you write before your second cup.  :redface:

Year   ;)
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Slartibartfast on April 28, 2015, 01:52:25 PM


A recent study shows that Canadians walk about 900 miles per day.

! Must be those folks farther north than me. How much do they spend on shoes?!

Tis what happens when you write before your second cup.  :redface:

Year   ;)

Yar. It's nice to see I'm not the only one who needs a half gallon to get right. :lol:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fatiredflyer on May 06, 2015, 09:32:54 AM
A rancher from Alberta, hauling his horse in a trailer to a rodeo, gets pulled over by an RCMP officer in Falkland BC for speeding.
The officer started to lecture the rancher about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the rancher feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were persistently buzzing around his head.
The rancher says, "Y'all havin' a problem with them circle flies?"
 
The officer stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the rancher replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The officer says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the rancher replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the officer says and goes back to writing the ticket.
 
After a long pause, the rancher, in his most polite voice says, "Hard to fool them flies though"


Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stevent on May 06, 2015, 02:22:05 PM
I went to see the worlds worse faith healer the other night.

He was so bad a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out...
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fatiredflyer on May 07, 2015, 08:34:42 PM
A  Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.


The first batter approaches the batters' box,  takes  a few swings and then hits a double.

Everyone is on  their feet  screaming "Run!!!"

The next batter hits a single.

The Scotsman listens as the crowd  again cheers  "RUN!! RUN!!".

The Scotsman is enjoying the game  and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and  four balls go  by,

The Umpire calls:  "Walk."

The batter starts his slow trot to  first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye  lazy bastard, run!"

The people around him begin  laughing.

Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes the man's  embarrassment, leans over and explains, “He can't run
-- he has four  balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk  with pride, Laddie!"


Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on May 16, 2015, 05:16:59 AM
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through
a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.
 
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic
striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a
torn and frayed plaid shirt.
 
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal
his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the
T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of
hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the
world're ya’ doing, Billy Bob?"

"Tarnation, Cletus, ya’ scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor."

Bad enough?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Scratch on May 16, 2015, 06:40:47 AM
^groan.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Mac on May 17, 2015, 09:53:00 AM
A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, "You'll have to leave, we don't serve food here."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fatiredflyer on May 26, 2015, 10:41:33 PM
 
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
 
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.
 
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
 
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
 
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.  It was you, wasn't it son?"
 
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
 
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."



Sent from my iPhone with help from Nichola Tesla and the girls of Playboy.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on June 02, 2015, 06:15:30 AM
The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.
 
When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located.
 
I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
 
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
 
I said, "Yes!  Could you please taste this for me?”
 
Being I'm a senior  citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.
 
He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.
 
Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
 
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”
 
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL  NO!!!”
 
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's such a relief!  My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!”
 
Well, I can never go back to that pharmacy, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on June 04, 2015, 08:09:01 PM
An angry guy returns to the doctor with a jar of suppositories the doctor gave him on his last visit.
"Doc, my hemorrhoids still hurt like hell! This medicine you gave me, for all the good it did, I could have shoved them up my ass!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on June 08, 2015, 12:55:20 PM
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his ACA physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

"The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied,

"Yep, none of us could get the jar open..."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on June 10, 2015, 01:26:41 PM
I was killing time at the bar at the airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
 
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu ?"
 
He says. "No, why the hell you ask me that?  Is it because I am Chinese?"
 
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on June 10, 2015, 04:29:38 PM
This is my step ladder.

visitors can't see pics , please register or login


I never knew my real ladder...
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on June 15, 2015, 05:29:03 AM
An English tourist was driving through the Outback of Australia when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.
A few kilometres further on he came upon a small Outback town, so he parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.
He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar. He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table, masturbating without a care in the world.
The English tourist turned to the bartender and said, “What sort of country is this? A few kilometers back down the road there was this guy having sex with a kangaroo and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone."
The bartender said, "You heartless bastard. He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on June 19, 2015, 12:48:57 PM
I was out riding and came up behind a car with a bumper sticker that says "Watch for motorcycles".
I thought about it a bit as I rode along and came to the conclusion that there's only one appropriate response to that...
I pulled up to his open window at the next stop light, flipped up my modular helmet and said to him "Lemme see the watch."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on June 25, 2015, 02:19:31 PM
A man is walking nervously home in Belfast one night. Then his fears become reality.

Near the Falls Road, a burley arm comes around his neck and he feels a knife at his throat. A voice says, "Protestant or Catholic".

Overwhelmed with relief, the man says, "Jewish".

The voice the says, "I must be the luckiest Arab in Ulster...."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on July 21, 2015, 05:13:09 AM
A Positive Attitude:


Late in the night, he finally regained
consciousness.
He was in the hospital, agonizing in pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth,
needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires
monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He
realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight
into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating
each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist
down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel
your boobs, then?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Max Wedge on July 21, 2015, 06:16:56 AM
My small grandson got lost at the mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked. "What's his name?"
"Grandpa" he said.
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke thought for moment then replied, "Crown Royal Whiskey and women with big tits."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Dan K on July 22, 2015, 09:53:51 AM
The Proper way to call someone a Bastard
>
>
>     A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a  second golfer
>     approached and asked if he could join him.
>
>     The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
>
>     They were even after the first few holes.  The second guy said, "We're
>     about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
>
>     The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
>
>     The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.  As they were
>     walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
>
>     He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick
>     on suckers.
>
>     The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
>
>     The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
>
>     The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
>     You keep your winnings."
>
>     The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
>
>     The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
>     And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 07, 2015, 03:54:06 AM
A little old lady calls her neighbour and says:
"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ...
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 08, 2015, 01:53:54 AM
How do you tell if you're a chav?




When you let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table................... in front of her kids.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 08, 2015, 07:37:57 AM

A man walks into a bar.

There's a tiny little piano player in the corner, seated at a tiny little piano. He can't be even a foot tall, but he's really rocking - amazing music - jazz, boogie-woogie, ragtime, one great tune after another.

Astounded, the man listens for a few minutes, then says to the barman, "That's incredible! Where on earth did you find him?"

The barman says, "You're never going to believe this, but there's a genie that lives in the storeroom out back. He'll grant one wish."

Intrigued, the man goes through to the storeroom, and sure enough, there's a genie!

"I am the genie!" announces the genie. "What is your wish?"

The man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I'd like world peace!"

There's a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and suddenly the room is filled with geese.

Disappointed, the man returns to the bar, and says to the barman, "You know, I think your genie's a little hard of hearing."

"Tell me about it!" says the barman with a long face. "Do you really think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 08, 2015, 07:39:22 AM
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a' Whorehouse' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come on in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get
the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease..
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the
prick who ran over my FROG!'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 08, 2015, 07:48:18 AM
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'



Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: mr.awesome on August 08, 2015, 08:41:34 AM
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'



Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?


along the same lines.

visitors can't see pics , please register or login
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: miles on August 21, 2015, 11:42:56 PM
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: miles on August 21, 2015, 11:44:29 PM
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: fourstring on August 22, 2015, 06:51:57 AM

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

I don't know why, but I can't stop laughing at this.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: olderigetfasteriam on August 24, 2015, 07:27:10 PM

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on August 26, 2015, 03:42:14 PM
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 31, 2015, 10:28:33 AM
I had to go up in the loft to get the Christmas decorations out, and I found a present I forgot to give the wife last year.















It's a shame, she would have loved that kitten.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 31, 2015, 10:32:01 AM
A group of American tourists go in to a pub in Ireland.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers, I bet 5,000 euros that no one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."

"Grand" replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on September 04, 2015, 03:17:44 AM
My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son  with a jigsaw to keep him amused.

Imagine our surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: CLAY on September 04, 2015, 04:51:40 PM
My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son  with a jigsaw to keep him amused.

Imagine our surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.

I'm out.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on September 12, 2015, 10:07:11 AM
Why do sealions swim in salt water?









Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: CLAY on September 12, 2015, 07:47:14 PM
Kittens 'n cocks?  Is it wrong I laughed my ass off?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Cookie on September 12, 2015, 07:54:18 PM
Kittens 'n cocks?  Is it wrong I laughed my ass off?

Whatever are you talking about?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: CLAY on September 12, 2015, 08:39:59 PM
Kittens 'n cocks?  Is it wrong I laughed my ass off?

Whatever are you talking about?
+

 :bigok:  Vrious barnyard animals. 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on September 12, 2015, 09:41:55 PM
Kittens 'n cocks?  Is it wrong I laughed my ass off?

Whatever are you talking about?
+

 :bigok:  Vrious barnyard animals.

Made me think of this.
visitors can't see pics , please register or login


:snork:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on October 12, 2015, 10:53:29 AM
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're  looking good! How are they treating you?'   
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew: 'The bastards won't let me fart!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on November 03, 2015, 05:32:18 AM
A 65 year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Stevie, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Stevie replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Stevie’s wife. "Julie" he says, "Stevie is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?" 

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Julie exclaims, "He's
pissing in the fridge again!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on November 18, 2015, 04:35:20 PM
Two 90-year-old men, Phil and Joe, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Phil was dying, Joe visited him every day.
One day Joe said, "Phil, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Phil looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, "Joe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Phil died.
A few nights later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Joe, Joe ."
"Who is it," asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Joe -- it's me, Phil"
 "You're not Phil . Phil just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Phil," insisted the voice.
"Phil Where are you?"
"In heaven," replied Phil. "I have some really good        news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Joe.
"The good news," Phil said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we'reall young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and itnever rains or snows. And best of all, we can play ball all we want, and we never get tired." And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.
"That's fantastic," said Joe "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on November 20, 2015, 02:29:09 PM
A man walks into a drug store with his ten-year-old son.  They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.  Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.  Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

The boy looks over the display, picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."

"Cool," says the boy.  Then he notices a six-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for university students," the dad answers, “two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

"WOW!" exclaims the boy.  "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a twelve-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, "Those are for married men… one for January, one for February, one for March...”
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 01, 2015, 04:32:57 PM
We were kissing and cuddling, Me and my girlfriend, who was babysitting at a friend's house.

"Can you go and check upstairs, I don't think the baby monitor is working. " Said my girlfriend,

So I went upstairs, "Can you hear me, " I called through the monitor,

"Yes. " She answered.

"It is working then, " I replied, "what do you want me to do with the dead baby?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 01, 2015, 04:37:57 PM
I think it's time a serious message is sent out to ISIS and every other terrorist group throughout the world.

Justin Bieber has a gig on Thursday, December 19 at the Toyota Center, Houston, Texas, US.


Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: MrsCablebandit on December 01, 2015, 09:23:35 PM
Why don't Santa and Mrs. Claus have any kids?!?



Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it's down a chimney!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: thatguy on December 01, 2015, 10:34:42 PM
What's the best thing about getting oral sex?



























5 minutes of peace and quiet.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on December 04, 2015, 05:15:58 PM
5 minutes of peace and quiet.
5 minutes??
 :hail:



A little Scottish humour:
Please excuse my poor broagh being not nearly thick enough....


A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her
husband's temper and threatening manner.
 
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
 
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do.
Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
 
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water
and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
 
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. 
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
 
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
 
The Doctor says: "Janet m'dear, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on December 08, 2015, 05:09:19 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. 

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
 

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.' 

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on December 11, 2015, 04:59:16 PM
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and
as they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cell.
 
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do"
 
He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about
10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?

I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I
would get it for you? "
 
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.
 
" Well I am in the bar next to that."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on December 11, 2015, 05:01:41 PM
 :rolf:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on December 12, 2015, 04:54:41 PM
Blonde Cookbook

Monday - It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me the extra bowls.

Tuesday - He wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday - A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday - Today he asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday - I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
 
 
Saturday - He did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason he keeps counting to ten.
 
Sunday - I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius..I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe. If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on December 13, 2015, 05:45:10 AM
After a few too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"
A chap called Bill notices  green lumps on his willy.    
So off he goes to the doctor.
 
The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and Rugby players get cauliflower ears?"
 
"Yes" says Bill, nodding seriously.
 
"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on December 14, 2015, 12:52:24 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"  Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, Sir.  I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me.  Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.  They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 14, 2015, 04:12:55 PM
Well, that's definitely the last time I ever go shopping with my wife.
















We were on our way home from the store this morning and she dropped down dead.


Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 14, 2015, 04:19:27 PM
New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15

Tub of Vaseline: £3

XL Box of Tissues: £2

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless


Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on December 30, 2015, 01:31:08 PM
A cowboy walks into a pharmacy.

Cowboy to Pharmacist: " Gimme 3 packets of prophylactics, please. "

Pharmacist to Cowboy: " Would you like a paper bag with those, sir ? "

Cowboy to Pharmacist: "Nah, she's purty good lookin' "
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 02, 2016, 06:51:03 PM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please".

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
 
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
 
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
 
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
 
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."
 
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something; but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
 
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
 
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
 
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 06, 2016, 02:48:22 PM
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted Cart.

"John, she said, (loose breasts undulating beneath her white terry robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on, now " Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed and thought to myself, "but my wife won't like it."

After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on January 09, 2016, 09:38:36 AM
The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.

She's got a point, I suppose...


I work in a hammer factory.

Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on January 09, 2016, 09:40:16 AM
My Welsh neighbour's got his girlfriend mowing the lawn.

She's done the backyard and now he's dragging her out the front to eat the rest.

Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: miles on January 29, 2016, 11:41:47 PM
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and
asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on January 30, 2016, 09:33:40 AM
"Always give your food a rinse before you eat it," my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on February 06, 2016, 05:59:10 AM
well, my girlfriend took me home to meet her parents yesterday.















Like I've never met Mum and Dad before.  :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on February 06, 2016, 11:23:56 AM
A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
  "Yes we do," he  answered.

   She asked, "Does it  work?"

  "Yes it does," he  answered.
  She said, "Can you get it over the  counter?"
  "I can, if I take two," he replied.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Cookie on February 10, 2016, 10:58:22 AM
Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: kneescrubber on February 10, 2016, 06:03:12 PM
 :hail:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on February 13, 2016, 09:52:24 AM
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans.   Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you,
so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
 The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'
 Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the pilot,
'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'  The
pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
 Next, it's the priest's turn.   He stands erect and booms out, 'I am
Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
 Saint Peter consults his list.   He says to the priest, 'Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
 'Just a minute,' says the good father.    'That man was a pilot and he
gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.    How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.    'When you preached -
people slept.    When he flew, people prayed.'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on February 20, 2016, 05:40:06 AM
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Cookie on February 20, 2016, 05:56:23 AM
Oh dear.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: CLAY on February 20, 2016, 07:22:21 AM
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.

I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on February 20, 2016, 10:11:29 AM
I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more.

They're too complicated for women.


 :couch:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: I'm NOT Carl on February 20, 2016, 11:38:26 AM
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.

I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:

Plus he misspelled "ant" so it took a sec.

Carl
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on February 20, 2016, 03:04:40 PM
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.

I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:

Plus he misspelled "ant" so it took a sec.

Carl

Bah.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Cookie on February 20, 2016, 03:07:16 PM
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.

I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:

Plus he misspelled "ant" so it took a sec.

Carl

Bah.

Blah blah blah.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on February 20, 2016, 03:27:10 PM
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.


I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:


Plus he misspelled "ant" so it took a sec.

Carl


Bah.


Blah blah blah.

http://youtu.be/j2jHJ3bzTBg (http://youtu.be/j2jHJ3bzTBg)
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: kneescrubber on February 20, 2016, 03:54:48 PM
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.


I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:


Plus he misspelled "ant" so it took a sec.

Carl


Bah.


Blah blah blah.

[url]http://youtu.be/j2jHJ3bzTBg[/url] ([url]http://youtu.be/j2jHJ3bzTBg[/url])


visitors can't see pics , please register or login
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Cookie on February 20, 2016, 04:13:22 PM
You can tell the sex of an any by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.


I had to read it twice.   :facepalm: :lol:


Plus he misspelled "ant" so it took a sec.

Carl


Bah.


Blah blah blah.

[url]http://youtu.be/j2jHJ3bzTBg[/url] ([url]http://youtu.be/j2jHJ3bzTBg[/url])


visitors can't see pics , please register or login



visitors can't see pics , please register or login
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: kneescrubber on February 20, 2016, 04:22:48 PM
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I gotta admit. He's in my top 5 of greatest actors. Still.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Cookie on February 20, 2016, 05:42:48 PM
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I gotta admit. He's in my top 5 of greatest actors. Still.


Oh hell yeah.

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Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: radon222 on February 22, 2016, 02:32:16 PM
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on February 28, 2016, 05:49:53 PM
One Monday morning the mailman was driving through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.  As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.


His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine, and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.


'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night, the mailman commented.


David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from the neighbourhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Mailman thought for a moment and said, How do you play WHO AM I?'

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The mailman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Meemuh on February 28, 2016, 06:43:29 PM
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I gotta admit. He's in my top 5 of greatest actors. Still.

Shatner?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: kneescrubber on February 28, 2016, 08:07:49 PM
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I gotta admit. He's in my top 5 of greatest actors. Still.

Shatner?

 :rolf:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on March 22, 2016, 04:39:44 PM
A spaceship lands in the middle of the desert near a closed gas station.  Two aliens walk out and approach the gas pump.

First alien addresses the gas pump, "Greeting, earthling.  We have traveled very far to meet your leaders.  Please inform them of our arrival."
When the gas pump doesn't reply, he repeats more forcefully, "Earthling, please take us to your leader."
Silence.
Agitated, the alien pulls out a ray gun and points it at the pump, "Take us to your leader or I will destroy you!"
The second alien becomes alarmed and reaches to stop the first alien from shooting, but it is too late.

The first alien shoots and the massive explosion throws the two aliens far into the desert.

Sitting up, the first alien decries, "What a powerful being! How did you know not to shoot?"

The second alien replies, "After all my travels in space, I came to realize never to mess with any species that can wrap its own penis around its body twice and stick it in its own ear."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on March 22, 2016, 04:43:16 PM
Shamelessly stolen:

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired PWC Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on March 25, 2016, 02:39:05 PM

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare line.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on April 09, 2016, 06:05:12 AM
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
 
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to
see him in person."
 
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
 

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his
carry-on bag and began penciling in  the answers.
 
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords.
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He'd ask me for assistance."
   
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that
ends in 'unt'?" 

The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their
seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
 
The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself,
thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark
clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
 
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness,
  "l believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word 'aunt'"
       
"Of course!" the Pope declared, "Do you have an eraser?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on April 09, 2016, 08:48:55 AM
If the apocalypse doesn’t happen tomorrow, don’t worry. It’s not the end of the world.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on April 13, 2016, 05:22:18 AM
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to ear is going to help me.
''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
 
"1"

"2"
 
"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia , Missouri, West Virginia, and  all of Washington DC.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 17, 2016, 02:15:33 PM
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 17, 2016, 02:15:56 PM
After my recent Prostate exam at the clinic - which was one of the most thorough and intimate examinations I've ever had the Doctor left and the nurse came in.


As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....



She said...."Who was that  guy ? "
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 17, 2016, 02:21:54 PM
A group of guys, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Tunbridge Wells because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Tunbridge Wells because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.


Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Tunbridge Wells because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.


Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Tunbridge Wells because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.


Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Tunbridge Wells because they had never been there before.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 17, 2016, 02:46:32 PM
Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 17, 2016, 03:03:25 PM
Old, I know.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,”This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw – you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on May 17, 2016, 04:01:35 PM
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

True story:

I worked with a guy some years ago and we were talking in the kitchen one day about where we grew up. He spent his youth in Oaxaca and asked me where my hometown was.
"Yakima," I said. He became very enthusiastic and volleyed back "I've been to Jakima, I went to Yale there!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 20, 2016, 10:41:15 AM
News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’
He needs a calmer chameleon.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on May 21, 2016, 07:06:30 AM
visitors can't see pics , please register or login
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 21, 2016, 02:43:45 PM
Read in the paper yesterday about a man who was both a paedophile and a racist.

Well, at least some of the children are safe.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 23, 2016, 02:28:23 PM
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1."My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham

2."Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell

3."I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson

4."Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith

5."I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan 

6."Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson

7."I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney 

8."Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff 

9."Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath

10."Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes 

11."Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
 
12."I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift

13."Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith 

14."I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons 

15."Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on August 25, 2016, 05:57:44 AM
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
 The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
 The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
 The next day grandpa died.  The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
 A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
 The next day the grandmother died.
 "Holy shit!"  thought the father, "This kid is in contact with the other side."
 Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
 He practically went into shock.  He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
 He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.  He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.  Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
 When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late.  What's the matter?"
 He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
 She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.  This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Scratch on August 26, 2016, 12:01:56 AM
(Sign seen outside pub) "Technically, Alcohol IS a Solution"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on September 04, 2016, 08:13:14 AM
A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the
sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped. Long seconds dragged
on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't
there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd
stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80’s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years
now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue , and every night I'm hearing their services.

I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the
injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a
solemn voice:

B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 ..... O-72
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on September 16, 2016, 12:19:09 PM
 A Touching Golf Story .....
 
Ray stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.
 
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
 
Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'
 
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'
 
His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here'.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on September 19, 2016, 07:03:15 PM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandma, but I’m glad I came.”
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on September 28, 2016, 03:05:02 PM
A guy with a gun walks into a bar, 
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife" he snarls 
A voice was heard in the background 
"You don't have enough bullets mate "
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on September 30, 2016, 12:58:48 PM
How is airline pilot 'Sully' Sullenburger NOT like a christmas song?


He went over the woods and through the river
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 08, 2016, 03:36:06 AM
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"

Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Andrew on October 09, 2016, 09:47:13 PM
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"

Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Well  done    :smiley_thumb:

It's a low water time for the USA
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on October 10, 2016, 01:31:51 PM
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
 
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5pm. Her name is Louise. She will be the one in the white dress.
 
Let me know!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on October 10, 2016, 02:13:32 PM
 :rolf: :rolf: :rolf:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 13, 2016, 01:50:37 PM
A man tells his mate : "I'm worried I've got a green ring around my dick"
"No problem says his friend, I had a red ring around mine, went to see this doctor and he cured it.
Off he went to see the doc, shows him his dick, Doctor shakes his head and says sorry sir, we'll have to amputate . Whaaatt? Says the man aghast, you manage to cure a similar issue of a a friend of mine.
"Sir, red lip stick is one thing, gangrene is a whole lot different"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 17, 2016, 12:17:53 PM
You know something, Donald Trump's idea about building a big wall might just work.


The Chinese built one years ago. Hardly any Mexicans there.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: CLAY on October 17, 2016, 07:51:55 PM
So, Hillary Clinton could be the first f president.



Sorry, the "emale" was deleted.  (told by one of my students today...)
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 18, 2016, 03:12:14 PM
So, Hillary Clinton could be the first f president.



Sorry, the "emale" was deleted.  (told by one of my students today...)

good, very good.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on October 26, 2016, 12:39:23 AM
You know something, Donald Trump's idea about building a big wall might just work.

The Chinese built one years ago. Hardly any Mexicans there.

Papa for the win....!!!

 ;D
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 30, 2016, 04:59:26 PM
if the dog barks, it's undercooked.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on December 21, 2016, 04:27:25 PM
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now " she insisted.

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.

I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."

After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for awhile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess".
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stew71 on December 22, 2016, 05:49:56 PM
 A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

They carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on December 28, 2016, 09:53:06 PM
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the
other to Florida.  They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and
play golf.

At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight
shorts, and the legs ..."
"OK."

Ten years later at age 40 they play.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody
has a little action on the games."
"OK."

Ten years later at age 50 they play
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 60 they play
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price."
"OK"

At age 70 they play
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."

At age 80 they play
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before."
"OK"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Vulcanbill on January 03, 2017, 02:07:41 PM
Just when you thought 2016 couldn't get any worse. Wham.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bungie4 on January 03, 2017, 03:24:45 PM
Just when you thought 2016 couldn't get any worse. Wham.

icwutudidthar.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 03, 2017, 05:03:21 PM
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 11, 2017, 01:51:53 PM
 I was standing at the bar one night minding my own
business.  This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and
said, "You're kind'a cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on January 19, 2017, 08:07:15 AM
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?






















The taste.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on January 19, 2017, 08:10:17 AM
If you ever get to the stage where you think that your life is pointless and has no meaning, just remind yourself that there is somebody out there who spends all day fitting indicators to BMWs.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on January 19, 2017, 08:11:39 AM
Well done Whitney Houston!!!

Drug free for 4 years!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: radon222 on January 19, 2017, 08:29:29 AM
Well done Whitney Houston!!!

Drug free for 4 years!

OUT! 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: squeezer on January 19, 2017, 12:34:58 PM
Well done Whitney Houston!!!

Drug free for 4 years!

 :facepalm:  Out. And hellbound.
Title: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Stripes on January 24, 2017, 07:09:55 AM
The US Secret Service now has a new code phrase. When there's an active shooter near the president, instead of yelling "Mr. President, get down!" they're going to yell "Donald Duck".
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on January 24, 2017, 09:44:00 AM
Why did the bavarian call his underwear 'brosen'?

So when he was getting dressed on days he wore his lederhosen he could say "brosen before hosen."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 24, 2017, 01:15:44 PM
WOW!
That's genuinely bad.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 26, 2017, 02:23:18 PM
 God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something  for Me.'
 Adam said, 'gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'
 God said, Go down into that valley.'
  Adam said 'what's a valley?'
  God explained it to him. 
  Then God said, 'cross  the river.'
  Adam  said, 'what's a river?'
  God  explained that To  him, and then said, 'go over to the hill....'
  Adam  said, 'what is a hill?'
  So,  God explained to Adam what a hill was.
  He told Adam, 'on The other side of the Hill  you will find a cave.'
  Adam  said, 'What's a cave?'
  After  God explained, He said, in the cave you will find a woman.'
  Adam  said, 'what's a woman?'
  So  God explained that to him, too.
  Then,  God said, 'I want  you to reproduce.'
  Adam  said, 'how do I do that?'
  God  first said (under His  breath), 'geez.....'
  And then, just  like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
  So,  Adam goes down into the  valley, across  the river, and over  the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
  Then, in about  five minutes, he was back.     
  God, His  patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'what is it now?'
  And  Adam said....
 
 'What's a headache?'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: smoker on January 26, 2017, 06:55:03 PM
Actual lol at that one...
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: MrsCablebandit on February 14, 2017, 12:02:45 PM
What do farmers give their wives for Valentine's Day?





Hogs and kisses.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on February 14, 2017, 02:04:24 PM
Oh dear.

You failed your driving test.

But look on the bright side, at least you acquired a fence and two pedestrians!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on March 08, 2017, 05:17:36 AM
Archie is lying in a hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
Through his mask, Archie struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, the nurse overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on March 08, 2017, 06:34:05 AM
After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
Then the nurse came in. 
As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:

'Who Was That?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on March 08, 2017, 06:44:52 AM
I was very sad when the old man died. As was my mother, obviously.




My father was a bit surprised, as he didn't realise I had bought an old man.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Dan K on March 08, 2017, 12:46:38 PM
A Spanish speaking magician tells his audience, " I will disappear on the count of three."

He starts his count.. "Uno... Dos... " And then he disappears, without a tres.

 :bigok:

Made me laugh.

 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: I'm NOT Carl on March 16, 2017, 09:50:07 AM
High School Freshman: "Mr. Marching band director, what is the difference between a guitar and a bass guitar?"

Marching Band Director: "A Bass Guitar will burn longer."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: I'm NOT Carl on March 16, 2017, 09:51:22 AM
A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student. The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string. Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string. The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is. The kid picks up and says, "Oh, sorry man, I got a gig..."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: I'm NOT Carl on March 16, 2017, 09:52:15 AM
Q: What's the difference between a dog driving a car and a trombonist driving a car?
A: The dog may be on his way to a gig.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: I'm NOT Carl on March 16, 2017, 09:53:39 AM
How do you know a drummer is at your door?

The knocking gets faster and faster.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: I'm NOT Carl on March 16, 2017, 09:57:43 AM
Why do drummers leave their drum sticks on the dashboard?

So they can use handicapped parking.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: I'm NOT Carl on March 16, 2017, 09:58:06 AM
Why do basses have 4 strings?

3 are spares.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on March 17, 2017, 07:48:46 AM
How do you know a drummer is at your door?

The knocking gets faster and faster, and he never knows when to come in.

There, FTFY.
LT
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on March 17, 2017, 07:49:40 AM
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

6.    1 to do it and 5 to say they could do it better.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on March 17, 2017, 07:50:36 AM
What does it mean when there is drool leaking out of both sides of the drummers mouth?

Drum riser is level.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on March 17, 2017, 07:51:21 AM
How many vocalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1.   they hold it up and the world revolves around them.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on March 17, 2017, 07:52:09 AM
What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on March 17, 2017, 07:52:58 AM
What do they call people who hang out with musicians?

Bass player.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on March 17, 2017, 07:55:06 AM
What's the difference between an accordion smashed in the road and a skunk smashed in the road?

There's skid marks in front of the skunk.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: I'm NOT Carl on March 17, 2017, 08:21:21 AM
How do you get a drummer off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on March 17, 2017, 08:25:31 AM
What do you call a drummer in a 3 piece suit?

The Defendant
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on March 19, 2017, 03:21:09 PM
what do you call someone who hangs out with violinists? a viola player. (sorry).
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on March 31, 2017, 09:28:38 AM
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the Edinburgh zoo.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
At an interview: “What is your greatest weakness?” “Honesty.” “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.” “I don’t give a fuck what you think.”
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today.
Midget Psychic escapes jail. Small medium at large.
Regular sex will make your day, but anal sex will make your hole weak.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere…
“This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”
What’s the difference between my ex and the Titanic? The Titanic only went down on 1,000 people
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass.
A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh”. The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s only got little legs.
“I stand corrected”, said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
Wanna hear a joke about Potassium? K.
Why shouldn’t you hire a midget as a chef?The steaks are too high
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes \*whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” \*whack*
A baby seal walks into a club.
Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
What do you call a french man in sandals? Phelipe Phalop.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is
An agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog.
Diarrhea is hereditary … It runs in your jeans.
What do you call an epileptic person in a garden? Seizure salad.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic’s Association
Two scientists walk into a bar. One says “I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I’ll have an H2O, too.” He died.
What’s the purpose of reindeer? To make the grass grow sweetie
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
What does every tickle-me elmo get before it leaves the factory? Two test tickles.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A cant opener
“Torture me” said the masochist. “No”, the sadist smiled!
Velcro. What a rip-off.
A grasshopper sits down at the bar. The bartender says ‘hey, I gotta drink named after you.’ The grasshopper says ‘you have a drink named Steve..? ‘
When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
All in all…. it was a good orgy.
Say what you want about deaf people…
A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”
Have you heard about the new pillows made out of corduroy? They’re making headlines.
Im reading a book on anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.
So a blind man walks into a bar, a bus stop and a fence.
Polygamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.
When you mix alcohol and literature, you get Tequila Mockingbird
My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. Never, ever talked about it though.
I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
How are broccoli and anal sex similar? If you’re forced to have it as a kid, you probably won’t like it as an adult
Two drums and a pair of cymbals fall off a cliff………..Budum tssshh!!!
What do you call the little Irish man that lives on your porch? Patty O’Furniture
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things to her. ”………..dishes
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Stationery store moves
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral? Nothing.
An elf, a man, and a wizard walk into a bar. The hobbit laughs as he walks under it.
How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
Pedophiles are like tortoises, they both want to get there before the hair.
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot.
A chicken and an egg were in bed together when the egg turned to the chicken and said, “Well, that answers that question…”
Cunnilingus is a bit of a mouthful
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: ‘that’s a little condescending’
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on April 04, 2017, 07:40:53 PM

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to  the balcony."

 "So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"

"Well", said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

 "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
 
 "I know, I know, my son, but the flashing neon sign 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' really has to go."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on April 10, 2017, 10:54:15 AM

 
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.
 
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
 
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
 
"We're getting granite counter tops.....
 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: miles on April 10, 2017, 11:55:32 AM

 
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.
 
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
 
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
 
"We're getting granite counter tops.....



http://youtu.be/PkC9eyV8_eM (http://youtu.be/PkC9eyV8_eM)
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bungie4 on April 10, 2017, 03:49:47 PM
[url]http://youtu.be/PkC9eyV8_eM[/url] ([url]http://youtu.be/PkC9eyV8_eM[/url])


I don't get it. Better have a nice place to eat than ride HD's chick bike :D
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on April 12, 2017, 11:29:59 PM
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit  will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: PatM on April 13, 2017, 01:01:22 PM
Pregnancy & Walking on the Grass

The  room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. 

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is  especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.  Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces,  like a grass path."

"Gentlemen,  remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with  her.  In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room  suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few  moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: miles on April 17, 2017, 09:25:44 AM
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see, Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see, Size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on April 19, 2017, 07:52:44 PM
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?" her mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: miles on May 06, 2017, 09:25:47 PM
Husband takes his wife to her high school reunion.
 
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
 
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
 
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 20 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
 
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 08, 2017, 03:18:08 AM
how may perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?






one - but it takes an expert medical team to remove it afterwards.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on May 15, 2017, 07:44:28 PM
A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband stalking about with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing", she asked.
"Hunting flies", he said.
"Oh, killing any"?
"Yep, three males, and two females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart"?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the 'phone".
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: MrsCablebandit on May 22, 2017, 02:50:48 PM
What do you call the half-man, half-horse who wants everyone to notice him?





The centaur of attention!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: MrsCablebandit on May 23, 2017, 09:45:31 AM
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?





Because the P is silent!  8)
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 28, 2017, 10:49:46 AM
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: xsrider on May 28, 2017, 12:23:26 PM
Famous Quotes on Sex
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
 
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
 
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)     

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
 
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
 
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers


Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
 
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips
 
 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on May 28, 2017, 05:28:53 PM
I'm not sure that belongs in the 'bad joke' thread.  Most of em are pretty good!!

But, the last one, is from Emo Phillips, not "Elmo".
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: CLAY on May 28, 2017, 09:42:05 PM
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

^All the requirements of a great joke.  :rolf:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on August 01, 2017, 02:56:31 PM
The friars were behind on their belfry payments.
They always sold some of the wine they made, but selling much more would be a sacrifice they'd rather not endure.
They knew quite a bit about horticulture from running their vineyard, so they thought they could use that to grow flowers to sell.
Their first batch of flowers were nice, but not good enough to open a florist shop.  The friars were pretty sure they could do better with some fertilizer.  Instead of buying fertilizer, they decided to buy some animals that would distribute their fertilizer in the field of flowers.
They bought some chickens, and the flowers did better.
They bought some rabbits, and the flowers did better.
They bought some geese, the flowers did even better.
They bought some sheep - only females to ensure the population didn't grow to more than they could feed (they learned this lesson from the rabbits). 
The female sheep ate the flowers!!

So remember: Ewe, and only ewe, can prevent florist friars.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 21, 2017, 03:52:18 PM
A duck walks into an employment agency and asks if there's any work.

The agent takes one look at him and says he'll call the duck back.

20 minutes later, the duck's phone rings. It's the agency.

"Hey, I've found you a brilliant job in show biz! The money is great and you start tomorrow?"

...."And what good is that for a plumber?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 22, 2017, 09:42:12 AM
My wife is really angry with me for painting a tiger face on my 6 year old daughter.

She made me close the coffin for the funeral.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 22, 2017, 02:21:03 PM
Last week, I managed to get the money together to order the time machine that I always wanted.

Ordered on Amazon Prime, delivered (finally) today.

It arrived outside my house on the truck.

The driver unloaded it but it fell over and smashed to bits.

Oh no, not again.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 22, 2017, 03:24:48 PM
It was April and the Aborigines in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bungie4 on August 23, 2017, 06:49:47 AM
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

Out!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on August 23, 2017, 02:40:22 PM
The Oldest Lawyer

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" ."That's my business! Get me the course!" .Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. .Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. .Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?" .In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 23, 2017, 02:42:47 PM
 :rolf:

Although I thought my time machine joke was pretty good..
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on September 05, 2017, 11:57:51 PM
I saw a news report that a midget got pick-pocketed on Main Street in broad daylight!
How could anyone stoop so low?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 21, 2017, 03:15:41 AM
An 80 year old man was arrested for shop lifting. When he went before the judge he asked him, "What did you steal?"

He replied: "A can of peaches".

The judge asked him why he had stolen them and he replied that he was hungry.

The judge then asked him how many peaches were in the can.

He replied "6".

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the man's wife spoke up and asked the judge if she could say something.

The Judge said, "What is it?"

The wife said "He also stole a can of peas"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 26, 2017, 03:07:16 PM
I was in the pub last week with a few friends and was telling the old joke "What would you do if you saw someone having an epileptic fit in the bath" and the answer is "throw in the washing".

We were laughing when this huge bloke taps me on the shoulder and said "I don't think that's funny, my brother died whilst having an epileptic fit in the bath"

"Oh sorry" I said, "Did he drown?",








"no" he replied "He choked on a sock"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: CLAY on October 27, 2017, 05:00:03 PM
^  :rolf:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: st2sam on October 28, 2017, 07:11:19 PM
While reading an article last  night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness.  He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't.  I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! 
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.  He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so drunk I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: st2sam on October 28, 2017, 07:16:02 PM

Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. 
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on November 19, 2017, 05:50:12 AM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on fuel and farkles for your motorcycle?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man.  "I haven't ridden a bike in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money.  Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay.  It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drink and motorcycles."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: kneescrubber on November 19, 2017, 09:41:42 AM
 :lol:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on November 19, 2017, 05:49:21 PM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on fuel and farkles for your motorcycle?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man.  "I haven't ridden a bike in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money.  Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay.  It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drink and motorcycles."
I've never wanted to make an embroidery sampler before...
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on November 23, 2017, 04:15:48 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.      'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said,      'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize ?'
The Irishman replied,
'These are Carols.'
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 07, 2017, 01:25:17 PM
I went to the pub and had a couple of pints.

The Griso thudded away like it does.

After a drink or two, I thought a bottle of whisky would be nice. To take home.

So, I stopped off a bought a bottle of Laphroiag.

I put it in a saddle bag.

Then I thought: what if I fall off? I'll break it.

So I drank the entire bottle.

Which was really lucky, as I fell off six times on the way home.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Andrew on December 07, 2017, 08:18:18 PM
Winner   /\ /\ /\ /\   

Now that's a christmas story I can relate to
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on December 18, 2017, 08:44:23 PM
Naughty little Benny stole the Rabbi's gold watch.
That night, he kept thinking about the watch and couldn't sleep. So, the next morning he skipped breakfast and went to the Rabbi's office before school.
"Rabbi, I stole a gold watch."
"Benny, that's a big sin. You must return it to the owner immediately."
"Do you want it?"
"No, I said return it to its owner."
"But he doesn't want it."
"Ah, in that case, you can keep it."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on January 05, 2018, 06:50:16 AM
A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand
new Porsche Cayenne advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a confident looking young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray
Ban sunglasses and a Yves St. Laurent tie, leans out of the window and asks
the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his
peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answers,
"Sure! This I gotta see!"
The yuppie parks the SUV, whips out his palm pilot, connects it to a
cellphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet. On the NASA page he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans
the area, and then opens up a database. It has some 60 Excel spreadsheets,
each with complex
formulas. Finally he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech
miniaturized printer, turns to our shepherd and says:
"You have here ... exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"Unbelievable! That's correct. As I agreed, you can take one of the
sheep,"says the shepherd.
He watches as the young man makes a selection and bundles it into his SUV.
Then the shepherd says,
"If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep
back?"
"Okay, sounds fair," answers the sleek, well-dressed young man.
"You are a consultant," says the shepherd, emphatically.
"That's correct!", exclaims the yuppie consultant, "How did you know that?"
"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here, although nobody called for
you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question that I already knew
the answer to. And finally, you know nothing about my business. Now give me
back my dog."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: viffergyrl on January 05, 2018, 08:26:34 AM
Oh I'm saving that one.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on January 06, 2018, 12:14:36 PM
A man and a woman were having a romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress noticed the woman slowly slide down her chair, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid totally out of sight under the tablecloth... Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué, went over to the table and, tactfully said to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I noticed that your wife has slid under the table.  Is there a problem?”
The man calmly looked up at her, gave a weak smile and said: "The problem is...  my wife just walked in."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 08, 2018, 12:07:44 PM
Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

The nurse, his wife, daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks that 2 witnesses be present and a camcorder in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"To my son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the east bank of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize the extent of his real estate holdings, and as Mr. Smith slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have worked very hard to have accumulated so much property".

To which the wife replied, "The a$$-hole had a paper route."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on January 11, 2018, 02:29:33 PM
A man goes to visit his doctor,
"Doc, I've got a rather embarassing problem, my farts just don't sound right,"
"Well how do they sound?" enquires the doctor.
"They make a HONDA sound"
The doctor looks puzzled, "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"
"Well I also have a terrible boil on my arse," replies the man
The doctor looks pleased, "Thats it then. We'll lance that boil and you'll see a difference immediately,"
"Why's that then, Doc?" asks the man
"It's well known," laughs the Doctor, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 11, 2018, 07:58:50 PM
 :facepalm:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on March 04, 2018, 03:57:35 AM
Doctor, I think I'm a moth.


Then you need to see the psychiatrist next door.


I would have but your light was on.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on April 24, 2018, 01:55:56 AM
A man attending a funeral asks the widow,  "Do you mind if I say a word?"

The widow says, "Please do".

The man then clears his throat and says, "Plethora!"

The widow says, "Thank you. That means a lot."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on May 03, 2018, 11:57:47 AM
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job.  The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms !"

"No matter," said the man.  "Observe !"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,
drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

"Bishop, who was this man ?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

" ................... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due
to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued
his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday.  I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in
this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened ?  Who is this man ?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but.."
.
.
.
.
.
"HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER!"


 

 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 03, 2018, 01:43:46 PM
no. please  stop.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 20, 2018, 01:34:02 PM
What four legged animal helps pollination?















Most of a bee.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 21, 2018, 11:54:39 AM
What do you call an alien with no eyes?




















Alen
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on June 23, 2018, 01:50:48 PM
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks the son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, “I did some school work.”

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “Ok, ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”

Son says, “Toy Story.”

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, “Ok, ok. We were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”

The robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son. Just like you, darling!”

The robot slaps the mother.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on July 09, 2018, 11:52:17 PM
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million . . . and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary . . ."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on July 24, 2018, 08:54:47 AM
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth arrive at the Pearly Gates on the same day.
Saint Peter says: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy for a reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen quietly walked to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was shocked and asked, "What was that all about?!? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted?!?  Would you explain that to me?” "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on July 25, 2018, 10:03:31 PM
Her:  Undress me with your words
Him:  There's a spider in your bra
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: squeezer on July 25, 2018, 10:49:22 PM
^^^
Out.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on July 27, 2018, 01:11:44 PM
One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his motorcycle in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that weʼre married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage.
You probably should consider selling your bike and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time.
And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it.
I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment..."
And whatʼs the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied, “I wasn't..."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on July 27, 2018, 01:22:33 PM
beaten to it by hippnogsis
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on July 27, 2018, 01:59:53 PM
By the law of probability, it is certain that chimpanzees randomly hitting typewrite  keys will, by chance, eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare.






Except the internet now shows this to be untrue.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: miles on July 27, 2018, 08:30:19 PM
By the law of probability, it is certain that chimpanzees randomly hitting typewrite  keys will, by chance, eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare.






Except the internet now shows this to be untrue.


I have said on many occasions that comments sections of news sites disprove the million monkeys theory.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on July 27, 2018, 10:32:37 PM
Perhaps we just need more monkeys?

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Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on July 31, 2018, 02:56:33 PM
I can't think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.

Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on July 31, 2018, 03:22:04 PM
I make no apologies for this one. But I probably should.


Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are a paedophile, but you just haven't met the right child yet?




















Please would someone get to the next page? Please?

Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on July 31, 2018, 05:13:03 PM
An elderly man in Louisiana owned a farm with a large pond in the back. 

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a picnic table and some apple and peach trees.

One evening he headed to the pond with a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. 

It was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Old guys are sharp, yunow.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: I'm NOT Carl on July 31, 2018, 08:19:02 PM

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a whiz?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on July 31, 2018, 08:50:19 PM

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a whiz?

Because they're all dead?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on July 31, 2018, 08:50:57 PM
Which mythical monster does not have a reflection?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: miles on July 31, 2018, 10:19:26 PM
Which mythical monster does not have a reflection?


All of them.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on July 31, 2018, 10:23:46 PM
Which mythical monster does not have a reflection?


All of them.

Winner, winner...
visitors can't see pics , please register or login
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 04, 2018, 01:49:05 AM
I went to the cinema once to see Lord of the Rings and was surprised to see a dog in the row in-front watching it. He sat with his owner and howled at the sad stuff and barked at the exciting stuff.


At the end I told his owner how amazed I was that the dog enjoyed it so much.


“So am I” replied his owner. “He hated the book.”
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: st2sam on August 06, 2018, 05:04:40 PM
IS SEX WORK:

 A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
 staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
 colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

 He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
 he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the
 question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was
 "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work .

 A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
 favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the
 time.

 There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
 charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

 Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
 100% pleasure."

 The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

 "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
 doing it for them."

 The room fell silent.

 God Bless the enlisted man.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stevent on August 08, 2018, 09:33:16 AM
A guy out for a drive in the country came across a sign saying "Talking Dog For Sale $20."
He stopped to take a look and found a ratty old guy in a rocker with an even rattier old black lab at his feet.
So that's a talking dog eh? said the prospective customer
Yep, that's the one replied the old guy, ask him something
He did and the dog replied "of course I can talk, I learned when I was in a CIA puppy mill.
Wow, said the guy that's amazing!.. "Yes, said the dog.. they used to have me wander around the embassy when foreign dignitaries were there so I could eves drop on them, then I'd report back. One time I spent the night with Mr & Mrs Gorbachev, I was given to Fidel Castro as a gift to listen in on his plans, I sat at the Chinese ambassador feet during negotiations, I learned  all kinds of things and reported back to them"..
Wow, and you only want $20. for the dog?
That's right said the old guy, the dogs full of shit! he never did any of those things, he's lived here all his life!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on August 16, 2018, 09:42:09 AM
Three guys are out on a boat for a day of fishing.
After a bit, they find that they have 4 cigarettes but no lighter or matches.
They look at each other for a while wondering what to do.
They guy with a physics degree tosses one of the cigarettes overboard.
Another guy asks "What the hell did you do THAT for?!?"
"Because now, the whole boat is 'a cigarette lighter'. "
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on September 15, 2018, 08:36:54 AM
What's really thick and lives on a globe?

















A flat Earther.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on October 11, 2018, 11:34:38 AM
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?



An Eliphino..
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 21, 2018, 02:49:59 AM
 I've lost the dictionary


 -Can you look upstairs?


I can't look up anything
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on October 21, 2018, 12:08:44 PM
While riding my motorcycle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the bike, I guess."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on November 03, 2018, 09:49:30 PM
When life gives you dilemmas

You make

delemmonade
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on November 17, 2018, 02:14:40 AM
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on November 17, 2018, 02:37:09 AM
How many grammar nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

















Too
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on November 24, 2018, 11:13:20 AM
My stolen sofa has finally been recovered. Hopefully, the people I took it from won't recognise it now.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stevent on November 26, 2018, 11:26:00 AM
A young man came home from school and proudly told his dad he had sex with a hot young teacher..

Good for you son, said the father! that's every young mans fantasy.. would you like me to buy you a new bicycle or something to celebrate?

If it's all the same to you dad, said the boy, I'd rather have a football, my ass is still pretty sore...
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stevent on November 26, 2018, 11:45:19 AM
A young lady from the Philadelphia Examiner gets sent to an Indian village to get a story.
The first person she see's has a feather in his head band so she asks him what it means?
He replies, "I'm a brave, I fucked one woman"
Oh my heavens she replies, she see's another fellow with four feathers and asks him the same question,
He replies, "I'm warrior, I fucked four women"
Oh my goodness she replies, She sees a man with a whole head dress full of feathers and figures she'll get a straight answer this time so she asks him the same question,
"I'M Chief", he replies "I fucked all the women".. Oh dear! she says..
"No, no deer! ass too high and they run too fast"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on December 06, 2018, 02:38:06 PM
 A Idahoan went hunting one day and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies. The game warden ordered the Idahoan to show his hunting license, and the Idahoan pulled out a valid Idaho hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, “This duck ain’t from Idaho. This is a Montana duck. You got a Montana huntin’ license, boy?” The  Idahoan reached into his wallet and produced a Montana hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said, “This ain’t no Montana duck. This duck’s from Oregon . You got a Oregon license?” The Idahoan reached into wallet and produced a Oregon hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said,

“This ain’t no Oregon duck. This here duck’s from Washington . You got a Washington huntin’ license?” Again the Idahoan reached into his wallet and brought out a Washington hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Idahoan,

“Just where the hell are you from?”

The Idahoan turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,
“You tell me, you’re the expert.”
 :razz:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 06, 2018, 02:59:32 PM
why shouldn't you eat tinsel?


















it gives you tinsellitis, silly
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 07, 2018, 12:28:37 AM
A young cowboy walks into the pub.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of soup.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately vomits up the soup back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 12, 2018, 12:08:02 AM
What has two legs and bleeds?


























Half a dog.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on December 13, 2018, 09:14:58 AM
During a revival at a small Southern Church, the preacher was pounding the pulpit and preaching against the evils of adultery, then smoking and then gluttony.
A little old lady was on her feet saying loudly "AMEN, PREACHER!", "AMEN BROTHER!", to everything he preached against.
He then prophesied on the evils of alcohol.  The little old lady became silent and sat down.
After services, he approached her; "Sister Johnson, there for a while, you was agreeing with everything I said, then I got to whisky and you became silent... Why?"
"Well, Brother, for a while you was preaching real good. But when you talked about how bad wine and whiskey was, you quit preaching, and went to meddling."
Title: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Stripes on December 16, 2018, 09:01:05 PM
I wen't to see my urologist last week. He was on vacation so his new partner saw me. She turned out to be drop-dead-gorgeous. She took one look at me and said "You have to stop masturbating!"... I asked "Why?"....
She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on December 18, 2018, 05:04:33 PM
An undertaker came home with a black eye.
"Oh My! What happened?!?'' asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day,'' he replies.  "I had to pick up a man who had died in his sleep at a hotel. When I got there, the police were in the coffee shop across the street and said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had a huge erection.
I went to the room and, sure enough, there's this big guy, lying naked on the bed with a huge erection. So I did what I always do."
"What's that?" asked the wife.
"I grabbed it with both hands and bent it in half."
"I see.'' says his wife. ''But how did you get the black eye?
He replies, ''Wrong room!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on December 19, 2018, 06:14:55 PM
Always ask, never assume...

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the
valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'

 'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight
instructor?'
Title: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Stripes on December 19, 2018, 07:18:26 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Andrew on December 19, 2018, 10:12:21 PM
Nice one Flyer  :bigok:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 20, 2018, 12:36:49 PM
Stolen. or, Stollen, coz it's Christmas.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on January 03, 2019, 11:05:39 PM
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monégasque, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, an Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

all go to a nightclub ..................................

The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on January 11, 2019, 08:39:30 AM
A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
When asked if he'd like a drink, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage
of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then  said loudly and quickly, "Change mine to that too, Ma'am! I didn't know we had that choice."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on January 12, 2019, 09:57:26 PM
An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on March 09, 2019, 10:17:57 AM
If electricity takes the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike France?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on March 18, 2019, 01:15:43 PM
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bungie4 on March 19, 2019, 06:54:23 AM
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Side note: Parts of 119 rock.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on March 19, 2019, 01:39:18 PM
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

" Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the MCG. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and do their business in the bushes - right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a little chainsaw that my dear departed, forestry worker, husband left behind. Each time someone pees into the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop."OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on March 25, 2019, 01:54:28 AM
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, & good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy shit!" thought the father, "This kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on April 28, 2019, 02:37:43 PM
A farmer named Clyde was hit on his tractor by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy, hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I was taking my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details!", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question... please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had Bessie in the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road to..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was 'just fine'. Now, he's trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

The Judge scowlled at the lawyer and said, "He's tried to tell you twice now that the answer has something to do with his favorite cow, Bessie.  And I'd like to hear what he has to say".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had Bessie, my favorite cow, in the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He must have heard Bessie moaning and groaning, because he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her to put her out of her misery.
Then, the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now, you tell me, what the heck would you say?!?"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on April 28, 2019, 03:32:21 PM
Out.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bungie4 on April 28, 2019, 03:42:48 PM
Ha! Outx2
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on April 30, 2019, 11:57:36 AM
The judge said to the defendant, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a Hammer.”
A man shouts from the back of the courtroom ”You bastard!”
The judge says to the defendant “You are also charged with beating your mother in law to death with a hammer.”
From the back of the courtroom, the man shouts “You dirty, rotten bastard!”
The judge looks at the man that yelled out and says “I understand that you are upset, but if you interrupt one more time, I will hold you in contempt of court.”
The guy stands up and says “I’m sorry, your honor, but I have lived next door to him for fifteen years and every time that I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on June 05, 2019, 04:08:29 PM
My friend Brian has two tickets to this year's IOM TT senior race

Unfortunately for him, he bought them months ago-before he booked his wedding. Oh dear. The wedding and the race are both on the same day.









So-if anybody is interested in getting married.... 
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on June 11, 2019, 09:35:46 AM
A mother and son were flying on Spirit Airlines.
The boy was very talkative, including asking random questions; Why is the sky blue?  What are clouds made of?
The mother did her best to answer him honestly and tactfully.
When the boy asked; Dogs and cats have babies, do airplanes have babies?, the mother was unable to answer him. So she told him to ask the flight attendant.  And he did!
She looked at the boy a cpl seconds, then looked at the mother - who was obviously embarrassed.
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" she asked.  They boy said, "Yes."
She smirked a bit, the said "I can only answer for Spirit Airlines, and Spirit doesn't have babies because Spitit always pulls out on time...  Now your mother can try to explain that to you."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on June 20, 2019, 09:29:11 AM
Two elderly ladies are catching up after one returned from a long trip.
"Eleanor is finally at peace."
"Oh my, I'm sorry, I did not know she had died."
"Oh, Eleanor is very well. Her husband passed. And he had good insurance."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Max Wedge on June 20, 2019, 09:57:19 AM
Wife asked if she was the only one I have slept with.
I told her yes, all the others were nines or tens.

Please send funds to my gofundme account to cover hospital bills.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on July 03, 2019, 03:30:49 PM
Taking a dog called "Shark" to the beach wasn't such a good idea.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on July 05, 2019, 08:48:50 AM
A mother visits her son who has a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was and how well they got along.
It made her suspicious of a relationship between the two of them and she watched the two interact  for any clues.
Reading his mother's thoughts, the son volunteered a disclaimer, “I know what you must be thinking Mom, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate asked; “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver  serving spoon. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said, "Well, I doubt it... but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote:  "Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you took the silver serving spoon from my house, but the fact is that it's missing since you were here for dinner.
Love, Your Son."

His mother replied with:  "Dear Son; I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with your gorgeous roommate,
but the fact is if she were sleeping in her OWN BED, she would have found the serving spoon,
under her pillow…
Love; Mom."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on July 05, 2019, 10:59:58 AM
 :lol:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: minimac on July 09, 2019, 06:23:16 AM
Where did Captain Hook get his Hooks?  At the second hand store.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on July 10, 2019, 05:46:06 AM
^^^^^
Award-winningly “bad”...
 :fitz:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on July 11, 2019, 08:18:12 AM
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone, for ten years.
One day, out of the surf comes someone wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.  They stand up when they got to shallow water and he can see it's a woman!  She takes off her scuba equipment and mask; she's a gorgeous blonde!
She says to him, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!” he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! That is good!”
Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She unzips a pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then, she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?” The man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got a motorcycle in there!”
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on July 12, 2019, 12:47:23 AM
The Big Corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of any dead wood.

On a tour of the factory and warehouses, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $500 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $2,000 in cash, and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that idiot did here?"









From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's!"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on July 13, 2019, 09:08:46 AM
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the  South Wales back country.

As I was not familiar with the back roads I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral director had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on July 21, 2019, 09:38:37 PM
It's the first day of school, and the teacher is getting acquainted with her second-grade class. She tells them "You're in second grade now: you're getting to the age where you should quit using 'baby talk" and use more grown-up speech".
She then asked them to share what they did on their summer vacation.

One boy starts by saying "I got to ride a choo-choo!"

The teacher  says, "That sounds like fun, Johnny- but it's more grown up to say 'I rode a train".

Next a little girl shares "We went to see my Grammy!" Teacher says "That's wonderful to spend time with family- but you might start calling her Grandmother, or Grandma".

Another boy says "I read a book!" Teacher says "Billy, that's wonderful, reading on your summer vacation! What book did you read?"

He stops a moment to think, then replies "Winnie the Shit".
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on July 23, 2019, 08:55:19 AM
I've figured out why you don't see Dodge Omni's anymore.
They were doomed from the start.
Because...
Onmivores!
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 16, 2019, 12:56:58 PM
What do you call a hen staring at a lettuce?















Chicken sees a salad
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 16, 2019, 12:58:33 PM
Statistically five in every one people are Russian Dolls.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 16, 2019, 12:59:04 PM
My dad always used to say 'as one door closes, another one opens'.










Which is why he drowned in a submarine.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Baxter on October 14, 2019, 05:24:05 PM
Sometimes I say to myself that I should stop drinking.  But why would I want to take advice from a drunk who talks to himself?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Baxter on October 16, 2019, 05:17:51 PM
Apparently I'm allergic to food.  I swell up every time I eat.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Baxter on October 17, 2019, 09:09:30 PM
I went in to have my allergies tested.  The doc came back and said there's good news and bad news.

The good news is that I'm only allergic to two things.

The bad news is that the two things are the outdoors and the indoors.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on October 18, 2019, 02:19:52 PM
Last night I was woke up by the sound of pounding.  It was my neighbor, pounding on his own door.
After 5 minutes of it, I put on my robe and went over.  I told him "He's not home..."  He looked at me blankly for a minute or two, then he left.
As I walked home, I wondered how drunk you gotta be to forget you live alone, and I wondered where the hell he went.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on October 18, 2019, 02:50:27 PM
a young woman saw an ancient man on a rocking chair on his porch. she asked him what the secret of his longevity was.

"A case of whisky each week and 40 cigarettes a day", he said.

Astonished, she said, "How old are you?"


















"26"
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Guy on October 19, 2019, 07:27:38 AM
The Swedish are starting to add bar codes to all their military ships, that way when they come into harbor, they can Scandinavian.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: mr.awesome on October 19, 2019, 08:15:39 AM
The Swedish are starting to add bar codes to all their military ships, that way when they come into harbor, they can Scandinavian.

 :facepalm:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on October 23, 2019, 08:52:03 AM
visitors can't see pics , please register or login
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on November 01, 2019, 03:00:47 PM
What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?



They don’t hang themselves.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on November 06, 2019, 04:31:30 AM
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the
ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

 "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea
what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
 
The woman below responded, "You must be a politician"
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
 
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen
to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea
how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on November 15, 2019, 02:07:13 PM
David was a victum of ID theft.

So...

Now he's Dav
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on November 20, 2019, 08:10:32 AM
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing

 :naughty:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on November 20, 2019, 08:10:57 AM
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting? :confused:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on December 10, 2019, 08:20:12 PM
I taught my dog to read
Only to find out it's dyslexic
And now...
it thinks it's God
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on December 16, 2019, 12:11:38 PM
Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping in a very busy York . The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his mobile.


The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."


He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"


Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…


"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.


"Well I am in the bike shop next door."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on January 09, 2020, 05:28:35 AM
Before surgery, the anesthetist said he could knock me out with gas or a paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Baxter on February 07, 2020, 02:10:05 PM
For Big Bang Theory fans:

Newton's Fourth Law of Motion:

An object dropped from a workbench is attracted to the nearest inaccessible location.

Baxter's Corollary to Newton's Fourth Law of Motion:

The force attracting an object dropped from a workbench to the nearest inaccessible location increases exponentially with the difficulty of replacing the object.

Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Leanintree on February 08, 2020, 03:20:04 PM
True story.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Baxter on February 08, 2020, 11:38:29 PM
That's why there's window screen mesh duct taped over the floor drain next to my basement workbench.   ;)
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Andrew on February 10, 2020, 08:27:56 PM
For Big Bang Theory fans:

Newton's Fourth Law of Motion:

An object dropped from a workbench is attracted to the nearest inaccessible location.

Baxter's Corollary to Newton's Fourth Law of Motion:

The force attracting an object dropped from a workbench to the nearest inaccessible location increases exponentially with the difficulty of replacing the object.

The law of toolcentrisity: if a tool or fastener falls it will always fall to the center, under the vehicle or the hardest place to reach. 
Long held belief of seasoned mechanics.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on February 21, 2020, 12:38:53 AM
Her: What do you do?

Me: I race motorcycles.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the motorcycles are much faster.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stevent on February 21, 2020, 10:00:41 AM
A fellow goes to town and gets propositioned by an attractive young lady, she says she'll give him a hand job for $20. That's a lot of money he says, so she points to the Ferrari next to the curb and says I bought that with money from hand jobs. He goes for it and is amazed how good it was.

A few days later he sees her again and she offers a blow job for $50. he says that's a lot of money. She points to the beautiful mansion up the road and says I bought that with money from blow jobs, again he goes for it and is staggered how good she was.

The next time he sees her he says, you know that other stuff was great, how much for a fuck? She laughs and says Hell if I had a pussy I'd be a millionaire by now !
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: stevent on February 21, 2020, 01:21:19 PM
Uh-Oh.....
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: st2sam on March 14, 2020, 06:08:37 PM
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'


Why I won't spend a ton of money on one. :bigsmile:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Knobnose on March 14, 2020, 07:25:34 PM
I only spent about a third of that, but the result was similar.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: bedlamite on March 14, 2020, 08:27:48 PM
You know, pandemic humor just isn't funny.








...until everyone gets it.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: coho on March 14, 2020, 08:28:57 PM
You know, pandemic humor just isn't funny.








...until everyone gets it.

Out.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on March 15, 2020, 02:26:19 AM
out. best one for ages.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on March 15, 2020, 08:08:42 PM
What has 9 arms and sucks?

--
--
Def Leopard
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on March 16, 2020, 07:55:24 AM
Britain doesn’t have a kidney bank,
but they do have a Liverpool.

Bad enough for ya?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Vulcanbill on March 16, 2020, 08:16:44 AM
You know, pandemic humor just isn't funny.








...until everyone gets it.

 :snork: :willy: :lol:
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on March 20, 2020, 10:39:16 AM
Does masturbation cause stuttering?
a asking  f f f for a a  f f f friend
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on March 22, 2020, 06:54:31 AM
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, “What’s less?”

The guy says “I don’t know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it.”
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on March 26, 2020, 01:51:05 AM
Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: zer0netgain on March 26, 2020, 04:18:46 AM
Some are already branding them Corona Kids.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on March 26, 2020, 10:48:57 AM
Some are already branding them Corona Kids.
I heard coronials
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on April 12, 2020, 12:14:42 PM
I was out fishing when I ran out of bait,I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog .

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two more frogs.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on May 10, 2020, 05:38:08 AM
Knock knock




Who's there?





Your grandfather. And stop the bloody funeral.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on June 02, 2020, 08:44:13 PM
Why do boy-scouts knock on the fridge door before opening it?





In case there's a salad dressing
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on June 20, 2020, 04:38:02 AM
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on June 20, 2020, 08:12:09 AM
Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on June 26, 2020, 08:55:52 AM
A riding buddy tried 'tuning up' his bike with some cheapo performance parts he got online.  He called me saying "something's outta whack."
So I said...
Order some whack online and let me know when it's delivered
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Vulcanbill on June 26, 2020, 09:00:09 PM
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

Not sure why it's funnier since Kim used to work for that company...but it is.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 06, 2020, 02:07:23 PM
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. But
































"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on August 06, 2020, 04:44:32 PM
GET HIM!
 >:(
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on August 16, 2020, 06:59:03 PM
“A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.''I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'”
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 20, 2020, 04:21:33 AM
If Elvis was still alive today, what would he be doing? Recording new songs, enjoying a long retirement, being President of the US?























None of the above. Still scratching the lid of his coffin and screaming.
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: zer0netgain on August 20, 2020, 07:57:53 AM
If Elvis was still alive today, what would he be doing? Recording new songs, enjoying a long retirement, being President of the US?

None of the above. Still scratching the lid of his coffin and screaming.

Nah.  He would have ran out of air long ago.  ;)
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Papa Lazarou on August 23, 2020, 03:29:22 AM
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebee.”
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on September 24, 2020, 11:02:36 AM
The teacher asked the class, "Who can tell me the difference between a callgirl, a girlfriend and a wife:"

The class was silent and obviously deep in thought.

Then, Johnny stood up and said "Prepaid, postpaid and unlimited with certain restrictions."
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: Flyer on September 24, 2020, 02:20:49 PM
The teacher asked the class, "Who can tell me the difference between a callgirl, a girlfriend and a wife:"

The class was silent and obviously deep in thought.

Then, Johnny stood up and said "Prepaid, postpaid and unlimited with certain multiple restrictions."
FXT
Title: Re: Ape, Ape-the bad joke thread
Post by: HipGnosis on September 24, 2020, 05:47:27 PM
I dreamt I was attacked by a motorcycle.  Over and over.

It was a vicious cycle.